While flipping through the channels one day, you fall upon this... SCENE: The inside of the Forgotten Tower, brightly lit with candles, a few crystal balls of seeing, a bunch of rogues - corrupted and not - getting ready to play the vamp music on lightning-driven guitars and drums, and two amazons sitting on a set of haystacks. "OK, did we break into the system yet?" One of the amazons asks as she whips her hand through her short-cropped hair. "Yep, airtime is all ours," the other grins. "Let's get this show on the road!" "Let's do it! Three...two...one...(signal vamp, which sounds like a mix between techno and cheesy 1970s background music for porn) heya folks, welcome to another installment of the Amazon Basin Cable Access show, where we break into random cable stations across the globe to bring you, yes you, the viewer the best in illegal Amazon entertainment - all Amazon, all the time!" "Well, maybe not the best...the acrobatic lesbian stripping nuns with a collective spoon fetish couldn't make it tonight." "Shaddap. For you first time viewers, my name's Kabbalah, and this is my co-host, Me'rana." In unison: "Not our real names, don't bother looking 'em up." "And what's on today's roster, Me'rana?" "Well, as you know, this is the Amazon Basin Cable Access show where anything and everything can happen before the cops show up and we strafe our way out of here, so..." "Get on with it already...." "...for your enjoyment, we present," Me'rana turns around as she digs for something in the back, revealing a crudely scrawled "Single and Desperate" sign slapped on her back, "an English phone booth with tinted windows!" "Yes," Kabbalah grins, "this is an English phone booth." In unison: "Don't ask." "Now," Me'rana grins, "we all know that English phone booths are different then American phone booths in that the doors operate differently. See," Me'rana gestures to the bolts on the door, "how the doors one this booth are supposed to open up directly instead of folding in? Well, that's bring us to an interesting question..." "But first!" Kabbalah hollers, "But first, we have an important announcement to make!" "Oh, God, no..." Me'rana groans, "Don't tell me..." "Yes!" Kabbalah cackles like a madwoman. "YES! It's Tuesday! Do you know what that means?!" "No, Kabbalah," Me'rana monotones like someone who's sick of reading this line for the hundredth time, "what does it mean?" "It's Tuesday!" Kabbalah screams it to the world with a crazy grin and arms wide open. "My favorite day, it's Haze the Valkyrie day!" "Do you ever get sick of this?" Me'rana asks, covering her head with her hands. "Every single week..." "Heeeell, no!" Kabbalah answers, "For the crimes of pure stupidity, stabbing at useless objects, and not doing her job properly, our Valks shall be punished in the following manner. Me'rana, the Evil Hat of Valkyrie Torture Techniques please..." "Please God, don't let it be another visit to a meeting for forty-year old virgin paladins," Me'rana covers her eyes as Kabbie starts digging around a black top hat, "damned things near caused a riot, and when the Church found out it was us..." "Oh hush you," Kabbie pulls out a slip. "And today it's...all your base belong to...what the...? OK, here we go! To be summoned in the path of rampaging bulls! OK, girls, you heard it, get those cameras rolling!" CUT SCENE: Five sorceresses are in the cow level using lightning spells to drive hell bovines into a fury, and as soon as they've angered the entire crowd, they run for the portal with an enraged mass of cows behind them. As they run out of the portal, two simultaneous blasts of light come out of nowhere, followed by two bewildered Valkyries who have enough time to say "where the hell are we?" "oh SHIT, it's Tuesday!" before they're set upon by angry cows. "And one more time," Kabbie grins as she snaps her fingers, "just to make sure..." CUT SCENE: "Oh God no..." "I swear I'll never attack another Lightning Spire a...AUGH!" "I didn't get that one," Kabbie says again. "We really have to make sure we saw something." CUT SCENE: "Why me?" "I hear they're hiring at...AUGH!" "And that," Me'rana clamps down on Kabbie's hand, "is our weekly installment of Haze the Valkyrie day. Now, for the phone booth." "Ah, yes! The phone booth!" "Now we all know the familiar game of trying to fit college students into a phone booth..." "It's easier when you kill them first..." "Shaddap. We all know the familiar game of trying to fit college students into a phone booth, but with an English phone booth and their larger size and easier to open doors, we now play a game called 'how many barbarians can we fit into a phone booth'? Now, we tested this some time ago (no barbs were killed...RIGHT, Kabbie?!) and what we found was..." The phone booth shakes once or twice. "Was...waitaminute..." "SOMEBODY GET ME OUTTA THIS HERE PHONE BOOTH!" "Um, Kabbie...why do I hear a barbarian in the phone booth?" Me'rana looks at Kabbalah suspiciously. "Well..." "YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THE BARBARIAN OUT OF THE PHONE BOOTH?!" "Erm...yes. Right after rehearsal. That's all." "That's all? Rehearsal was two weeks ago! Why didn't he say anything earlier?" Me'rana glares at Kabbie, reaching for her bow. "Now let me take a look," she mutters as she opens the door. "Could've been the gag," Kabbie mumbles under the breath. "You tied him up? You tied up Numth-kull? He's our intern!" "Well..." Kabbie shrugs. As Me'rana drags the barbarian out of the phone booth, she gestures for Kabbie to come closer, then throws her into the phone booth. "And to continue this Tuesday's activities..." she snaps her fingers, and the words, "Oh God, please, I promise I'll always, always, always take point, just don't..." "Oh God no...Me'rana, GET ME OUTTA HERE!" "And for our next guest," Me'rana smiles, looking over a clipboard, we have... (anyone want to add to this?) - Nah, this is community-based insanity. The basis of the ABCTShow is that any zon can get her face on television at any time, doing anything she wants. The only rules are... 1) Me'rana and Kabbalah are the hosts. 2) No nudity without reason. 3) Every Tuesday is "Haze a Valkyrie" day. 4) It must be insane. And Kabbie pans the camera as the naked javazon (with a 3dt covering the naughty bits) runs into the Chaos Sanctuary screaming, "See? Told you I could do it! Ahahahahah-AUGH!" - "Uh, is this here thing on?" the barbarian stuck a greasy finger into the camera. "Get your grubby paws outta that, you lout!" Kabbalah shouted as she tossed a crumpled-up newpaper at the barbarian's head. "Just do what ya gotta do and do it!" "Uh, OK. His, my name is Numth-kull, but everyone here jus' calls me Skull," the barbarian grinned. "And this here's my pet quill rat, Mr. Boo-boo." As the quill rat slammed a few spikes into Skull's face, he continued: "Ain't he cute? Now I'm gonna make Mr. Boo-boo fetch a stick." "God, this sucks," Kabbalah grumbled as she hefted herself out of her chair. "Hey Skull, wanna see a really cool trick?" "Uuuhhh, sure, but what are you doing with Mr. Boo-" "Sometimes, if you throw a quill rat against the wall hard enough, it sticks. Watch." - Argh, someone beat me to the punch... "And we now interrupt this daily dose of animal abuse to say..." Kabbalah inhaled deeply, then yelled: "CAT FIGHT!" The summons echoed throughout the Realms like a moose call, bringing with it an endless amount of necromancers, barbarians, and the occasional paladin who claimed to be there to "decry the smut that was The Amazon Basin Cable Access Television Show" and decided to decry said smut by throwing gold coins into the ring, just like everyone else. "Get the camera over here," Me'rana gestured one of the sorcs with a camcorder and a permanent Nova over to one of the spectators. "Excuse me, sir, yes you...will you please stop touching me? Now sir, why are you here today on The Amazon Basin Cable Access Television Show?" "'cuz there's a catfight," the necromancer answered, then diverted his attention, just long enough to crane his neck forward as a piece of armor flew out of the ring. "And...?" "Well, there's hair-pullin', armor flying everywhere, and the chance, that, well, you know..." "No, I don't." "That they might get it on, you know?" "That's it?" "You mean there's gonna be more?!" "No, I mean that's the only reason you came here?" "Uh, yeah." Me'rana looked over to the right where Aechmea, Butch, Dixie, and Big Susan were leaning against the doors with their spears, picking away at the fluff that had gathered on the flannel padding of their armor. 'They're around 6'4" and around two to two-hundred fifty pounds apiece,' Merana thought, looking at their well-worn lances, 'and they have to shave a lot more than their legs...I wonder how long it'd take them to throw these guys out?' - "DEATHMATCH DEATHMATCH!" Kabbie screaming like a maniac when she's tapped on the shoulder. "What is it, Achema?" "Someone at the door." "Like I care..." "They have a badge." "Oh." That was bad. "I'll go talk to the nice officers....so, how I can I help you, officer?" "Aherm...we've been receiving complaints about loud music, drunken parties, and someone from the PETDE's been complaining - " "PETDE?" "Yeah, you know People for the Ethical Treament of Demonic Entities, they say there's a quill rat sticking to a wall by it's spikes around five stories up, and they don't think it's funny the way it's wriggling its legs." "Well, there's a barb trying to get it down right now - " "These people aren't normal, ma'am, they don't care about the barb. They just want to make sure the rat's OK." "Uh-huh....wanna come in?" "'Fraid we can't, ma'am. See, we're going to have to clear out this party..." "So is there a problem?" Kabbalah asked in a tone of voice that suggested that there had better not be a problem. "Because if there is, we have more than enough zons to take care of it." "Well - " "And barbs, necros, and paladins. They've been circling that ring like a pack of wolves waiting for those last pieces of armor to fly, and I daresay that anything could just about set them off right about now. There enough room in that little paddy wagon of yours to take everyone? I thought not," Kabbie started to close the door. "How y'all have a nice - " "We're not here to arrest you, Kabbie," the first officer interrupted, sticking her foot in the door. "Look," she said, opening her jacket revealing a limited print of the ABCATS T-shirt (featuring a bowazon in an exceptionally skimpy cat suit driving her heel into the back of a tied-up barbarian), "I'm a fan. We're just here to give you an advance warning...PETDE's coming over that hill in little less than half and hour, and if you guys are still here..." "Aaaaaw, shit," Kabbalah groaned, "there go our ratings..." "So, um...what'd you do to the Valks today?" the officer asked. "Due to the idjits, I missed today's show." "Whatever it was," Kabbie grinned, "it won'tbe nearly as bad as what we're gonna do to them today, and might I say that next week's show'll be even more - " In the back, warcries, spells, and hammers flew around as the last piece of armor flew onto the ground. "OK, girls, pack 'em up and rack 'em up, we're outta here! Next week's show, taking place Light-knows-where and Devil-knows-when with more Valk hazing, 101 and things to do with a dead merc from Lut Gholein, and proper burial techniques for Thorned Hulks and why you should never uses their remains as sex toys! This's been another quality show, brought to you by Me'rana and Kabbie and the The Amazon Basin Cable Access Television Show! Good night, and good fight!" - "...and for your viewing pleasure, we give you...amazons on a trampoline!" The camera pans on ten smiling young nubile amazons in light armor jumping up and down on a trampoline as Kabbie watches the ratings rise. "...five, four, three, two, one. Thirty seconds. OK, that's enough of amazons on a trampoline, now back to the show." "Oh by the way, Kabbie?" Me'rana interrupts, "You mixed up the days again. It's not Tuesday, it's Friday." "Oh," Kabbie responds, looking a bit disappointed. "So no more Valk hazing today...damn, but if it's Friday, that can only mean - " "That's right! It's Javazon Chef day!" "Hell, yes!" Kabbie starts jumping up and down. "It is javazon chef day! Ha-HAH! Welcome to Javazon Chef day, where we pick three javazons and give them exactly one hour to make a fried dish out of the living ingredient of our choice, and today's victim is...Me'rana?" "HELL BOVINE!" "Alright! Burgers for everyone! Let's get this show on the road!" - "OK, people," Kabbalah barks, "here're the rules. You find prey, you kill it, and you fry it into a creative dish within an hour." Somehow, said a voice in the back of Kabbalah's skull, I have the feeling I've forgotten something... - We now interrupt this showing of an exploding cow to present you with a public service announcement presenting a paladin with an afro. "Kabbie, I swear by the Light, as soon as I find a way to undo these handcuffs, you're SO dead!" Thus ends this public service announcement.