Bodiccea

Diablo II	Notation	Basic	Class	Skill	Item	Ally	Quest	Area	Monster	Tale

Mizor	I	II	III	IV	V	Xanthippe	I	II	III	IV	V	Thaddeus	I	II	III	IV	V	Tearlach	I	II	III	IV	V	Varnae	I	II	III	IV	V	Amanita	I	II	III	IV	V	Bodiccea	I	II	III	IV	V

While Amazons are powerful and interesting in the Diablo II game, I've never been as fond of them as I am of other characters. In the past, I've praised the Paladin for having a diverse skill set, offering up many different playing options, yet the Amazon's skills are at least as varied. Both melee and ranged combat are viable options, putting her one up on the Sorceress. And yet, I haven't played many Amazons, or much enjoyed the ones I did play.

Of course, my dissatisfaction could be because my early experiences with the character were very frustrating. For my first Amazon, I wanted to try bows, but couldn't find any powerful ones and didn't want to take an hour to finish off Normal Diablo. Instead, I wound up using a spear, and quickly discovered that Jab was the only skill worth using. (This was in the hoary days of v. 1.0, of course.) Much later, I tried a Javazon, and had the opposite problem: the big sticks made killing too easy, especially with Lightning Fury. I didn't even have to aim... just clicked the mouse a couple of times and everything died. After that, I went off to play the other classes, and never looked back for long.

Now, many versions later, I understand that the Amazon has been overhauled for the better. In particular, while Jab was nerfed by making it dependent on weapon speed, the other spear skills were improved. Back when I first tried it, Fend was nothing but a slow mockery of Zeal, and the "lightning damage" spear skills were pathetic. Now, if they really are more useful, a Spearazon might be fun. If not... it's back to Jabbing again, and I'll need some attack speed boosts to compensate for the nerf. Extra movement speed might help too, for closing in on those pesky archers and mages. Come to think of it, could a melee fighter gain much from lots of extra movement? There are "speedazons", but they use bows. I've never equipped anyone like that, which makes it a good thing to try now.

My plan is: a pure Spearazon, with as many boosts to attack and movement speed as I can lay my grubby little hands on. At high levels, her main attack skill will probably be Fend, but I'll try the lightning skills to see how they've changed. No Pikes -- I'll restrict myself to fast spears like the Brandistock class. They have serious dexterity requirements, as do Amazon-specific spears, so she won't have any problem hitting things. Doing enough damage might be difficult. A big investment in Critical Strike would be a good idea, and if I can swing it, some gear with Crushing Blow. But speed takes priority.

All I need now is a name and a personality. Hmm... she'll be a fast girl with a high dexterity, relying on skill and technique more than muscle. She might not even be strong enough to handle the really big sticks. Every now and then, there might be a few sparks, but mostly she'll come in fast and fend of anyone who tries to get near her. Most importantly, she must have a sense of humor. I know the Amazon sounds very noble in-game, but I'm in the mood to write something just plain SILLY. Besides, any woman who's built like that better have a sense of humor about it. Her name will be Bodiccea, after a tribal warrior woman of the British Isles who rebelled against Roman rule. Apparently, she was a hottie too.

Act 1

Chapter 1

The Amazon seemed to come out of nowhere. The two Rogues guarding the gates never saw her. She didn't climb over the rickety walls. Without warning, she was suddenly there, standing next to Warriv by the fire, armed with a simple spear. "I need to get more sleep," he thought as he went to greet her. She was undoubtedly safe. No marks of Hell could be seen on her, and besides, the honor of an Amazon warrior is never in question. Wherever she came from, an ally is an ally, and they all had a great need for them.

"Greetings! I'm not surprised to see one of your kind here."

"Oh, hi!" the Amazon smiled, bouncing on her toes. "I'm Bodiccea."

Warriv smiled, keeping his eyes high. It wasn't easy, she was taller than him by a few inches. "I am Warriv, master of this caravan."

"Uh huh. All two wagons. But that's ok."

"Ah..." He scratched his head. There were only two wagons sitting in camp. Didn't seem like much of a caravan, even to him. "The others are around back. I suppose you've heard about the terrible events in the Rogue citadel?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. The town of Tristram, Diablo in the catacombs, mysterious Dark Wanderer, Andarial took over the monastery, lotsa Rogues fell under an evil spell that's making them run around naked, et cetera, et cetera. You're married, right?"

Warriv's heart skipped a beat. He'd been married long enough to know that women like to ask loaded questions, and any answer he gave to this one could be dangerous. "Yes. Very happily, for nearly 20 years."

"Damn. The only other guy in Act I is Gheed, and he's gross. Hey, could you wait here a second? I just thought of something. Be right back!"

The Amazon walked over to Gheed's corner of camp. No one else besides Charsi ever went over there. Warriv heard a thump, an unidentifiable noise, then a scream of pain that lasted a lot longer than any he'd heard out of Gheed before. Then the Amazon came back, wiping her hands on a torn piece of Gheed's coat before throwing it in the fire.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked.

Bodiccea laughed. "Nope. I can't go hostile on anyone in town, so I can't hurt him. I had to settle for a Power Wedgie."

Warriv held up his hands, eyes wide in mock terror. "You cruel, heartless beast! You speak strangely, Miss Bodiccea, but you have obviously encountered Gheed before. Any enemy of Gheed's is a friend of mine!"

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Kashya said as she walked over. "Well, well. I never expected to see an Amazon here."

"Without a Windforce or Titan's, you mean? Don't worry, I'm not getting rushed, I'm doing this legit." She grinned and bounced on her toes again. "Hi! I'm Bodiccea."

Kashya nodded quietly. "Named for the legendary queen who rose up against oppression and struck down the men who violated her daughters and her home. We Rogues honor her memory. I hope you have the strength to fill her shoes."

Bodiccea looked down at her exceptionally ample bosom. "She also inspired the words 'bodice' and 'bodacious'. I don't think its her shoes I need to fill out."

Warriv suddenly took a great interest in a bug crawling through the grass. Kashya opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again. "Queen Bodiccea was a leader in the war against persecution! The memory of her uprising is revered by all women!"

"Yeah, she was a great fighter," Bodiccea nodded. "And, she had a really impressive bod! You can have both, there's no law against it. Anyhoo, I gotta go talk to Akara."

"Yes, you should," Warriv suddenly said. "She is the leader of the Rogues... but it seems you already know that."

"Sure, everybody does."

"Akara may be the Rogues' spiritual leader," Kashya snarled, "but I command the sisters in battle! Combat is not a duty for the frivolous."

"Chill, sis! Jeebus, you're tense. How long has it been since you got any, anyway?"

Quicker than you'd expect for a man his age, Warriv jumped between them. "Yes, going to see Akara would be a good idea! She's the leader of the monastery, you know. In charge of important things! Why don't you go over to her tent right now?"

Akara paced outside her tent, barely more than a blanket thrown over a single wooden post. She never looked up as Bodiccea approached, but greeted her anyway. "Greetings. I am Akara, high priestess of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye."

"Hi! I'm Bodiccea. Say, you always have that purple hood pulled way down over your face. Are you blind or something?"

"I see very well, child. At times, it is more of a curse than a blessing."

"That tent is the blessing. How the heck do you stash all those tomes, scrolls, potions, staves, wands, and scepters in there?"

"Very efficiently. But it does mean I spend a lot of time in the rain. From what I have heard, you and Kashya did not see eye to eye on your first meeting."

"Nah. She's way too uptight. I need to do that, um... that quest thing, you know?"

"Hmm. Perhaps a small quest to prove your mettle would smooth over your differences with Kashya. Andarial's forces occupy our monastery, and have blocked the pass so that no one may travel through the mountains. More immediately, our poor shelter is being menaced by a gathering of evil forces in a nearby den."

Bodiccea snapped her fingers. "Yeah, the Den of Evil! Got it. Um..." She frowned, and chewed on her lower lip. "There's something else..."

"You have spoken with Warriv and Kashya, and met Gheed. Thank you for that small service, by the way. I have wanted to do something like that for days now. Have you met Charsi yet?"

"THAT'S IT! Thanks, back in a flash. Bye!"

Bodiccea bounced (quite literally) across camp to Charsi's blacksmith stand. "Hi!"

"Oh, hi!" Charsi said, dropping a dozen arrowheads in water to cool. "I'm Charsi!"

"I know! I'm Bodiccea. Can I ask you something?"

Her head cocked to one side, Charsi said, "Uh huh?"

Bodiccea looked to the left, then the right, and finally leaned forward to whisper, "Has Kashya always been such a B. I. T. C. H?"

Eyes wide, Charsi leaned closer and loudly whispered, "GAWD, yes! The other day, I was, like, talking about Barbarians, and how studly and hunky they are?"

"Yeah!" Bodiccea laughed, eyes wide. "I hear they're huge!"

"Ooh, yeah! I would so like to meet one!"

"I want to do more than meet one! But I won't see any until Act V! Wah!"

"Huh?"

"Forget it. What'd Kashya do?"

"She got up and walked away! I could not buh-LEEVE it!"

"Whoa! Maybe she's a lesbian."

Charsi shook her head, glancing heavenward in utter disgust. "I would so totally not be surprised. I mean, she rags on men ALL the time!"

"Guys are great! They're so much fun to play with."

"I think my dad was a Barbarian! That would be so great! Wouldn't that be great?"

"No way! Look at you. You've gotta be an Amazon!"

Charsi's eyes widened. "You think?"

Bodiccea grinned, and shook her head. "Sure! We've got the same hair color. Barbs all have black hair!"

"Ooh ooh ooh! I love black hair! Do they wear it long and loose and wild?"

"Yeah, the ones that don't shave it. Guys should keep it long. I like long hair!"

"Ew, shaved heads are yucky. I keep thinking they had lice or something."

"Yuck. Listen, I gotta go out and prove my womanhood or whatever. I'll come buy stuff when I get some money, 'k?"

"Sure thing! I got some spears here. And armor. It comes with pants, you know..."

"Nah. I got it, why hide it? I just wish there were more guys here. See ya!"

Chapter 2

And so, Bodiccea went out into the Blood Moor, her spear at the ready. The mucky soil was scarred by the imprints of thousands of bodies, ambushed and slain without mercy or skill as they tried to leave the Rogue camp. "Good thing I'm not on b.net," she thought as she ran out to find her first Quill Rat.

For some reason, Quill Rats weren't as easy to find as she expected. Just past the almost-disintegrated remains of a few hundred Bone Walls (wow, did they look old) Bodiccea found her first monsters: some Fallen outside a house. The little guys squealed, squawked, and ran around in circles as she approached like angry blonde death. They were kind of funny, but also the most dangerous things on the moor and she was only level 1, so she took them on one at a time. They got in a couple of hits, and there were more inside the house, but leveling up took care of her injuries. It's amazing how all the burns, cuts and contusions can heal instantly sometimes.

Bodiccea looted the house, and the stash hidden under the rock that's always outside and to the north. There was no bed, so no chance of a Zombie appearing, and she got a pair of shoes, a leather coat, and enough loot that she could afford to buy a half-dozen keys from Akara. The shoes were low quality, with ugly scuff marks and one sole flapping loose, but better than nothing. The soft leather was a crappy rare utterly typical of the Blood Moor; again, better than nothing, but not by much.

Further west, some Zombies were wandering around. With a confident grin, Bodiccea went in... and retreated at the first whiff. Ick! Why couldn't she have been a bowazon, anyway? They don't have to get near yucky monsters. Oh yeah... because Amazons who use bows lop off one tit to make drawing the string easier, and she didn't want to. While she was pondering why anyone would want to, the nearest Zombie noticed her presence and came shambling after her, unholy hunger lighting up its eyes. "Brains..."

Bodiccea dropped to one knee and braced her spear to impale the Zombie as it charged... and charged... and charged... She looked at her watch, then stood up and moved closer, breathing through her mouth so she didn't have to smell it. The Zombie kept coming, softly moaning "brains..." until finally, it was close enough to hit. Then it stopped, sniffed a bit, grunted in disappointment, and wandered off, still groaning "brains..." "HEY!" Bodiccea ran after the Zombie, stabbed and bashed it to bits, and kicked its head into a wall. "I do so have brains! I just hardly need 'em."

Back in camp, Bodiccea was selling the fifth cap she'd found to Charsi. "Are you sure you don't want to wear one of these? Or a good strong pot helm? Kashya always says 'even if you protect nothing else, protect your head.'"

Bodiccea's nose wrinkled in disgust. "I hate caps, they're just plain ugly. Pots aren't much better. And they both mess up my hair."

"You could tie it back, or braid it. And button your coat. I mean, your stomach's kind of exposed like that."

"I LIKE my hair. And I can't button the coat."

"Sure you can!" Charsi said. "It'll fit ok, just..." she grabbed the lapels and tried to pull them together. "Um... well, I guess it fits your shoulders..."

"Almost," Bodiccea laughed. "It's ok. An open leather jacket over a tight top is a good look on me. Guys dig leather. What I need is better boots. You got any?"

"Sure!" Going through the pile of stuff behind her, Charsi came up with four pairs... none of which fit. "Um... sorry, I only have women's sizes."

"Damn. Story of my life."

Charsi nodded, looking curious. "You mean, the other Amazons aren't as big as you?"

"Amazons're normal-sized, mostly. I just had to be different. Like, when I was growing up, we all had to study gymnastics, you know?"

"Uh-huh?"

"All the huntresses take gym until they're 18. I was taller than any of them by the time I was 12. Then, puberty hit. There was no way I was doing acrobatics after that, so they gave me a spear and made me a temple guard."

Charsi smiled. "Do any of you follow the path of the Sightless Eye?"

"Nah, we don't do Zakarum stuff, just the old goddesses. Zerae, Athulua, her consort Kethryes, all those."

Frowning a bit, Charsi asked, "Um... so Kethryes isn't a goddess?"

"No, she is. And she's a she." Bodiccea shrugged a little. "Don't ask."

Charsi's eyes went wide again. "Um... ok."

There was a long silence. "Look, they're just goddesses. Besides, I like Zerae better. I got put in her temple."

Charsi nodded quietly. "What's she goddess of?"

"Lightning and revenge. The revenge part isn't cool, but she's married to Hefaetrus, god of fire. He's hot."

That made Charsi laugh a little. "The god of fire is hot. Ok."

"Well, sure! He'd kind of have to be, it's his job to keep Zerae from going too nuts."

"So she's, like, violent and stuff?"

Bodiccea laughed. "Violent? Jealous? Vindictive? A perma-PMS-ing witch? Yeah, but she's better than the other two."

"Are they goddesses of anything important?"

"They're just the heads of the pantheon. Athulua's the goddess of the sky, weather, and the seasons. She also does all the weirdo magic stuff. Bowazons -- I mean archers like her for Guided Arrow and Strafe. Kethryes is... kind of her little help-mate.

"O-kay..."

Bodiccea laughed. "Don't take it seriously. I don't. I sure didn't make 'em up."

Charsi giggled. "Do you have a love goddess? I'd think you'd want to be in her temple."

With a sly smirk, Bodiccea replied, "Nope. A love god, Onan. Only the handsomest men become his priests. Every week, they all come out to greet the huntresses when they come back from the jungle. Mmmmm."

Grinning, Charsi whispered, "Does the girl with the biggest catch get the biggest... ?"

"Girlfriend!" Bodiccea squealed, only half-trying to whisper, "nobody has to do anything they don't want to. But since priests of Onan train their whole lives for it..."

"Wow... that's kind of weird," Charsi grinned, blushing up to the roots of her hair. "So... um, are the priests... uh..."

Bodiccea blinked. "Oh, I'm not a huntress. I've never gotten to, you know..."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot."

"It's ok. I hear they're unbelievable."

"I guess. I mean, if they really don't ever do anything else."

"Yeah." Bodiccea shifted from one foot to the other, looking off into the distance, then said, "I better get going. Still haven't found the Den of Evil."

"Oh, sure. See ya!"

Crossing back and forth over the Blood Moor, Bodiccea met and conquered many a Zombie and Quill Rat, fortifying herself for her journey into the den. Many items passed under her eye -- crappy rings, crappy weapons, crappy armor, and even more caps, all of them as ugly as a Fallen Shaman's butt. She collected the valuable stuff, things Akara would pay good money for. By the time she met Flavie at the entrance of the Cold Plains, she was wearing a new suit of studded leather, custom fit by Charsi.

"Hi!"

"Turn back! There is mortal danger ahead for the likes of you."

"I'll bet you say that to all the heroes. Whatcha doin' out here?"

"Keeping a watch for Andarial's minions. We know she's planning something to destroy what's left of us and cement her claim to our monastery."

"Oh, sure. What do you think of my look?"

Flavie shrugged. "Not a lot of coverage for someone in the middle of combat. And not wearing a helmet is a big mistake."

"You should talk. But, it's all good. Blizzard only put all this cheesecake in Act I so geeks would buy the game. Wish they'd put in something for us, though."

"What are you talking about?"

Bodiccea thought about it a minute, then grinned. "Ah, I guess I can tell you. It's not like you're going to walk back to camp and tell everybody else. Look, you know that whole 'know thyself' bit?"

"The key to wisdom, yes."

"Around here, 'know thy audience' is wiser. I mean, lookit here..." Bodiccea reached out in a direction Flavie never knew existed, grabbed something, and dragged it back. It was a boy, maybe 14 years old, and small for his age. Thick glasses and acne scars covered his face, and a noisome odor drifted off his body. While not fat, there was hardly an ounce of muscle on him -- it was all flab.

"<font=fixedsys>WUG? WUG? WTF? OMG N00B IMA 1337 H@><0R..." Then he caught sight of Bodiccea, who was holding him by the collar at arm's length. "Uh... buh... buh... BOOBIES!"

"Behold: our target audience."

"Ew."

His head turned to see Flavie so fast his scrawny neck should have snapped. "BOOBIES!!"

Bodiccea nodded, holding her nose. "Yep. Frustrated adolescent male gamers --"

"BOOBIES!!!"

"... who apparently got weaned too early."

Slowly, Flavie started nodding. "You know, this kind of makes sense. I mean, why is the official Rogue uniform so skimpy? We're up in a mountain pass, and it's raining. Don't these clowns know that means it's COLD up here?"

Bodiccea smirked. "That's part of it. There's a reason this is called 'nipply weather'."

"NIPPLIES!! BOOBIES!!! BOOBY NIPPLIES!!!! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

"He's frothing."

"I think he's OD'ing. Either that, or he needs his asthma inhaler. I better put him back." Bodiccea shoved the boy back into whatever basement she'd found him, and wiped her hand off on the grass. "So anyway, that's the nub of the gist."

Flavie shook her head. "This is ridiculous."

"Well, yeah. You don't see me taking any of it seriously. Anyway, I've finished clearing the Blood Moor. After I get my real quest, the waypoint, I'm off to the den. See ya!"

The Den of Evil was as evil as it ever was, full of the same monsters as ever: Fallen and their Shamans, Zombies, and big, hairy, squeally Gargantuan Beasts. The Beasts kind of reminded Bodiccea of her last boyfriend, only without that annoying fixation on his mother. In the den, she found a Lizard's Ring of Strength and a scepter with +2 to Thorns, putting more money in her stash than she'd need for the rest of Normal. Strange how an item that gives +1 to one skill is worth more than one that gives +1 to all of them.

Bodiccea went through the den quickly. First priority were Shamans, then Beasts, Fallen, and finally Zombies. The Zombies were last because they ignored her. Idly, she wondered if they ignored the other characters this much. The den was a small place, just three medium-sized hall sections and a final loop where Corpsefire lurked. Even though she didn't need to at this point, Bodiccea decided to get some practice with strategy. She walked in, and when one or two came after her, walked away to deal with them alone. When Corpsefire was the last thing alive, she went in and killed him. Again. He's a Zombie, you know.

"You have cleansed the Den of Evil," Akara said with satisfaction.

"Yeah, piece of cake. Hey, you don't have anything with "cannot be frozen" on it, do you? The last Zombie whacked me with Spectral Hit, and I don't want anything slowing me down."

"I am afraid not. But you have earned my trust, and may yet restore my faith in humanity. The only reward I can offer is --"

"Trashing Gheed again? Speaking of which, I haven't hurt him for hours! 'scuse me a minute." She ran off. A few seconds later, another scream of agony erupted from across camp. Akara allowed herself a smile, but wiped it away before Bodiccea got back.

With her most neutral look, Akara said, "I was thinking of training in a skill of your choice. Kashya and I have much knowledge we will be glad to share with you."

Bodiccea made a face. "You know Inner Sight?"

"The Sightless Eye teaches that gift. I am certain it will serve you well."

"Cool. Better than trying to deal with Kashya."

"Young Amazon, it pains me to see two strong women squabbling over petty differences. Perhaps I should send you for a lesson from Kashya."

"No! Please don't! Ok, I'll be good."

Akara nodded. "And do not merely avoid her. Smooth out your differences, or we will have no peace in this camp."

Bodiccea kicked at the dirt. "Oh, all right. I'll deal with her. Tomorrow, ok?"

"Of course."

Chapter 3

The next morning, Bodiccea went to see Kashya. "Hi."

The other woman frowned, visibly irritated and not hiding it at all. After a short silence, she finally said, "Hello."

Gritting her teeth into a passable smile, Bodiccea said, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I got on your nerves. I joke about things when I'm nervous. Okay?"

"I take it the den taught you how funny Hell's forces are." Kashya said with a smirk.

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea nodded, ponytail wagging up and down. "I know exactly how big of a threat they are. Now I do, I mean. Anyhoo, if we're both cool about this, I'm gonna go out to the, um, to the pass and kill some more things. Gotta get 'em all, you know?"

"Andarial's minions are summoned straight from Hell. Our arrows send so many back where they came from every day, but their numbers never seem to diminish. The demon queen herself must be struck down."

"Yeah, that's the idea. Still, it'll take me a while to get to the monastery. Know any local hot spots I should look out for on the way?"

Kashya's thin lips tightened to a line. "Only one."

Bodiccea slowly nodded, obviously waiting. "Yeah, and... ?"

"This is a threat that shows the den to have been no more than an advanced camp for the enemy. My oldest friend, Blood Raven, fell under Andarial's evil spell. I know not how, but she is in our graveyard as we speak, raising our own dead to march against us!"

"Whoa. What an abomination."

"My thoughts exactly," Kashya hissed. "This cannot be allowed to continue! Blood Raven was our order's deadliest archer, even more than myself, and I am sure Andarial has warped her into something even more formidable than before."

Bodiccea nodded, idly watching the chickens run around camp. "Sounds pretty nasty."

"I have heard that the warriors of the Amazon isles are the best archers in the world..."

Bodiccea smirked. "Don't think much of spears, huh?"

"I know many ways of fighting, and the weaknesses of many weapons. Were you not so sure of yourself, I could share what I know of the way of the bow."

"Oh, I know how to use a bow!" Bodiccea laughed, and held up her spear in her left hand like it was a bow. "You hold this part, pull back the string, then release and whap yourself in the tit like I did the last time I tried to use one."

Kashya didn't laugh. "I see. Do not the Amazons --"

Bodiccea quickly cut her off. "No thanks, I'll stick with spears. They're easy, you just gotta use a little stragedy! Run and dodge a lot, hit hard and fast. Simple!"

"From what my scouts have reported, you are not as fast as Blood Raven. Attempting to close with your spear would be folly."

"I guess I'd better work on hitting hard, then. I'll get a faster spear later. First comes the Brandistock, then a War Fork, and I'll finally work my way up a Mancatcher."

A sudden twitch suddenly moved across Kashya's mouth, lingering at the corners, and she blinked twice. Bodiccea grinned. "Hey, did I almost see a smile?"

"No."

"Yes it was! You thought of a funny, didn't you? What? What? What?"

"Nothing."

"Aw, c'mon! I'm so sure you did!"

"No! I didn't think of anything!"

Glancing heavenwards in exasperation, Bodiccea sighed. "Wimp. I'll say it for you: 'But Boddy-baby, you already have two of the biggest, bounciest man-catchers in the whole wide world, what do you need another one for?'"

Kashya glared. "That WASN'T it!"

Bodiccea giggled. "It would have been better if it was."

"That's something GHEED would say!"

"Hey, thanks for reminding me!" Bodiccea bounced over to Gheed's corner of the camp, and a cry of anguish soon trumpeted out into the morning air. She came back dusting her hands. "Yuck, his undies are really crusty today. See ya!"

As Bodiccea vanished through the waypoint, Gheed came over. He was wearing a pair of chainmail pantaloons, perhaps in the hope that having steel britches would protect him from further assaults. Unfortunately for him, the mail only made his suffering worse: they had been yanked up and over the back of his head, bending him nearly double. He had to waddle up to the fire, facing backwards, arms flailing desperately to keep his balance. "SOMEBODY GET ME A CROWBAR!!"

Out on the Cold Plains, Bodiccea stopped to talk with Flavie. "Hey, how's it going?"

"Same as last night. There are more Zombies, thanks to Blood Raven."

"Don't worry, I'm on it. Which way's the graveyard?"

"To the left. You take care. The Corrupted Rogues ahead are not to be trifled with."

Bodiccea smirked. "I don't trifle with naked women, no matter what our audience wants."

"Ew. Did you have to remind me of that?"

"Sorry. Well, I'm off for my first slice of cheesecake. See ya!"

It didn't take Bodiccea long to find her first Corrupted Rogues. A swarm of Fallen Ones were milling around a burning house. While she was drawing a dozen or so away from their Shamans, three axe-wielding Rogues showed up. They were deathly pale, with jet black hair, and some animator over at Blizzard had a good time getting all those jiggles juuuuust right. After killing them, she got the Shamans, then the inside of the house, and chased Fallen into all the corners. The Shaman in the house dropped a grand charm, a "stout" one, which didn't suit Bodiccea at all. She's not stout. Well... women should have curves.

The Cold Plains were full of Fallen and a few Rogues. Chasing the little fartknockers down got to be a real drag. Monsters that come right up and stand there while you kill them are so much easier to deal with. Bodiccea experimented with Jab and Power Strike a few times, but hardly needed either. The mana cost was too much at this point anyway. On the plains, she found a 3-socketed spear, two chipped sapphires and a chipped ruby, gloves, a pair of boots that actually fit, and a large charm with +3 dexterity.

Bishibosh was in a camp near the entrance to the Stony Fields. Say what you will about Blizzard's artistic choices, Bodiccea approved of making the dangerous beasties different colors. She'd already met a unique Rogue spearwoman who was beige instead of white; her only mod was Stone Skin, so Bodiccea killed her minions first. A Shaman like Bishibosh is different. When she spotted his snot-green bod on one side of the camp, she walked away, drawing a dozen Fallen after her. Once they were out of the way, she ran back, dodging fireballs, and jabbed Bishi until he exploded. He only dropped one magic item, an amulet with fire resistance. Seems like you never find what you need until after you need it.

Bodiccea's last stop on the Cold Plains was a house with a dead Rogue on the floor. Rogues seem to die in suggestive poses a lot... maybe it's just the outfit. Next to the house was the Cave. Before going in, Bodiccea went back to the Rogue camp to dump some loot.

Beside the wagon by Charsi's, a pale, skinny, very tired-looking man was waiting. For now, the too-full pack he'd been carrying around for years was sitting in the wagon. As soon as Bodiccea walked up, he got to his feet. "Howdy, Miss Thang! I'm the Mule!"

"It's about time!" Bodiccea huffed, then grinned. "Whatcha got for me? Let me guess: Bloodthief, the unique Brandistock?"

"Sorry, babe!" he shook his head. "Minimum level 17."

"Uh... any Brandistock?"

"Nope! You're getting the best starter equipment I've ever given ANYBODY!"

"Really!?"

"Yes, indeedy!" The Mule reached into his pack. "And now... for your edutainment... the one and only one we've got... Sigon's Complete Steel, minus the shield!" In one swell foop, he smashed a disorganized collection of gleaming metal plates over Bodiccea's head.

"Wish you were a Javie, you'd get the whole thing," the Mule grinned. "No need to thank me now! Maybe later, when you get out of all that stuff. I'll be by with a spear for you when you're big enough for it. Ta ta!"

There was a soft poof, like resident memory being reallocated. "Hey!" Bodiccea called out, her voice echoing around her ears. She could barely see in that helmet, but knew he was gone. Burnished armor plates now completely encased her body in magically hardened steel, polished like a mirror and chased with gold, from the heavy greaves on her feet up to the gleaming golden horns on the great helm. Her hair had even been braided.

A Paladin, obviously, would cream his green jeans for this stuff. Bodiccea had her own opinions. "Hey! Get back here! I don't want this! Where's my old armor? Hey!" Nobody answered. "I'm not running around in this! How do I file a protest? HEY!!" All it did was make that ugly helmet echo. Frowning, she snarled, "Ok, that does it. CONFERENCE!"

Bodiccea turned around, pried open the side of the Rogue camp grounds, and stepped back into the space beyond. After a short, electrifying trip, she made her way to an unused memory block where the others were waiting. They'd set up a conference room, tiled in malachite and paneled in oak, decorated with brass ornamental wirework in an art deco style. Frosted glass windows covered one wall, letting filtered sunlight fall on the white marble table that dominated the center of the floor. To the north was a fully stocked bar, with a bronze, steam-powered automaton pacing back and forth aimlessly.

"Wow," Bodiccea said. "Nice room."

"We borrowed the graphics from the First City Bank and Trust," Thaddeus said. "It makes this easier."

"That explains the robot, at least."

"Never mind the robot," Tearlach bellowed. "What is your problem, woman?!"

"This!" Bodiccea threw Sigon's helmet down on the table with a clang, and shook the braid out of her hair. "Look at me! That stupid mule came swooping out of nowhere and without my permission, stripped me and put me in this stuff! I look like a fun house mirror! I hate heavy armor, and that damned helmet is U! G! L! YYYYYY!! I want my old stuff back, and I want it right now!"

Amanita laughed, lighting a cigar. "Meaning you haven't teased Warriv as much as you want to yet."

"Well, no," Bodiccea bounced on her toes. "I mean, look at this. I can't even bounce in it, my chest doesn't move at all. How am I gonna drive Warriv completely to distraction with my big guns covered up?"

"First, you leave Warriv alone! He's nice." Xanthippe crossed her arms. "Then, you be happy you got that stuff. I would have killed for that set back then."

Amanita looked at Xanthippe. "You'd kill if someone didn't put enough marshmallows in your cocoa."

"I would not! I don't even like cocoa that much."

Dear Diary,

Of all the things to be dragged kicking and screaming out of retirement for! I will grant you, the opportunity to feast my eyes upon the Amazon is what tempted me, but now that I have done so, it is perfectly clear that "there is such a thing as too much of a good thing." From a distance, she is statuesque, an indomitable goddess in red and gold. At closer quarters, her over-abundant charms threaten to slop out of that tin suit and entomb us all in a quivering avalanche of pale, veinous flesh. However, her complaints have some merit. Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead in that hideous steel conspiracy.

"Ladies, please!" Varnae smiled, bowing ever so slightly. "And, of course, esteemed gentlemen. Let us remember the difficulties each of us encountered on our individual long, slow roads to triumph. I feel confident in assuming that the terrors of the Rogue's Pass were neither the greatest nor most numerous of these?"

"Speak for yourself," Xanthippe sneered. "Corpsefire almost caved my skull in."

"Ha!" Tearlach laughed. "Only because you were too foolish to stick to your meager strengths. A Sorceress in combat! What idiocy."

"Idiotic enough to make Matriarch, something you haven't done..."

Tearlach grunted. "What a shame, I'll never be a Matriarch. Idiot."

Slowly dragging a Bec-de-corbin off her back, Xanthippe hissed, "Would you like to qualify for Matriarch? I could make a lot of girls incredibly grateful..."

"That will be enough!" Thaddeus rapped his caduceus on the table. "Xanthippe, stand down. Tearlach, you are out of line. Apologize to the lady at once."

Eyes glinting like blue volcanoes, Tearlach slowly turned to face Thaddeus. "I will say this once. If you even think of giving me orders again, I will stomp a mudhole in your neck."

"Yeah!" Xanthippe said. "Just 'cause you made Patriarch first doesn't make you the boss of us."

Mizor: "Grrraaahhhh!!"

Paige: "The boss says you should quit fighting, it's stupid. And the Amazon should be happy with Sigon's set."

Thaddeus blinked. "How did you get all that?"

Paige: "Practice."

Mizor: "Rmmf." (looks smug)

"Can't you guys at least fight over me?" Bodiccea pouted. "I don't like not being the center of attention."

Amanita leaned against the wall, taking a draw on her cigar. "Trust me, we know."

"Quite so," Varnae smiled. "Allow me to introduce myself: I am --"

"Forget it, deadboy. I'm not interested."

Dear Diary,

Oh! Cut off so sharply, so callously! I knew something about this vision reminded me of my dear, departed deadly nightshade blossom. Her armor is also familiar; I recall recovering exactly such a suit from Baal's twitching corpse. Given the nature of our relationship, there is every reason to believe that she has chosen exactly the suit which I provided through our mutual acquaintance! Ought I to mention this? Ah, but no! I already feel the first stirrings of affection in my tender bosom, and invoking a material debt could poison any possibility of reciprocation in its infancy. She simply is not ready, perhaps due to some recent tragedy. My devotion must remain unknown to all, for now.

Mizor: (Stares at Varnae. Why is the pale sickly man suddenly breathing funny?)

Xanthippe rolled her eyes. "Look, you over-inflated bimbo, get this through your head: it's not all about you!"

"Yes, it is!" Bodiccea snorted. "It's my story arc! You had your chance, it's my turn!"

"Sorceress, I'm afraid she is right," Thaddeus muttered, a bit ruefully, before turning back to Bodiccea. "The decision is always yours, though abandoning some of the finest armor available at this point in your career seems... ill-advised."

"There's no good reason for it!" Xanthippe shouted.

Tearlach raised an eyebrow, a smirk growing on his face. "If she wants to go back to the skimpy leathers... no true, red-blooded man would mind. The rest of you might even agree." Thaddeus frowned. Even Varnae looked a bit insulted.

Mizor: "Rrr..." (Hears no translation from Paige.) "Rrr?" (Looks around. Where'd she go?)

Meanwhile, in the bar to the north, Klatu gave the little bronze robot a kick. "Does that thing ever shut up?"

Kasim poured some beer into the robot's boiler. It shuddered to a halt and collapsed, gasping about failing to understand... creation. "That got it."

Behind the bar, Khaleel finally broke into the cabinet where the good stuff was kept. After some chilling, he started passing it around. "So... who do you think's got the worst boss?"

Paige: "One of you guys. Fuzzy Wuzzy's hard to figure out, but he's not so bad."

After taking a swig of the bank's finest hooch, Klatu sighed. "Ah... it has to be me. Look at that ass out there. Turns everything into a fight."

Paige: "I don't have to, I can hear him."

"I can smell him," Kasim laughed. "Still, you think he's worse than deadboy?"

"The Barb is pretty bad," Khaleel said, draining the last of one bottle, "but I gotta tell you, no one comes close to my boss for creepy."

Paige: "Hmm, maybe. He's hitting on the Assassin again."

"Did he live?" Kasim asked.

"Would being dead stop him?" Klatu asked.

"He'll probably try to dress her up," Khaleel took another long swig.

Paige: "Assassins like to dress up. Black leather and bare butts. Bleah."

The three male mercs stared at her, then shrugged. "Oh, I dunno..." Kasim muttered.

Paige: (laughs) "Man, you guys are predictable."

Khaleel laughed. "So, are you gonna drink or what? It's almost gone."

Paige: "Yeah, gimme some." (Drains cup.) "So, what do you guys think of the Amazon?"

All three of the men remained silent, lost in thought. Finally, Khaleel said, "She isn't even close to being as nice looking as you."

Paige: (Rolls eyes.) "Ah, ha. What was that all about?"

Kasim grinned. "I think it's called 'dodging a bullet'."

Klatu patted Khaleel on the back, almost knocking him into the bar. "You speak like a man who knows the ways of women."

"Hey," Khaleel shrugged, "I've had to hang around with deadboy this long..."

As laughter filled the bar, Bodiccea finally shouted loud enough to make herself heard over the din in the conference room. "HEY!!"

Tearlach looked a bit surprised. "You have good lungs, woman. I should have guessed."

"Shut up. I have a solution to this."

"Then speak," Thaddeus said. "Anything to resolve this mess."

"Right," Bodiccea smiled. "I'm supposed to be a fast spearazon, right?"

They all nodded. "So I shouldn't wear anything that slows me down. Sigon's Shelter is Gothic Plate, and slows movement by 5%. I looked it up."

There was a stunned silence. Finally, Xanthippe blinked. "When'd you grow a brain?"

Bodiccea grinned. "Neener, neener, neener! I'll take my leathers back, thank you. And lose that helmet. Sigon's boots, gloves, and belt are enough to get me most of the worthwhile set bonuses."

"The armor offers lightning resistance..." Thaddeus offered.

"I'll worry about that in Act II. Gimme my leathers!"

Amanita laughed, and stepped out of the room. "And people think I'm the leather fanatic. Give 'em back, she's earned 'em."

"Well..." Thaddeus sighed. "We'll tell the Mule. They'll be waiting outside the Cave."

"Thank you, kind ladies and sirs. That will be all. Ta ta!"

Chapter 4

When she got back to the Cave entrance, Bodiccea's studded leathers were waiting for her, with a short note:

"Good golly, Ms. Barbie-doll, you hero types are so fussy! You're going to give me even more back-talk than the Necromancer, ain't you? Here's your old suit, and I'll have some Trellised armor ready when you're big enough for them britches. Shouldn't take you long!

-- The Mule"

Whatever. Bodiccea put on her leathers with Sigon's belt, boots, and gloves, and gave herself the once over. A mirror would be nice, but the Rogues didn't have one in camp.

Skin-tight armor too skimpy to be of practical value... check.

No helmet, so my to-die-for hair won't get mussed... check.

Huge, clunky boots polished like mirrors... check.

Massive belt that covers more territory than the armor... check.

Ginormous steel gloves so I never chip a nail... check.

Not bad, she thought... then it hit her. "Ohmigawd. I'm dressed like an anime bimbo." After another moment's reflection, she realized it could be worse. She was still wearing more than an Assassin in leather would be, and had extra attack speed, movement, 10% life leech, 16 belt slots, and a few decent resists. Besides, she was going to wind up looking like some kind of bimbo anyway. Only the heavy armors have butt coverage.

Inside the Cave, Bodiccea found her first Skeletons. All of them had raggedy bits of Rogue leathers on, especially boots. That was kind of weird, because all the Zombies were males. Do girls rot faster than boys, so they still have flesh while girls skeletonize? Maybe Blizzard didn't want any Zombies to look female because poor dead girls are too pitiful, but Skeletons can be from girls 'cause they're just bones and don't look like anything anymore. Maybe it's the whole cheesecake thing -- if they made some Zombies female, you just know some artist at Blizzard would try to make them sexy. Dead sexy is good, but dead and sexy is yucky and gross unless they're Vampires, who mostly look alive anyway.

Past the Skeletons were some champion Hungry Dead... who still wouldn't pay any attention to her. What, does she have to wave a dead cow at them or something? With Sigon's gloves, Jab was insanely fast. Bodiccea could barely see how quickly she was moving the spear. When she gets a Brandistock, maybe with a couple of Shaels, watch out! Corrupted Rogue archers were hiding in some of the long halls, and the Fallen had set up camp in side alcoves with dead tortured Rogues and Zombies hiding in barrels. It was nice to be using a normal attack, with a low level weapon, and still not lose any health. Leeching is so handy, it's no wonder they nerfed it.

Way in the back, near the stairs to the second level, Coldcrow was waiting. Bodiccea knew she was not going to have fun with this. That witch is tough, fast, hits hard, likes to run away, and she's Cold Enchanted. Getting to her first means you'll have to take on her pack chilled from her frost nova, but saving her for last means taking her shots while you chase after her minions. Breaking up the pack was always an option... nah, leave clever tactics to the Bowazons. Bodiccea charged in and backed Coldcrow into a corner, jabbing away and leeching back the damage. After the frost nova went off, she ran away in slow motion, just fast enough to avoid the minions' arrows until the chill passed. Once the last minion was cornered and dead, she thought, "Ok, that settles it. 'Cannot be frozen' is definitely on my list of things I need."

Downstairs in the Cave, Bodiccea found herself on a shallow platform with two sets of steps down, one to the right, and one to the left. There's always a boss off to the right, so she went that way. There wasn't a boss -- there were two. Both were Skeletons, one Stone Skin, the other Cursed, with a few Fallen wandering around in case things weren't exciting enough already. The Shamans were behind everybody else, far out of reach, able to raise their dead or chuck fireballs to their little hearts' content.

Right, Bodiccea thought: first things first. She took a position at the top of the steps and waited for the first batch of Skellies. Slowly they came, and she had plenty of time to take down the minions one by one, leaving the boss. Some Fallen came around up the other stairs, so she turned to attack them whenever she needed more health. The Shaman could raise them, but that wasn't so bad since she couldn't leech off the Skeletons. The instant the Cursed Skeleton came within reach, Bodiccea gave it her full attention, and didn't let up until it broke into pieces. Her situation was bad enough without being cursed. Once the boss was dead, she killed the remaining minions, pounded the Stone Skin boss into the ground, got the Shaman, and took care of the Fallen for the last time. Problem solved. Her armor was shredded, but thanks to her gear, she was still in the pink of health.

"Hiya, Warriv!" Bodiccea bounced and grinned.

"Ah, miss Bodiccea!" Warriv smiled, still keeping his eyes high. "You were gone for so long, I began to worry! And from your condition, it seems I had good reason."

"Huh?" She looked down at her armor, taking a deep breath. "Oh, golly. I guess I'd better get this fixed. I'm not exposing myself or anything, am I?"

Warriv closed his eyes and shook his head. "Heavens, no."

"You're not even looking!"

With a pleading glance heavenwards, Warriv shifted nervously from foot to foot. "Miss Bodiccea, perhaps Gheed would be happier to look at your --"

"Hey, that reminds me!" Then she was off, bouncing over to Gheed's wagon. One wail of anguish later, and she was back. "Wow. Cast iron BVD's. Didn't know they made those."

Trying to ignore the whimpers of pain drifting through the air, Warriv said, "Maybe you shouldn't be so cruel to poor Gheed..."

"Aw, you're no fun! Not hurting Gheed would be boring. You know I'm too innocent and naive to even think about restraining myself."

Warriv frowned a bit. "Hmm... I'm sorry, maybe when you were younger, but I'm afraid the 'innocent and naive' bit doesn't work for you, even ironically."

Bodiccea stamped her foot and pouted. "I know! Once I got to be tall, no one believed me when I tried to act sweet and innocent."

"It... does stretch one's credulity."

"Hey, you're not supposed to believe me!" she gasped in feigned shock. "You're supposed to be baffled into submission by my blatant disregard for truth and reason."

Chuckling, Warriv rocked back on his feet and said, "Careful, young miss. You may give away too many of your sex's secrets."

"That's not a secret. Everybody knows women are completely unreasonable. Guys talk about it all the time, but they can't do anything about it. That's why girls rule!"

Warriv sighed. "Why don't you go and bother Charsi?"

"Cause I'd rather stay here and bother you?"

"How kind of you," Warriv grumped. "I had no idea you cared so much."

"But how could I resist your overpowering charisma? Those broad shoulders, that manly, rugged beard... it makes me weak just thinking about it..."

Warriv snorted. "My wife says it tickles."

"Ooh. Tickles her where?"

This time, Warriv frowned and looked Bodiccea straight in the eye, with one eyebrow raised. "Why don't you go and bother Charsi?"

"Oh, no! The look!" Bodiccea giggled. "Ok. See you later."

"Looking forward to it," he grumbled.

She leaned over and breathed huskily in his ear, "I know you are, sweetie. Bye!"

Sweeping out the last of the Cave was much easier, and around the second to last corner, Bodiccea found her very first Golden Chest of Joy. There wasn't anything good inside, but she wasn't likely to find anything better than what she already had anyway. Well, maybe new rings. A bronze ring and one with +1 to light radius were nothing to brag about. Asking Warriv for a ring would probably make him turn a really funny shade of pink.

With the Cold Plains and the Cave cleared out, it was time to hit the Graveyard. It was a miserable place, with lots of empty graves and open crypts. Also, nude women sculpted into the gateposts. They never let up, do they? Bodiccea cleared the Zombies and Skeletons out of the perimeter of the yard first, then went in past the Mausoleum. In the center of the yard, next to "Satan's Christmas Tree", Blood Raven was waiting.

"My army will destroy you!" she howled, and raised a Zombie from the cold earth.

"Ok, this is just wrong," Bodiccea said, jumping behind a large tombstone. "Hey, how come all your Zombies are guys?! This is the Rogue graveyard! They should be women!"

Above her snarling, fang-filled maw, Blood Raven's bloodshot eyes blinked. She looked at the Zombies gathered around her with what might pass for confusion. "Uh... but dead girls are ugly... um... DESTROY THE AMAZON! FEAST UPON HER BRAINS!!"

So much for incapacitating her in the crushing grip of reason. The Zombies milled around, sniffing the air in vain. Bodiccea shouted, "Your Zombies will never find me, none of them have noses!"

An arrow blasted the top off Bodiccea's tombstone. "Then how do they smell!?"

Bodiccea grinned. "Awful!"

A demonic howl screeched in her ears. "BEHIND THAT STONE! KILL! FORGET THE BRAINS, JUST KILL AND KILL AND KILL AND KILL!!"

So much for lightening the mood with sophisticated humor, too. Bodiccea leapt out as a dozen Zombies wandered in her general direction. A fiery arrow zinged past her ear. Damn bowazons... so snooty. Blood Raven was fast, faster than her, but she couldn't run forever. She had to stop to shoot, giving Bodiccea a chance to get in close. After she got Blood Raven backed up against the wall of the Graveyard, it was over fast.

"I can hardly believe you've defeated Blood Raven!"

"Hey, bows aren't everything," Bodiccea shrugged. "She had to stop running sometime. So, anyway... it's getting late, and I still need to clear the rest of the graveyard. There's lots of dead things down in those tombs."

"You have proven far more formidable than I thought," Kashya said. "I seem to have misjudged you. Perhaps I should have known to expect better from an Amazon."

"Nah," Bodiccea waved her hand. "Amazons can be as stupid as anybody. I should know. Anyway, if I remember right, you don't need all these Rogues to guard the camp now."

"No, we do not," Kashya smiled tightly. "You have brought hope to us, you know. I believe we may one day stand in our monastery again."

"Sooner than you think. Now, who's your cheapest fire merc?"

Kashya frowned. "We Rogues have served as mercenaries in the past... but none of us are cheap!"

"Oooh, sorry," Bodiccea said, then cleared her throat. "Among these fine archers arrayed before me, who wouldst sally forth to the field of battle at my side, and not set me back too big a pile of cash?"

After a long, very dirty look, Kashya motioned a Rogue over. "Meet Heather."

"Hi, Heather!"

"Um, hi! Wow, you're tall."

"Yeah, puberty hit me kind of hard."

"Believe me, we've all noticed," Kashya said. "You'll have to get your own gear for her."

"No problem, I still have the bow Blood Raven was using."

"Cool!" Heather grinned. "Can I see it?"

With a Hunter's Bow of Maiming, a socketed pot helm and some hard leather, Heather was ready to face anything. Not up to killing it, mind you, but ready. The Mausoleum was full of Zombies and Skeletons, and the Crypt was more of the same. Also, there were exploding barrels. Bodiccea got knocked on her ass more than once. Didn't everybody get tired of the damn things back in Diablo I? The tombs netted loot from several undefiled graves (which Bodiccea promptly defiled with no objections from Heather) and two Golden Chests of Joy. Heather was very nice to talk to, and attacked the enemy with great spirit. Maybe bow girls aren't so bad after all... when they know who's boss.

Chapter 5

The sun shone faintly over the Rogue camp palisade when Bodiccea opened her eyes. Last night was exhausting -- wow, the Rogues know how to put on a pillow fight. Amazing how they'd all managed to save their best lingerie when they fled the monastery, too. Of course, Bodiccea's was even better: genuine Amazon spider-silk so sheer, you can hardly see if it's there at all. After one last snuggle under the warm blankets, she threw them off and rose to her feet. A long, languorous stretch pulled silky whispers excitingly over her bare skin. Her leathers were where she'd left them. Slowly, she fit them to her body: buckling, tightening, adjusting straps and pulling on her high boots and gauntlets. A final shake of her hair and just a touch of red, red lip gloss, and she was dressed to kill.

Outside the tent, Heather was looking at her funny. "Um... what was all that for?"

"Fan service," Bodiccea smirked. "Let's hit the trail. Oop, gotta talk to Akara first."

Heather nodded, and walked with her. "Lady Akara was really happy to hear you got Blood Raven. She thinks it's kind of her fault Andarial took over the monastery, like she didn't see it coming so she's to blame for it."

"Nah. Nobody saw it coming, that's the way it was set up."

"You think it was planned?"

Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Uh, yeah. The queen of Succubi shows up, and your sisters start killing people naked? And there's all those other demons she had with her..."

"Oh," Heather laughed a bit. "Yeah, duh. But who planned it?"

"Diablo."

Her eyes widened. "So you think the rumors are true?"

"Uh-huh. He's the man of the hour." Akara was pacing back and forth in front of her tent, looking less mournful than usual. "Hi, Akara!"

"Hello, daughter," Akara smiled warmly. "Your defeat of Blood Raven was truly remarkable. I feared that she, who I raised from a child, might be the death of all of us."

"Yeah? So, why's she called that? I mean, who would name their kid Blood Raven?"

"I am afraid I do not remember. More pressing matters occupy my mind. It is clear that we face an enemy who is difficult to comprehend, let alone combat."

Bodiccea shrugged. "It's not that hard..."

"My knowledge of demonkind was inadequate; I did not recognize the signs. I fear we may be lost without the advice of one wiser than I."

"Nah, just whack Andarial. Diablo put her in there, so we kill her and --"

"Your confidence is laudable, brave Amazon," Akara intoned. "I suspect that what you say may be true, but could not bear to send you to our monastery without being certain. There is one who may know the answers to all of our questions: Deckard Cain, the --"

"Oh yeah! Mr. Stay-a-while-and-listen." Bodiccea grinned.

"You know him, then. That is only natural, his reputation extends to the four corners of the world. He lived most recently in Tristram, where many of our sisters went when rumors of the Lord of Terror's reawakening began to spread. No word has come from Tristram for some time, but if Deckard Cain still lives, his learning would be invaluable for our cause."

"Not to mention free Identify. So: how do we get to Tristram?"

"In a stony field not far up the pass, you will find a cairn of five stones, set in a ring."

Bodiccea nodded. "You do know that a cairn is a pile of rocks, not a ring?"

"Yes, child," Akara said with barely detectable annoyance. "The ring is enchanted to form a gate when the stones are touched in the proper sequence."

"Which you don't remember either, right?" Bodiccea smirked. "I mean, we can't make this easy, now, can we?"

"The ring has not been used for some time," Akara said as Heather elbowed Bodiccea in the ribs. "The code is recorded in the bark of the Tree of Inifuss."

"Which is in the middle of a dark scary forest?" Bodiccea said, rubbing her side and glaring at Heather.

"Yes. You may reach the forest more quickly by means of an underground passage. The entrance is in the cliff wall near the stone ring."

"Got it. Ok, that's enough to keep me out of trouble for one day. See ya!"

As they walked to the waypoint, Bodiccea hissed, "Hey, what'd you hit me for?"

"Akara is wise and good. You should be more respectful." Heather frowned. "She's been like a mother to all of us!"

"Yeah, boring," Bodiccea stuck out her tongue. "Ok, ok, she's trying to be nice. But this quest has got to be the most irritating one in Act I. We've got to clear the Stony Field, the Underground Passage, and find both the Tree of Inifuss and the Dark Wood waypoint before we can take a break. And get through Tristram."

Now Heather looked confused. "Um..."

"You'll see." Bodiccea stepped on the Rogue camp waypoint. "We'll come out on the Cold Plains. Don't attack anything, just follow me to the Stony Field. Ok?"

"Ok."

The Stony Field entrance and the Cold Plains waypoint were almost on opposite sides of the plains. Bodiccea actually had to stop and rest, so she and Heather killed Corrupted Rogues to pass the time. Bishibosh threw fireballs on their way past, but they didn't stop again until they found the Stony Field. Just inside the entrance was a house full of Carvers.

"These little guys are all over the place, aren't they?" Heather asked as she put an arrow through a Carver's eye.

"Yeah, either Andarial or Diablo brought in a whole bunch of the little whiners. Don't know why, they're so pathetic."

"Did you see that green one? He didn't look pathetic."

"That was Bishibosh. He's pretty nasty."

"Oh! Some of them were saying that before we killed them."

"Yep." Bodiccea looked around at the now-dead Carvers. "And Colenzo, and Rakanishu."

"Who are they?"

"Haven't met them yet. We will, though."

Heather blinked, then thought about it. "Oh, because if they're calling for one of them, the others are probably around too, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea said, turning over the rock northwest of the house. "Hmm, socketed leather. You want to try this on?"

"Sure." Heather retreated inside the house to change while Bodiccea looked around some more outside. "Don't go too far!"

"I won't. Hey, here's another rock with stuff under it."

"Yeah," Heather called. "When people came through the pass, a lot of them used to hide stuff under the stones around here."

"Cool. Used to be when I turned over rocks, all I'd find was worms or ex-boyfriends. You have a boyfriend, Heather?"

"No... we're not allowed to."

Bodiccea paused, waiting for elaboration that didn't come. "Yeah, but did you?"

Heather came out of the house, wriggling and brushing a little dirt off the leather. "No, I never had a boyfriend."

"Never even tried?"

"Nuh-uh." She looked a little bashful.

"Ever thought about it?"

"Well..." Heather shrugged. "Not really."

Bodiccea shook her head. "We've got to get to work on you, girl! Everybody's got to have a boyfriend. They're too much fun not to have at least one!"

"There's not a lot of boys around here..."

"Gawd, I know. I'll buy you one when we hit Lut Gholein," Bodiccea grinned.

Heather nodded, more than a little confused, and quietly followed as Bodiccea moved off.

Just past the house was a unique Foul Crow pack, whose boss had the Holy Fire aura. "Holy my ass," Bodiccea thought, "that's a demon," but they probably didn't want to change all the aura names just because they were giving them to demons now. Beyond the crows was a small group of Skeletons, and the waypoint. Foul Crows never appeared again, and Carvers were scarce too. There were plenty of Skeletons, Hungry Dead, and Moon Clan Goatmen. They were kind of a disappointment. Goatmen looked a lot better in Diablo I.

While Heather was plinking away at some encroaching Zombies -- they sat up and noticed HER, anyway -- Bodiccea found the Moldy Tome, and read up on the Countess. "Say, do you think they based the Countess on Countess Elizabeth Bathory?"

"Who?"

"The Countess! Bathed in the blood of a hundred virgins."

"Oh!" Heather shivered. "The Bloody Countess. No one knows what her name was, it was stricken from all the records."

"It probably was Elizabeth, she was nasty. You know, there are a lot more evil females in the Rogue pass than anywhere else. There's Blood Raven, the Countess, and Andarial."

Heather came over and looked at the book. "Is the Countess alive?"

"Yeah, Andarial raised her from the dead." Bodiccea closed the book. "The only other female superboss I can think of is Battlemaid Sarina. No, wait, I guess there's the Maggot Queen. It has to be a female thing, but I dunno..."

Slowly, Heather said, "I'm sorry, but sometimes, I have no idea what you're talking about."

Bodiccea smiles, and patted her on the shoulder. "I'll explain later. There's too much to do today. Promise."

The rest of the fields went by smoothly until they found the circle. "These stones serve some magical purpose," Bodiccea found herself saying. Ok, so the Assassin doesn't have a monopoly on crappy in-game dialogue. Heather moved in to the center of the circle, and found Rakanishu on the other side. Her first arrow set off a spray of sparks, which wouldn't have been too bad if either of them had significant lightning resistance. A voice in the back of her head reminded her that Sigon's Shelter has 30% LR... but she ignored it, and ran in to deal with li'l sparky herself.

As she ran up to Rakanishu, an experience shrine came into view. A wave of fond nostalgia came over her, remembering back to the days when those were actually valuable. For old times' sake, she hit the shrine, and then Rakanishu. The life leech from Sigon's stuff almost took care of the lightning; she was only half-dead when he fell. His reward for her? A magic ring with lightning resistance. Bastard.

The Underground Passage was long and boring. There were Misshapen and Corrupted Rogues in the cave. Bodiccea had fun using Jab to make sure the Misshapen never got a chance to run, and when she reached level 12, got to put a point in Impale. That skill would have been really handy for Rakanishu, but too late now. On the lower level, she and Heather met a boss Rogue named Sin Skin, an even more unlikely name than Blood Raven. Maybe Andarial renamed her. The Golden Chest of Joy yielded up some Necromancer heads. They weren't that good, but heck, a girl can get to like a little head every now and then.

At the entrance to the Dark Wood, Bodiccea said, "Heather? We need two things: the bark from the tree of Inifuss, and the waypoint."

"Ok. What do we do then?"

"Go back to the stone circle, make the gate to Tristram, and go rescue Deckard Cain."

Heather nodded. "And somehow, you know he's still alive."

"And needs to be rescued."

"But how do you know he's still alive?"

"'Cause it would be completely depressing if he wasn't. The world doesn't work that way. Now we go up into the woods. Watch out for wolves."

"The kind that throw fireballs?"

Bodiccea grinned. "Yep."

Chapter 6

The Dark Wood was dark, and wooded. Bodiccea stepped out of the Underground Tunnel and looked around, motioning to Heather to follow. A sparse forest stretched from one side of the pass to the other. There was a clearing to the east, and what looked like an empty corral to the north.

"Ok, here's the plan," Bodiccea began. "We'll spiral out from here until we hit a wall, then follow that around, keeping it to our backs. If you see the Tree of Inifuss, don't go near it until we have the area cleared."

Heather nodded, and with a tone of exasperation, asked, "So you know there's there something guarding it?"

Bodiccea sighed. "Ok... I guess we all have to be told sometime. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll just show you. Could you give me your hand?"

Bodiccea threw her head back and shouted "conference!" With Heather's hand firmly in hers, she stepped back through the ground into darkness. Heather struggled a bit going through the monitor cord, and skinned her knee on the CPU fan (if only Blizzard let mercs wear boots) but Bodiccea held on tight until they reached a flat plain of grass next to a few bushes and a strange building. On second glance, Heather saw it wasn't grass: the ground itself was green and painted with a grass-like texture. The bushes were made of triangular tubes, with flat, angular leaves and orange fruit faceted like gems. Every surface of the building was perfectly flat, and the corners were as sharp as the edges of a knife.

"Hi, guys!" Bodiccea waved to a group of strange people gathered around a large pool of water. "Hey, Fuzzy! Can your merc talk to my merc?"

Mizor: (smiles) "Hwerro!"

"Wha...? Where are we?" Heather squeaked.

"Um... I think it's the entrance to the temple of the Nali water god, but I'm not sure."

Paige: "Hi, Heather! Nice to see you made it."

"Paige! How'd you get here? Where'd you get plate armor? Hey, nice bow..."

Paige: "It's not bad. (to Bodiccea) Have you told her anything?"

"Nah, I couldn't figure out how. I'll let you two talk, m-kay?"

Paige: "Sure. You see, Heather, it's like this..."

Over with the others, Bodiccea sat down, pulled off her boots, and dangled her legs in the pool. "So, how's it going?"

"It never changes," Tearlach said. "You know that. A life of a million cursed Meph runs would be better than this idleness."

"Don't be so sure," Thaddeus said. "I must have done hundreds of Hell cow runs, trying to get some of the higher runes. Never found a single one above a Hel."

"Maybe you had too much magic find," Bodiccea smiled.

"No, I had none. And yet, I still found magical items. I found the Immortal King's Will, Kuko Shakaku, Fleshrender... but no good runes."

"Bleah," Bodiccea said. "High level runes are too damn rare. Hey, how come I haven't seen the Mule lately?"

Mizor: (raises an eyebrow.) "Wiireehioo aheetuff?"

Thaddeus nodded. "Quite right. Even if you weren't in the habit of rejecting gifts, you're not big enough."

Bodiccea arched her back and breathed in very deeply. "How about now?"

Tearlach smiled. "Mmmm. I wish that was what tin-man meant."

"Heh." Thaddeus frowned a bit. "You'll be getting a grand charm when you're 14th level, and some more things when you reach 18."

"Phoo, I'm only 12th. Golly, I guess that means I'm not legal yet. Ow!" Bodiccea pulled her feet out of the water. "Stupid fish."

From where she was sitting under a strangely angular palm tree, Amanita lazily looked over and said, "That's why we didn't go in the water."

"Quite so," Varnae smiled, hovering near Amanita. "There is also the shark, should any of you feel that life has grown too tedious."

Bodiccea looked around. "Hey, where's the Sorceress?"

Tearlach snorted. "Chasing the bunnies. She wants to pet the stupid cowardly things."

"Ha!" Bodiccea grinned. "What is it with her and bunnies?"

"Not just rabbits," Amanita smiled, ignoring Varnae's presence. "Kittens, puppies, horsies, butterflies, whatever."

Varnae mused for a moment. "If she wants a puppy, I suppose I could go and make her one. The spare parts lying around my workshop should be sufficient."

Amanita's eyes slowly opened. "That is wrong. Sick, twisted, and totally wrong."

Varnae smiled. "Why, thank you."

Amanita grinned. "So when are you going to do it?"

"Hush, my dear. These things take time, and must be presented at the proper moment."

"Varnae..." Thaddeus sighed. "You will do no such thing. We all know you are a poison Necromancer, not a Skeleton or Revive Necromancer."

Dear Diary,

Is it any wonder no one with any taste likes Paladins? The common colloquialism "killjoy" leaps to mind. Relieving the tedium of existence with unprovoked cruelty to the deserving is a right and a pleasure I have no intention of ever denying myself. Besides... that beautiful dark angel favored me with her smile! For but one more, I would face the united stuffiness of a thousand of his armored ilk! Still, he has a point: I lack the knowledge, a fact not lost on any aware of my reputation, which includes all our present company. The Amazon's new girl... ah, the other Rogue is pointing me out... and she has turned white as a sheet. It is astounding how easily one may become infamous in these circles.

Mizor: (The pale sickly man is breathing funny again. He's weird.)

"So..." Heather's brow knitted in concentration. "This is all, like, an act?"

Paige: "No. You really are saving the world."

"It's the world that's an act," Kasim said.

Khaleel grinned. "Life's but a walking shadow, and we are poor players who strut and fret our hour on the stage until we are heard no more."

Paige: "Uh... yeah."

Kasim snorted. "Sorcerers."

Khaleel shrugged. "Hey, I read books."

Paige: "The point is, the world needs saving, but there's another world outside it. We're out there now, and you can look back in."

"Where?" Heather asked, still utterly bewildered.

"Right over there," Kasim pointed back in the direction they'd come. Heather could see an empty field. The Underground Passage entrance was in the right half of the field, and her own picture was hovering in the upper left.

Paige: "Yeah. Miss Bodiccea? Could you say 'Q' so we can see your quests?"

"Sure! Q!" Half the field vanished, and an array of six pictures with a bit of glowing text appeared. As they watched, the upper middle picture (a red and black bird with an arrow under its wing) disappeared in a swirl of gray, with the loud tolling of a bell.

"Ow," Bodiccea held her ears as she came over. "I wish they hadn't put that noise in."

"Who put that noise in?" Heather asked.

"The Powers What Is, also known as Blizzard. They like to mess with us."

"Oh. Why is my picture there?"

"'Cause you're my merc," Bodiccea smiled.

"What does that make you?"

"Prima donna."

Heather nodded quietly... then grinned... then giggled. "Um... you know, Kashya called you that earlier..."

Bodiccea's eyes narrowed. "Oh, did she? I'm going to have to have a little talk with her."

"Like you have talks with Gheed?"

Bodiccea slapped her forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! Quick, we gotta go back! Nice seeing you guys again! Bye!"

Bodiccea grabbed Heather by the scruff of her neck and dragged her back to the Dark Wood, then cast a town portal. Running straight past a surprised-looking Warriv, she made for Gheed's corner. After a short pause, there was some thumping, and Bodiccea yelled, "Get out from under there, you coward!"

Warriv sighed, and looked at Heather. "Was it you that reminded her?"

"Uh..." Heather grinned a little. "I guess it was."

Warriv shook his head as loud screams could be heard across the camp. The screams rose and fell in pitch once... twice... three times, then reached a crescendo so painful Warriv had to cross his legs, even though he was standing up. Then there was a loud splash.

Bodiccea came running back. "Three points! Clear over the wall and into the river!"

"By Heaven, woman!" Warriv looked aghast. "You are going to leave him without any reproductive capacity whatsoever!"

"You say that like it would be a bad thing. C'mon, Heather!"

From the Underground Passage, Bodiccea and Heather moved out in a spiral pattern. The first enemies they found were Dark Hunters, then a burning house full of Carvers. For the first time, the Shaman inside the house actually came out to fight, and Bodiccea was happy to take him up on the offer and impale him just outside the door. A few Spike Fiends were firing quills from the edge of the woods. If they were actually dangerous, Bodiccea might have hidden behind trees or dodged the spikes, but there wasn't much need. After two rounds around the wood, they found a wall and followed it from then on. Heather had a new rare hunter's bow by this point, and some ring mail from Charsi.

At one point, they ran across a small barn, with a cow inside. "Wow," Heather said. "They let it live."

"Uh-uh! All the regular cows are dead. That's an ambassador from the Moo-moo farms."

Heather blinked. "It's just a cow..."

Bodiccea grinned. "That's what it wants you to think. Look into that monster's eyes. It's tasted human blood! That cow's a man-eater!"

Heather looked at the cow. It looked back, slowly chewing. "Miss Bodiccea, sometimes I just don't know when to take you seriously..."

"Never, silly."

Heather shrugged. "Ok."

While they were clearing out a Carver camp, and another right next to it, Bodiccea spotted the Tree of Inifuss. To her credit, Heather went nowhere near the tree. Once the camps were cleared, Bodiccea went over to the strange-looking tree and peeled some of the bark off like a scroll. A guttural growl announced the arrival of a huge Brute, but he only had two minions and was quickly dispatched. "That's one," Bodiccea thought. "Now, where's that stupid waypoint?"

The waypoint, as it turns out, was right next to where they'd first found the outer wall. By the time they found it, they'd pretty much cleared the entire Dark Wood. If only she'd gone right instead of left... Swearing mildly, Bodiccea hit the waypoint and ran to the stone ring, or cairn stones, or whatever it was called. Akara had already translated the scroll, so she hit the rocks in the right order, and in a flurry of lightning, a red gate appeared.

Tristram was a sad sight. Every building was in ruins, and flames belched greasy black smoke up to the starless night sky. "It's as if a great war were fought here."

"Um," Heather murmured, "wasn't it? Paige said Diablo's demons attacked here."

"Hey, that's my line. It ain't Shakespeare, but I gotta say it. Hey! We can't lose!"

"What makes you say that?"

"I!" Bodiccea pointed at her gold inventory. "I just noticed, I have 1337 gold on me! I am 1337! That means I can't lose!"

Heather quietly stared at her for a minute. "You know, you're really kind of weird."

Bodiccea grinned. "You know, you're right! Let's paint the town red."

"I think someone beat us to it, but ok."

The cleared the perimeter of the town first. Past a cow -- which Bodiccea just HAD to poke, spattering them both with bovine guts -- they went into a mostly open area, with Skeleton archers and some Night Clan Goatmen. For some reason, the Cathedral was walled off. It would have been fun to look inside, maybe see if there were any naked bat chick statues in the graveyard, but it was not to be.

On the north side of town was Gillian's body, charred and almost unrecognizable. Ogden was lying by his inn door. Wirt was still out among the rocks, though Bodiccea wasn't as sad to see him. Pepin was a jumble of burnt bone next to his hospital. Farnham was a mass of flame that probably had enough fuel to burn a week longer than the rest of town. The east end of town was behind the wall, so there was no sign of Adria. Bodiccea sighed, and holding her spear up high, screamed to the uncaring heavens, "Damn you, Blizzard! You didn't give them any running animation! Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!"

The noise must have been what attracted Griswold. The dead smith came stumbling out of the southwest corner of town, with a stone skin Skeleton boss. "Oh, NOW he can move," Bodiccea said. "Heather, you pick off the minions, ok? I'll take the big boys."

Heather killed all the other skeletons before Bodiccea had even made a serious dent in ol' Griswold. Well, at least Blizz made him as tough as he should be. She tried Jab, Impale, and Power Strike, nothing whittled him down faster than he was smashing her. Finally, with great reluctance, Bodiccea did something she hadn't needed to do in since Blood Raven... drink a red potion. It was embarrassing.

After Griswold and the skelly boss finally died, they cleared the rest of town. For some reason, the usual crowds of Champion Shamans were absent. Cain was hanging in his cage, shouting for help. "Hi there!" Bodiccea smiled.

"Help!"

"Hey, I want to ask you something..."

"Help me! They've trapped me in this accursed cage!"

"Yeah, but there's this thing about your portal. When I let you down, you make a portal and disappear. Why don't you just cast your portal now?"

Cain stared at her. "What the devil are you talking about, woman? Get me out of here!"

"I mean, if I'm making the portal, I should be able to go through it, but if you..."

"I have a portal scroll," Cain shouted, "but this cage is too small for the portal to appear inside! If I made the portal now, it would appear outside the bars!"

"Ohhh..." Bodiccea lowered the cage and pried the door open. "Ok, here you go. See you in the Rogue camp! Hey, how do you know where the Rogues are now... ?"

But he was already gone. "Wow. He's speedy for an old guy."

Heather nodded. "Are we going home now? We've been out a long time now."

"Yep." Bodiccea started ticking off her fingers. "I get to talk to Akara, and get a ring I'll probably sell right back to her. Charsi will want the Horadric Malus back, but first we go into the Black Marshes and deal with the Countess. Oh, and see what the Mule dropped off, I'm 14 now."

Heather smirked a little. "Funny, you look older than that."

Bodiccea giggled. "I'm big for my age."

"You're big for anybody's age!"

Bodiccea laughed! "Hey, girl! You're getting sassy. I like that, keep doing it."

"Ok."

Chapter 7

"Good morning!" Cain smiled as Bodiccea and Heather approached. "I want to thank you for rescuing me from that accursed cage. As a token of my gratitude, I will identify any arcane items you might find free of charge!"

"Well, that's mighty white of you," Bodiccea smiled. "You want this ring? I've got no use for a Bronze Ring of Light."

Cain regarded the ring, shaking his head slightly. "Akara told me that she would give you such a reward. Though not the most powerful item I have seen, you must understand that it is the best she can do for the moment. She and I are both truly grateful."

"Eh, no biggie. You're both in the same boat: lost, homeless, and in a hell of a situation." Then she grinned and glanced over at Warriv. "So, Warriv... how come you've never shown me your eternal gratitude with fine jewelry?"

Warriv, who'd obviously been hoping she wouldn't notice him, glanced heavenwards and mumbled, "Are you sure you only want jewelry?"

"Only because you won't give me what I REALLY need," Bodiccea pouted, running a hand down her thigh.

Cain cleared his throat. "Regrettably, I could do nothing to prevent the tragedy that befell Tristram. I fear the Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"

"You don't sell jewelry, do you, Warriv?"

Warriv shook his head. "No, I manage caravans, not goods."

"Aw, phoo! Not even nipple rings?"

Warriv raised an eyebrow and frowned. "Certainly not."

"How about nipple shields, like Janet Jackson was wearing? Do you think I'd look good with one of those? Or maybe two of them?"

"I said," Cain repeated a bit louder, "The Lord of Terror walks the earth once more!"

"Yeah, yeah," Bodiccea nodded absent-mindedly. "Well... maybe wearing two at the same time would be too much." She looked down at her chest. "On your other hand, too much might not be enough with me. What do you think, Warry-dear?"

Warriv was massaging his temples. "I'm trying not to think about it."

"Well, that's no fun!" Bodiccea pouted, "Oh, I know what you're trying to say! You're really saying, 'Boddy baby, you're perfect just the way you are. You don't need jewelry covering anything up!' All the cheap guys say that."

Heather leaned over and whispered something in Warriv's ear, then stepped away with an innocent smirk on her face. Warriv turned to Bodiccea and smiled. "Maybe Gheed would want to see you in nipple shields."

Bodiccea made a face. "Ew, yuck."

"Especially since they have spikes on the inside to hold them in place."

"Ew! Ok, Janet Jackson is nuts."

Cain plaintively asked, "Doesn't anyone want to hear about the Lord of Terror walking the earth once more?"

"Huh?" Bodiccea said. "Oh, yeah, sure. Um, just a minute." She ran to Gheed's corner of camp. There was a crash like a door being kicked in, the sound of Bodiccea shouting "spiky nipple shields, huh?" and a tremendous banging mingled with cries of pain. The screaming abruptly cut off, and Bodiccea came back, wiping her hands on another piece of Gheed's coat. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

While Cain described the horrors of Tristram, Warriv was gazing up at Gheed, who'd been hoisted over his wagon on a pole shoved through the waistband of his underpants. "I almost feel as though I should salute him."

"Yeah, kind of," Heather agreed. "I didn't know you could swallow your own arm up to the elbow like that."

Warriv shrugged. "I'm more surprised his nipples are intact, frankly. You know, he's been threatening to take the Rogues to court for failing to insure his safety."

Heather rolled her eyes. "Lady Akara can't do anything about it."

"That might be true," Warriv chuckled. "But he will try legal action."

"So why doesn't he sue her? She's the one trying to wedgie him to death."

"You're forgetting one of the first rules of a successful lawsuit: never sue someone who would physically attack you if they lose."

Meanwhile, Cain was just finishing up. "It is clear that Diablo is headed to the east, making for the city of Lut Gholein, where his brother Baal, Lord of Destruction was imprisoned long ago. Andarial must be in league with him, and is here to block pursuit through the pass. It is imperative that you make your way through the monastery, destroy the Queen of Anguish, and halt Diablo before he reaches his goal!"

Bodiccea was quietly nodding. "Uh-huh. You know, my uncle Acheor has shoes almost exactly like those. Are they prescription or something?"

Cain frowned disapprovingly. "If Diablo locates his brother Baal --"

"Okay, okay!" Bodiccea smiled. "I'm on it. Just gotta clear the pass first. Andarial's got a lot of minions running around."

"The danger will be great," Cain said, "but worse still if Diablo is able to reunite with his brother demons! The Three together --"

"Would be unstoppable, they'd drench the world in a wave of blood and nightmares, we'll have Hellspawn coming out of our beer mugs, dogs and cats living together, uncontrollable mass hysteria... I get it. First, Andarial. After her, we deal with the big boys."

"Hmm, yes," Cain said, calming down. "Well, you must, of course, strive towards your goal one step at a time, but it is important be aware of where your steps are taking you."

"Sure. I know where I'm going, and it's gonna take a while. You wait right here, ok? I'll be back soon."

From the waypoint, Bodiccea and Heather ran to clean out one last bit of the Dark Wood, near the center. It was worth the trip: they killed a set of four Champion Carvers, each its own color. The Berserker was cobalt blue (or maybe "kobold" blue), a lot nicer than the usual Carver baby blue. The Forgotten Tower was right next to the Black Marsh entrance, and the waypoint was on the other side of the river running through the middle.

Their first encounter was a spectral hit Blood Hawk pack. Next was an extra fast Night Clan herd and a group of Corrupted Rogue archers. Things got easier after that, until Bodiccea's spear started splintering. It was easy to fix, of course, but after another couple of Carver camps, it started breaking again. Damn that low durability. Why'd Blizzard saddle spears with that, anyway? In reality, swords need the most maintenance. Whatever, the socketed spear wasn't cutting it anymore. It took too long to kill anything. Gheed has some tridents, but they're so slow... Maybe she could pester the Mule for one of the low level unique spears? Sure, they suck, but all low level uniques suck, and they can't suck as much as the ones Charsi has...

They didn't find much in the Black Marsh. Bodiccea kept kicking the fallen logs, expecting something to pop out, which confused the heck out of Heather. "Why are you doing that?"

"Force of habit," Bodiccea said. "They hide stuff in logs in Kurast."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense."

"There's so much stuff hidden around here it's screwy. Heck, every third rock on the Stony Field had goodies under it. I mean, is it supposed to be that hundreds of thousands of people came through the pass, hid things under rocks, then forgot which rock?"

Heather shrugged. "Well, this kind of is the only easy way from the western kingdoms to the Twin Seas. Unless you go by boat."

"And how the heck do you fit a polearm under a rock?"

"You got that off that Blood Hawk."

"Even worse!" Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, well. It'll only get stranger. Wait 'til you see Flayers dropping pikes and full plate armor."

Heather smirked. "The anticipation is killing me."

"Hey!" Bodiccea glared at Heather. "Sassy is good, sarcastic is not."

"Oh, sorry."

"Yeah. The Flayers will be what kills you."

The Hole was in the first half of the Black Marsh, on the other side from the tower. Inside, there were Corrupted Archers, Brutes, and a pack of Misshapen with the Fanaticism aura, in addition to the usual Carver camps. One of the Brutes was fire enchanted, but that wasn't a problem at this point. There were lots of Rogues, both corrupted and dead... man, the cheesecake is laid on thick in this act. Might that be because Act I got released as a demo to help sell the game? Nah, probably just a coincidence. Level 2 of The Hole was Carvers, Carvers, and more Carvers. One corner had a boss pack, 4 Champions, and two Shamans together in one group. This Golden Chest of Joy was well earned.

Outside, Bodiccea hit an experience shrine, then the Countess' tower. The place reeked, worse than any undefiled grave, and was full of exploding barrels, Ghosts, Blood Clan goats, Dark Archers, and a unique Devilkin pack. The usual, in other words. Bodiccea still didn't get the point of exploding barrels. Hiding Skeletons or Zombies in a barrel to jump out, sure, but what were they keeping in there that would blow up? One pack of Champions included that rare and ridiculous beast, the Ghostly Ghost. It was yellow, or maybe orange -- it's kind of hard to tell when every monster turns blue the second your Rogue sees it.

Way, way down, past more cellars than anybody would ever need for anything, Bodiccea and Heather found the lowest level of the tower. Right outside the entrance chamber was a lightning enchanted Blood goat -- exactly what she didn't want while she was stuck with a low damage weapon and no lightning resistance. Impale and a lot of life leech worked well on it, and the rest of the pack brought Bodiccea's health up to full again. Instead of clearing the side chambers first, Bodiccea decided to get the Countess first.

In the back of the hall, past the cauldron of boiling virgin's blood, Bodiccea and Heather met one last pack of Ghosts. Some of the Countess' minions came out and tried to lure them into her chamber; they killed the Ghosts first, then went in. Firewalls sprung up in the entrances, and the Countess' giggle echoed through the chamber.

The battle went smoothly. It's hard to find a really challenging fight in Act I anyway, and Sigon's gear made everything easy. The Countess, her minions, and some Blood Clan goats were in the room, but the speed and life leech took care of everything. Heather didn't even stand in the firewall. Herself dropped Death's Guard and some blues, and there was an El rune in her chest. Typical. The side chambers had gold and a few items, but nothing worth mentioning.

"Well, that was boring," Bodiccea said after they portalled back to town.

"Yeah, I guess." Heather bit her lip. "Everything in there was really scary-looking, but not that hard to kill."

"Nope. Good money, though."

"Hey!" Kashya shouted as they approached. "You! I want to talk to you."

"Hmm?" Bodiccea asked. "You're not the one who's supposed to ask me to get the Horadric Malus."

"You have heard of the Horadric Malus?" Cain began. "That is a legendary artifact, a tool infused with the raw power of chaos to --"

"Skip it," Kashya cut him off. "Keep your hands off Gheed. He's threatening to take us to court if we don't stop you from abusing him."

Bodiccea hmphed! "What's he doing suing you? He should sue me. Hey, Gheed!"

A high-pitched voice wailed out of a tree next to the Rogue camp wall, "Get the hell away from me, you evil bitch!! I'm staying out here with the monsters!"

Bodiccea stood at the gate of the Rogue camp, spear in hand and a fist on her hip, and announced to the tree, "This is to hereby notify you, party of the first part, that I, party of the partying part, that I am suing you for suing the Rogues and not suing me!"

The tree was silent for a moment... then laughed. "Very well. I agree to drop my suit against the Rogues... if you agree to abide by the court's decision after I sue you!"

"Sure."

"And to behave yourself in the courtroom?"

"No prob. Now get down here and take your medicine for being such a jerk!"

"Oh, no," the tree laughed again. "I'm staying right here until our court date."

"Where do you think you're going to find a judge around here, anyway? Or do you think Akara's going to do it?"

The tree shook with laughter. "You just wait. You'll see."

Chapter 8

The next morning, no matter how hard she looked, Bodiccea couldn't find Gheed, either inside the camp or out. He wasn't under his wagon, in a tree, behind the woodpile, in any of the tents, or anywhere. Annoyed, she resolved to hurt him very badly when he showed his slimy face again and went to the waypoint. Waypoints are a kludge, but a convenient one. Sure beats having to scamper through all those areas after they've repopulated. Saving a level empty might be more realistic, but running back to where you stopped would take an awfully long time, and the file size would be ridiculous. Besides, how could you do item runs if Meph stays dead?

Half of the Dark Wood was left, so Bodiccea and Heather went back to the old routine, criss-crossing back and forth to make sure they cleared it completely. Near the obligatory burning house (shouldn't they go out after a while?) they ran into their only serious fight, a unique Carver Shaman with teleportation. When he did his thing, it sounded almost exactly like a fat guy farting. Bodiccea stopped chasing him a couple of times because she got the giggles, but eventually she pulled herself together and killed him.

"Hi, Charsi." Bodiccea dropped her almost-splintered spear on the table. "It's me again."

"Oh, hi! Don't worry, it's ok. Good thing this isn't enchanted, or this'd take a lot longer. All that's in there is the gems."

"I always knew I was high-maintenance." Bodiccea grinned, then laughed. "Gawd, that Shaman sounded silly. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard!"

Heather nodded. "Yeah, well, I guess we kind of took the wind out of his sails."

"Or deflated his ego," Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, wait! This one time, I was on duty, and this guy was coming on to me? I could not believe it, he actually tried 'Is it hot in here, or is it just you?' on me."

"Ew," Heather said.

"Seriously, I could not buh-LEEVE anybody'd try that! That is SO LAME! Anyway, I was about to whack him in the nuts, when he farted."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"And he just keeps talking, ok? He keeps smiling and trying to act like it didn't happen!"

"He was probably too embarrassed..."

"Heather, guys don't get embarrassed. They just keep talking and hope you forget about it, like we're stupid or something. Anyway, he was talking, and I was holding my nose, which he ignored, when one of the priestesses came in. She just kind of looked around, you know, then said, "Guard, there is a dead animal in here somewhere. Find it and throw it out."

"What'd you do?"

Bodiccea grinned. "I threw him out. He didn't come back, either."

A slight frown creasing her brow, Heather nodded. "Um, ok." After a moment's thought, she said, "I hope he was all right."

Bodiccea sighed. "He was fine, I only beat him up a little. Heather, you gotta stop being so nice. Guys'll walk all over you like this."

"I dunno..."

"Excuse me?" Charsi said, and handed Bodiccea's spear back. "That's fixed about as good as I can get it. Are you sure you don't want to buy a trident? They're stronger, and Gheed has plenty for sale."

Bodiccea made a face. "Gheed is... uh, tridents are too slow."

"Gheed isn't here, you mean? Yeah! I wonder what happened to him?"

"For once," Heather said, "it wasn't her."

"Hey!" Bodiccea said.

Heather bowed her head, mostly to hide the smirk she couldn't quite keep off her face, and said, "You said I should stop being nice to everybody."

"I didn't mean to me!" Bodiccea glared, then laughed. "I'm sorry, have I let my inner bitch out a little too often?"

A snerk of laughter choked out of Heather, and she muttered "inner?" to Charsi. Charsi smiled, and said, "You are kind of mean to Gheed. I don't know why, I think he's funny."

"That's just my inner bitch. You know how some people claim to have inner strength, or inner sight, or an inner voice? I don't believe in any of that. I do believe that every woman, every single one, has within her an inner bitch. Like right there: whatever Heather just said to you, I know that she has finally found her inner bitch."

"It wasn't that bad," Heather murmured.

"Then you need to let her out more, girl!" Bodiccea grinned. "Our inner bitches give us strength. Like this other time I was in temple, and this old lady in rags came up to me. She asked me, 'Please, may I have a bit of money to buy a crust of bread?' I reached into my purse and gave her a copper, and said, 'There you go. Goddess bless you!'"

"That sounds all right," Charsi said, frowning in confusion.

"Yeah," Heather agreed.

"Sure, but my inner bitch was saying, 'Bullshit, lady! You're going to get a bowl of narlant and smoke yourself blind instead of dealing with your problems, aren't you?' At the same time, I could hear her inner bitch saying, 'One damned copper? You useless cunt, what the hell am I supposed to buy with this?' She smiled at me, and I smiled at her, and we shared a beautiful inner bitch moment together."

Charsi blinked. "Oh." Heather looked stunned.

"The part of you deep inside that says 'Ok, cut the crap,' that's your inner bitch! The day you decide your middle name is not 'welcome', you have found your inner bitch! We need our inner bitches! Without them, men will run right over us and take over everything."

"The old lady was a man?" Charsi blurted out.

"No! I meant men or women who are bitches. Whatever. My point is, you shouldn't be nice to everybody."

Heather smirked. "I guess that's why you don't try."

"Heather!" Bodiccea laughed. "I am in touch with my inner bitch. I like her, and she's good for me. My inner bitch is reaching out to your inner bitch, but your inner bitch is being such a bitch my inner bitch may have to slap her around a bit if she's not careful."

Charsi laughed a little. "Where's the inner child fit in?"

"My inner bitch isn't a child anymore. We like boys too much."

"Is Kashya in touch with her inner bitch?" Heather asked.

"Kashya IS her inner bitch. Either that or they're touching each other so much you could make money charging people to watch."

Heather giggled, glancing over her shoulder. "I don't think you could charge people to watch Kashya being a b-i-t-c-h."

Bodiccea nodded. "Yeah, the market's kind of flooded."

By now, Charsi was blushing to her blonde roots again, trying unsuccessfully to suppress her laughter. "I shouldn't be laughing at this..."

"That's just your inner bitch, trying to get out! You just need to let her. Hey, I've got to get going, there's demons to kill. Were you going to ask me about the Horadric Malus?"

"Oh, yeah! That's the one really valuable tool I have. I had to leave it when we all fled the monastery. If you could get it back for me, that would be wonderful. I'll use to imbue an item of your choice with magical powers."

"Thanks. I just wish it was a little more reliable."

"Yeah, I can't predict what it will do. But it'll be good!"

"Not in this patch, it won't. Anyhoo, see you soon!"

There were Blood Hawks in the Dark Wood, and exactly one Blood Hawk nest. They just kept pouring out of it like clowns out of a car, only smellier. After killing a unique Rogue archer (who had an Ocher Ring of Thawing, very nice for this level) they made it up into the Tamoe Highlands. Before Bodiccea had a chance to ask where the name "Tamoe" came from, they found another one of those eternally-burning houses and were soon chasing Carvers and Devilkin all over the place. As usual, the little fartknockers liked fleeing towards other monsters, like Thorn Beasts and Dark Stalkers. Many of the rogues were corrupt enough to have horns... making them horny naked demon babes. Bodiccea gritted her teeth, reminded herself that it still wasn't as bad as in a lot of other games, and fought on.

In addition to stuff under rocks, there were a lot of chests out on the highlands. Maybe it was supposed to be luggage dropped while fleeing the monastery. One of them had Diggler's Dirk inside, prompting Bodiccea to wonder out loud why some nice Rogue archer would keep THAT in her nightstand. Much giggling ensued. Heather said she thought she knew who used to have it. Then, there was a corral -- and no sign cattle had ever been there. It had to be for the Bovine invasion force, but Bodiccea didn't tell Heather. That much of the awful truth would have to wait.

Bodiccea nearly broke her spear on a fire enchanted Returned boss, and again on a cold enchanted Dark Lancer. Of course, the Lancer had a huge pack of minions and a bunch of other Rogues with her, and Bodiccea had to kill the boss last for Heather's sake. Once the area was clear, they went down into the pit, and immediately ran into a lightning enchanted Stalker. Worse yet, she only had two minions, nothing to distract Heather from shooting at her. After a very short battle, Bodiccea fled back to the highlands, and give Heather a short lecture about the joys of lightning enchanted beasties and what the Impale skill is for. Much enlightened, they went back and killed her without further mishap.

The rest of the Pit was pretty boring. There were horny Dark Archers, an extra fast Bone Warrior, and on the second level, enough Carvers to make Bodiccea want to throw up. She couldn't wait to get out of Act I and fight some different monsters for a change. There wasn't even anything good in the Golden Chest of Joy. Phooey.

The monastery was a big building, done up in a "starburst and nude lady" motif. Bodiccea had two goals in mind: the waypoint in the middle of the garden, and getting to level 17 so she could use Bloodthief. It's no Lycander's, but combined with Sigon's stuff, she'd have 22% life leech, which is just godly in Act I. It might even keep up with a lightning enchanted boss' charged bolts.

Right inside the monastery door, there was a unique Carver Shaman with a big horde of minions. That much fire hurts; Bodiccea had to drink a potion and toss one to Heather. The waypoint was in the central area of the gardens, along with Razor Spines and more exploding barrels than you could shake a stick at. Of course, Bodiccea had to poke her nose into each and every one of them, knowing all the time that this would be a really embarrassing way to die. She also discovered that Yeti know how to open doors. How civilized.

A fountain in gleaming white marble graced the center of the gardens, with three heroically sized Rogues back to back in martial poses, forever defending the clear water bubbling up from under their feet. "That's a pretty fountain," Bodiccea said.

"Oh, yeah!" Heather said. "Those are the founders of the order."

Bodiccea smirked. "Good thing you told me. I might have thought it was a monument to Sanctuary's first wet T-shirt contest."

There was a long pause before Heather turned to stare at Bodiccea. "You know... you're kind of weird."

"Nah, just uninhibited. Let's keep going, I'm really close."

Starting from the left, they cleared out the gardens. The entrance to the barracks was in the leftmost wing this time, and after killing a multishot Bone Archer, Bodiccea hit level 17 and went back to the Rogue camp. New presents were waiting by her stash: Bloodthief, some two-socketed Studded Leather, a Tal rune and an Eth rune, an Ember Brandistock of the Leech with two sockets, and two Rusty jewels, with a note:

"Congratulations! That there Brandistock has some history behind it, I'll have you know: it's the first item I ever carried. The jewels are junk, but so's the spear except for the fire damage. Might be good on ghosts. When you've made Stealth and gotten your groove-thang together, get your heiney back here. We're all waiting for you!

-- The Mule"

"Hey, we've been invited out."

"Is that normal?" Heather asked.

"Nuh-uh. Hey... you don't think this has anything to do with Gheed, do you?"

"I don't know... I mean, he doesn't know, does he? He can't know."

"Not unless he's smoked even more narlant weed than I thought." Bodiccea grinned. "This could get kind of wild."

"I thought you liked wild."

"Yeah. Let's go see what's going on."

Chapter 9

The place Bodiccea and Heather arrived this time was new, and at the same time strangely familiar. In appearance, it was an utterly typical roadside inn and tavern. The crackling fire and the smell of beer and hot shepherd's pie were instantly familiar, but it went beyond mere recognition of a place like hundreds of others throughout Sanctuary. Outside the door was a sign showing a rising sun. Next to it, a meek and humble-looking man stood as if waiting for customers. Inside, the floor had been cleared except for a table at the far end of the room, two tables facing it in the middle of the room, and a dozen chairs set up in two rows, looking over the space between the tables.

All kinds of people were crowded into the hall. A handsome, regal young man dressed like a sultan was seated in a place of honor at a table at the head of the room. A blob of a man dressed like a genie stood wavering next to him. At one of the other tables, Thaddeus was sitting next to Gheed, who looked very proud of himself. At the other was Amanita, with an empty chair. The twelve chairs were full of people, with Varnae at the corner nearest the sultan. Several other people were sitting and lounging by the other side of the room, drinking beer, smoking, looking smug, or more than one of the above.

"Hi," Bodiccea said. "What's up?"

"You're up," Gheed grinned, malice slathered across his face. "It's our court date. You didn't think I could set this up, did you?"

"Well, phooey! I wanted trial by combat."

Gheed grinned even wider. "We can do it that way. Of course, I get to declare one of those present my champion, if I want..."

Bodiccea glanced around, realized that more than one of the NPC's could probably kick her ass at this point, and sat down by Amanita. "Hi. Guess you're council for the defense."

"Somebody had to do it," Amanita said, never taking her feet off the table. "At least I didn't get stuck sitting next to Gheed."

"Eh, Pallys love to play martyr. Ooh, who's the judge?"

"Lord Jerhyn. He's the only one with legal experience, so he gets to be judge."

"Ooh, he's cuuute... and he's a lord, too?" Bodiccea adjusted her armor, fluffed up her cleavage, and batted her eyelashes when Jerhyn's gaze fell over the defense table.

Amanita raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Whatever. Keep doing that, maybe you can get a mistrial. You're sure not going to win on your case."

Dear Diary,

Jury duty. Could any other pair of words carry such profound connotations of tedium and idiocy? Well, perhaps 'physical exertion' or 'religious epiphany' better qualify. Regardless, our young Lordling has shown wisdom beyond his tender years by elevating me to the position of jury foreman. I realize this means he has placed the burden of responsibility for this witless assemblage's decisions squarely on my shoulders, but I cannot dispute his reasoning. I shall punish him later. The rest of the jury is as follows:

To my right: Alkor the alchemist. It assures me to know that his calm, objective, diplomatic approach to human relations will be put to use in this important matter.

To his right: Lysander the alchemist. He and Alkor should get along well. One is deaf, and the other doesn't give a damn what anyone says.

To his right: Fara the paladin. Her light-hearted, easy-going personality should assure a fair and balanced approach to this sensitive case.

To her right: Asheara the sorceress. We duped her into coming by telling her Gheed would be the one on trial. I may be wrong, but they seem to have a history together.

To her right: Xanthippe the sorceress. I do believe she wants to do even worse things to Gheed than Asheara.

Behind me: Ormus the mage. In any legal matter, clarity of expression is very important, and I know we can all rely on Ormus for that.

To his right: Greiz the mercenary captain. Gheed should be pleased Greiz is serving. Anyone repeatedly thrashed by a woman will find a sympathetic ear in him.

To her right: Jamella the... whatever it is she does. A comely enough female, though a bit of a fashion disaster and unpleasantly taciturn. I'm not sure why she was approached for this.

To her right: Halbu the armorer. A package deal with Jamella. He appears to be advertising his wares by wearing all of them at once.

To his right: Atma the tavern keeper. There is nothing like a recent, tragic, blood-curdling loss to provide clarity of judgment.

To her right: Elzix the innkeeper. Well known for his respect for the boundaries of property, this is another fellow who should feel great sympathy for what Gheed has suffered.

There were other prospective jurors, of course. The wizard Drognan is politically connected with our judge, and can not legally serve. Captain Meshif has business dealings with the plaintiff, and the werebear Mizor suffers from a speech impediment. No one from Harrogath would participate in a trial that did not promise bloodshed. Additionally, it was decided that those from the Rogue camp might be biased against the plaintiff (by virtue of having met him) and could not be invited. Finally, our Barbarian was not told of this, in the forlorn hope that his absence might bring calmness and clarity to the proceedings.

Geglash, who was apparently bailiff, was standing right next to Jerhyn with a halberd. At a nod, he rapped the butt on the floor twice, and bellowed like a bullfrog, "All hear, all hear! This first... uh..." Bodiccea had caught his eye. He stared, wavering in place, as she smiled and primped and fluttered at Jerhyn.

"Session," Jerhyn said quietly.

"This sex, um is --"

"Session," Jerhyn said, a bit more forcefully.

"This sex um is in session! Of the court! This session of this court is in session!" He looked over his shoulder at Jerhyn plaintively.

With a sigh, Jerhyn stood. "This first session of this Civil Court of Sanctuary is hereby called to order. Members of the jury: you are hereby instructed to set aside all biases and opinions concerning both the plaintiff and the accused, and concern yourselves only with what is presented here before the court."

About half the jury burst out in laughter, and there was plenty from the watching audience too. Gheed glared around the room, and slapped Thaddeus on the shoulder. "Aren't you going to object or something?"

Thaddeus never looked up from his book. "I object to the defense, not the judge."

Amanita smirked. "And I object to you, too."

Jerhyn continued, "Here we decide the case of Gheed of Westmarch vs. Bodiccea of Amazonia, on charges of --"

"What?!" Asheara shouted.

"On charges of assault, kidnapping --"

"Did he say 'salt hill tapping'?" Lysander asked.

"Kidnapping," Fara said. "Though on what grounds I know not."

"That b!tch threw me to Andarial's monsters!" Gheed whined.

"I heard about that," Elzix grinned. "Grabbed him by the goodies and threw him right over the wall."

"Heh," Greiz guffawed. "Sounds like my kind of woman."

"Did she?" Asheara smiled. "I've heard about Amazons. Good to know it's all true."

Bodiccea waved at the jury. "Hi!" Then she went back to flirting with Jerhyn.

"You know," Amanita said in a low voice, "you're lucky little Xany can't see you from this angle."

"Oh, damn. Do you think we could move the table?"

Jerhyn sighed again. "Kidnapping, assault, and assault with intent to inflict grievous bodily harm."

"There's another kind?" Greiz asked.

"Hey, she can assault me any time," Elzix opined.

"And no doubt will," Alkor spoke up for the first time. "I want nothing of her! She reminds me too much of my happily departed wife."

Meanwhile, out in the audience, Hratli said to Khaleel, "Events are proceeding predictably. Tell me, why do you think I was excluded from the jury?"

Khaleel smirked. "'Cause pasty doesn't want anybody in there who's funnier than he is."

"Quite so. I am surprised to see Alkor participating at all. No doubt he is relishing the opportunity to sit in judgment of his fellow man."

Khaleel shook his head. "Jeez, if you think she's a man, you need your eyes checked..."

Hratli smiled. "Her fate is not in doubt. His is, though he does not realize it."

"Ah..."

Jerhyn sat down again, and Geglash rapped his halberd on the floor twice. "All may be seated."

"You never asked them to stand," Jerhyn corrected him.

"Oh, everybody stand up!" After a bit of milling about, most of those present stood. "Now sit down again. Uh... next, the persecution speaks."

Varnae guffawed. "That'll be you, old boy."

Thaddeus put down his book and stepped around the prosecution's table to the center of the floor. "For my first witness, I would like to call Bodiccea to the stand."

"Meee!" Bodiccea vaulted out from behind her table and bounced over to the chair next to Jerhyn's table. "Hi," she breathed huskily, leaning over so far her breasts threatened to pop right out of her armor. "I've heard you're rich. I find that fascinating."

A hiss of indrawn breath came from the far right end of the jury. Thaddeus cleared his throat, and asked, "Bodiccea: did you or did you not break into the plaintiff's wagon and administer to him a Mongolian Prostate Probe wedgie this last Tuesday?"

"I did!" She turned back to Jerhyn. "Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to say hi again?"

Trying to ignore what sounded like a volcano about to erupt among the jury, Thaddeus continued. "And did you or did you not, without provocation, administer a Sweet Nutbreaker wedgie to the plaintiff the day before?"

"That was me! You simply must know I adore a man in a beard. It makes you look so distinguished, so... in command!"

The room started to shake. Thaddeus stepped back to the prosecution table and got his helmet. "And did you or did you not employ a 7-10 Split wedgie on the plaintiff, followed by hoisting him up a pole in front of the entire Rogue camp?"

"Yeah, already! Excuse me, I have some very important seducing to do."

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!!!" Xanthippe screeched and jumped to her feet, casting a spell. Suddenly, the witness chair burst into flames.

"AieEEP!" Bodiccea jumped out of the chair. Then, after a moment's thought, she jumped on Jerhyn's table, her rear upwards. "My Lord Jerhyn! I've got a burn in a terribly intimate place! Could you please help me apply the ointment?"

"You're completely shameless, aren't you?" Thaddeus asked.

"Hey, it's not like any of this matters," Bodiccea laughed, before Xanthippe jumped her and they both tumbled off the table into the audience.

Thaddeus sighed, and went back to his table. "Your witness."

Amanita stared at Thaddeus. "How the hell do you know so much about wedgies?"

"I went to seminary, remember?"

After putting out her cigar, Amanita stepped to the center of the room. Xanthippe and Bodiccea were wrestling and rolling under the tables, sending chairs and NPC's flying. "No hair pulling! Fight like you mean it!"

"You don't have to get jealous just 'cause your boyfriend thinks I'm hot!"

"HE DOES NOT!! He doesn't go for peroxide-soaked, over-inflated SLUTS!!"

"I am NOT a slut! I'm just way more popular than you!"

Amanita considered her options, and said, "All right. Gheed, get on the witness stand."

Gheed crossed his arms. "Not until someone puts OUT the witness stand!"

"Oh, that's just the Enchant spell. It'll go out in a few minutes."

Among the jurors, Elzix had started a betting pool, with odds set at 2:1 in Xanthippe's favor. "I think I'll take you up on that," Lysander said, putting 10 gold in.

"No way," Asheara said, betting on Bodiccea. "Amazons are warriors. No melee sorceress has enough staying power."

"Don't you find this a little crass?" Fara asked.

"Yeah," Greiz smiled.

Atma frowned, and moved over to speak with Fara. "Lady Fara, I have a family to mourn and a tavern to run. I have no time for this foolishness. There must be some way to put an end to this."

Halbu leaned forward. "What do you need?"

"Something to put out that sorcerous fire."

"Or something to render it irrelevant." Fara quietly bowed her head, and a warm red aura appeared under her feet. Soon, everyone was surrounded by the same friendly glow.

"Hail to you, champion," Jamella said with a smile.

After persuading Gheed into the witness chair, Amanita started her interrogation. "Let's make this quick. Did you or did you not knowingly make an ass of yourself last Tuesday?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Gheed demanded. "I deny that completely!"

"Let it be known that the defendant is lying."

"The plaintiff," Thaddeus corrected her.

"Whatever. The complainer makes an ass of himself every day of the week and twice on Saturdays, so he's lying under oath."

"Perjury," Thaddeus said, not looking up from his book.

"Per jury or all of them together, he's a dirty rotten liar."

"I am not lying! And I'm not under oath! That lummox forgot to swear me in!"

Jerhyn looked at Geglash. "Bailiff, swear the plaintiff."

"Unnh? Oh, yes sir." Geglash turned to face Gheed. "Screw you and the horse you rode in on, mister."

Amanita made a face. "That sucked."

Geglash shrugged. "I'm sorry, I'm not as good at it as you."

Gheed glared over at Thaddeus. "Shouldn't you be objecting to some of this?!"

"Oh, no. I object to all of it."

"You should have objected when she put me in a headlock and forced me into this chair!"

Thaddeus shook his head, still reading. "Actually, I didn't object to that at all."

Suddenly, there was a metallic KLONG from the audience section, followed by a CRACK like metal on bone. Mizor shuffled onto the floor, hefting his maul. Quietly, he deposited an unconscious Bodiccea in her chair at the defense table, and a reeling Xanthippe in her seat in the jury section.

"Ah, that's a shame," Lysander said. "But this just goes to show you: it's always the quiet, unassuming ones you have to watch out for."

Elzix tsked. "Well, you know what that means: the betting pool's closed."

"So give us our money back!"

Elzix threw his hands up in the air and shook his head. "Sorry, folks! The bet was which one of 'em would win! It looks like both of them lost, so there's no payouts today!"

Greiz's face darkened. "You do want to keep the body parts you have left, don't you?"

"And besides," Lysander said, quickly hobbling over to Xanthippe, "our dear little girl here is much closer to being conscious than the other one! Aren't you, my precious?"

Xanthippe was grinning. "And the lights went out all over the world..." She fell on her face with a loud thud.

After a short pause to restore order and a wakeful state to all participants, the trial resumed. Jerhyn turned to the prosecution table. "You may make your final statement."

Thaddeus nodded, and turned to address the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen, the defendant freely admits to everything she was accused of, has shown no remorse, and will doubtless resume her activities the first opportunity she has. There is no doubt that she is guilty, and a danger to this man's... to this man. Thank you."

Jerhyn nodded, and turned to Amanita. "And for the defense?"

Amanita stood up. "Why lie? She's guilty. She looks guilty. She smells guilty. Throw the book at her and let's get this over with."

Bodiccea sneered as Amanita sat down. "I do not smell."

Amanita smirked. "Maybe it's from getting manhandled by the bear."

"Thank you both. Now, let the jury convene and reach a verdict."

Alkor looked at Varnae, who had dozed off, and smacked him on the back of the head. "Wake up, pasty man! It is time for you to pretend you know what is going on."

"Hmmh?" Varnae woke with a start and looked around. "Oh, is all the inane babbling over with, then? Excellent. Members of the jury: is there any doubt as to what the proper, legal outcome of this case should be?"

"No."

"Nope."

"Indisputably not."

"Nuh-uh."

"Very well." Varnae stood up, and addressed Jerhyn. "We, the members of the jury, find the defendant... very charming."

"Aw," Bodiccea grinned.

"And guilty as sin."

Gheed's face erupted in a broad smile. "Very well," Jerhyn said. "I shall pass sentence. Bodiccea of Amazonia, you are hereby ordered by this court to pay to Gheed of Westmarch a fine of one (1) piece of gold --"

"WHAT!?" Gheed screamed.

"... and to administer to Gheed no less than one (1) Twirling Death wedgie before leaving this courtroom. Case closed."

"WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE!!! YOU CA-AAAAHHHH!!!!"

"Round and round and round he goes!" Bodiccea said, spinning Gheed around the room by his undergarments.

Amanita re-lit her cigar. "Well, that was fun. Anyone for chinese?"

Suddenly, the door fell in with a crash, and Tearlach stepped into the room, the meek man from outside stuffed into his armpit. "Damn!! Why didn't you idiots tell me we were finally going to meet in a tavern!?! LINE 'EM UP, BARKEEP!!"

"Aw, I knew this was going too good to last." Bodiccea released Gheed, sending him crashing through the tavern's back window. "C'mon, Heather. Our job here is done."

Heather followed Bodiccea out of the tavern. "Now we go back to the monastery?"

"After we get some sleep. I'm bushed."

"Yeah. Court cases are such a trial."

Bodiccea blinked, and looked at Heather. "Did you just make a pun?"

Heather shrugged, then grinned. "Yeah!"

"Well... try to make a better one next time."

"Ok!"

Chapter 10

Back at the Rogue camp, Bodiccea got her new stuff together. "Ok... runes in the armor, that's Tal-Eth... jewels in the burning Brandistock. It's level 18, I'll have to wait. Until then, Bloodthief!" Bodiccea brandished the spear. "That's 22% life leech! Life is good."

"Did I get anything?" Heather asked.

"Sorry, babe, not this time. Maybe the Mule's waiting until you're higher level. The low level unique bows are kinda crappy."

"Huh. That spear's called Bloodthief?"

"Uh-huh. Nice damage, good speed, lots o' leech. There's even a strength bonus."

"Why is it white? Shouldn't it be red or something?"

Bodiccea looked at Bloodthief again. "Huh. Yeah, other life leeching things are red. Mana leeching things are blue."

"Maybe it's because it's vampiric or something."

"That's it!" Bodiccea grinned. "Look at me! I've gone goth."

Heather laughed a little. "No, you haven't."

"Sure I have! I have pale skin, and I whine and moan about everything all the time."

"But you're not wearing black. You're wearing silver and red."

"Hey, if Necro-boy can pull it off, so can I."

Still looking dubious, Heather said, "You're also blonde. Goths aren't blonde."

"Necro-boy has light-colored hair."

"Um... I think he dyes it."

Bodiccea laughed. "You think?"

"I don't think it's natural."

"I don't think anything about him is natural. Besides, goths are supposed to be skinny. I'm never gonna be skinny in a million years."

After a short, diplomatic silence, Heather smiled and said, "So, are we heading back to the cloisters? Andarial must have restocked them by now." "Yeah, they're full again. But we'll have another chance to see that fountain. It's pretty."

"Uh-huh."

The fountain was still pretty, and the cloisters were full. For reasons known only to herself, Bodiccea had to kick in each and every one of the exploding barrels. Call it a compulsion, but she did get one halfway decent drop. On the way to the barracks, she managed to dodge a Razor Spine quill: the dodge animation played and everything. Her old teachers told her she was way too big to pull off acrobatics, so doing it anyway was very cool.

Inside the barracks, they met Devilkin, Death Clan goats, and Bone Archers. Even with the frequent stops to kill things, Heather started getting left behind, and had to run to catch up more than once. Even so, the biggest danger was getting lost. The barracks twisted and turned like a randomly generated dungeon, and the only thing that worked out in Bodiccea's benefit was a Combat shrine she found just before mixing it up with two unique packs, one Goats and one Shamans. The named goat dropped a Ring of the Leech, giving Bodiccea 25% life leech. Life is grand.

Back in camp, Charsi looked over a crystal sword Bodiccea brought back. "I know we're supposed to use bows, but I love these swords. They're so pretty!"

"Crystal swords are sparkly and nice, I wish they made spears like that," Bodiccea said as she examined another find, an Amulet of the Fox.

"Yeah, kind of... but spears need fixing so much already..."

"Oh yeah," Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "I kind of forgot about repairs. Crystal is pretty, but I don't need to be that high maintenance. Do you think I should wear this?"

"The amulet you've got now adds fire resistance, right?" Heather asked.

"Yeah, and we are running into a lot of shamans, so I need some of that. This only adds 7 life, it's not that good. But, the name..."

Charsi frowned in confusion. "Huh?"

Bodiccea pondered a bit longer, then put on the new amulet. "What the heck. Nothing around here does enough damage for me to need much resistance anyway."

"Um," Heather asked, "do you really think you'll need something hanging around your neck that says 'fox'?"

"Oh, I get it," Charsi grinned.

"Why not?" Bodiccea said. "Some guys have a hard time figuring it out."

"I don't think so," Heather muttered.

"No, no, maybe she's right." Charsi sighed, and a faraway look crept into her eyes. "A while ago, this amazing man came here, a Barbarian from the far north. I tried and tried, but I could never get him to notice me. Maybe I should have tried something like that."

"Uh... yeah." Bodiccea put her old amulet back on, and gave the Amulet of the Fox to Charsi. "Maybe you should wear this. It matches your eyes better than mine. Speaking of insensitive males, where's Gheed?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him."

"He's probably somewhere thinking of a way to get back at you," Heather suggested.

Bodiccea laughed. "As if. Don't worry, Charsi, someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. Back to work, Heather."

After enough wandering, Bodiccea had found the stairs to the jails, and pretty much nailed down where the Horadric Malus wasn't. There was only one door left... back at the other end of the barracks. Isn't that the way it always works out, she thought, and headed back, almost losing Heather twice more. Inside that last room, they found a few Devilkin, some goats, and his rotundity, the Smith.

"I will make weapons from your bones!" the Smith bellowed. "Slay them! A rush and a push, and the land is ours!"

Heather's breath hissed in at the sight of the onrushing horde, and she squeaked, "Panic!"

Gritting her teeth, Bodiccea said, "Handsome devil, isn't he?" She lowered her spear and ran to the front, so all the goats and Devilkin gathered around her.

"Death at one's elbow!" Heather shouted, putting an arrow in a Devilkin's side.

"This is going nowhere fast," Bodiccea said as a single Shaman raised the Devilkin. She retreated a few steps, then ran around the horde to the Shaman. "Please please please let me get what I want!"

"You just haven't earned it yet, baby!" the Smith growled, and bashed Bodiccea across the room. Heather ran into the middle of the melee to protect Bodiccea while she got up.

"Girl! Afraid?" Bodiccea asked.

"What difference does it make?"

"Cover me, I'm gonna get that Shaman!"

"But the goats are more dangerous!"

"When should we get them?"

Heather smiled. "How soon is now?"

"Barbarism begins at home!" Bodiccea concentrated on the goats, killing all but one, then ran around the crowd to the Shaman.

The Smith decided to go after Heather, having decided that she was the bonier of the two women. "Unhappy birthday!" he barked, knocking her into the wall.

Swearing, Bodiccea left the wounded Shaman and ran back to Heather. Standing between her and the Smith, she said, "Some girls are bigger than others."

"What she said..." Heather moaned from the floor.

The Smith leered, a drooling grin splitting his face nearly in two. "Well, I wonder..."

Heather's eyes widened. "I know it's over."

"Don't paint a vulgar picture." Bodiccea moved to the side, feinted at the Smith, then ran back to the Shaman and finally killed it. "Ha! There is a light that never goes out!"

Heather ran after her, and hid behind the Smith's forge. "Bigmouth strikes again!"

With a confident smirk, Bodiccea strode out to face the Smith and the few remaining Devilkin. "Stop me if you think you've heard this one before."

The Smith bellowed, "Put the girlfriend in a coma!" to the Devilkin. They looked up at him, their tiny knees trembling. One whined, "That joke isn't funny anymore."

"I started something you couldn't finish," Bodiccea said, and met the Smith in the middle of the room. After two blue potion's worth of frantic jabbing, he fell down dead. Heather killed the last Devilkin while Bodiccea got the Malus. "There. Let's get back to the old house."

"Great," Heather said. "You've got everything now."

"These things take time," Bodiccea nodded. "How you doing?"

Heather thought for a moment. "Weirdly post-punk, in an androgynous kind of way."

"Huh. Wonder where that came from."

Charsi was happy to have the Malus back, but Bodiccea had nothing to imbue just yet. Not that she thought she would anytime soon, or that the imbue would produce anything worth using, but there was a chance and no sense in wasting it. The jails looked exactly like the barracks, except for the addition of cages and torture devices. Most of the torture devices were freshly used, of course. Bodiccea considered asking Heather why the Rogues built so much prison space, or why they had all these instruments of pain and mangling, but she got distracted by a large block of exploding barrels. She still had to kick each and every one, no matter how much it hurt.

And it did hurt. The only monsters in the first level of the Jails were skeletons, Bone Mages and Bone Archers. What good was collecting together such an imponderable amount of life leech if none of the monsters were leechable? Okay, there was a batch of Champion Ghosts in the third secret chamber she found, and later a unique goat with mana burn, but that just meant she had to drink blue potions instead of red or purple.

"I hate skeletons!" Bodiccea snapped, kicking a still-chattering skull across a room.

Heather shrugged. "They don't have any life left to leech. Except for the red bit, they're nothing but bones."

"Red bit?"

Heather pointed at the floor. "The red organ thing that falls out when they die."

Bodiccea looked down. "Oh, gross! Kill 'em all now!"

"Isn't that what we're doing?"

"Yeah, but we need to do it more."

On the second level of the Jail, they were met by a unique Ghost with stone skin. While they were slowly poking it to pieces, Bodiccea and Heather had a lively debate over whether a stony ghost is ironic or just annoying. It was only halfway dead when they concluded it was both. The Rogues had Gargoyle traps here. Even they were less stony than that stupid ghost. There were goats on the level, though, which made up for it.

The misshapen boss Pitspawn Fouldog was in his usual place, a back corridor with two side rooms -- but this time, his room had bars, he and his minions lined right up by the bars, and Bodiccea had a weapon with enough reach to poke them to death in safety. Bodiccea almost didn't mind almost breaking her spear on his head. Killing him put her up to level 18, and he dropped a rare bow with acceptable damage and life leech. Life is blissful, and it got even better when she tried the jeweled Ember Brandistock of the Leech.

"Ok, let's try this sucker out."

"It's not vampiric, is it?"

"Only a little. Mostly it's fire damage. 'C'!" Bodiccea looked over to the left. "There's my damage with Bloodthief. And now with the -- whoa!"

Heather's eyes widened. "That's over 100 max damage!"

"That can't be right! No, wait... Jab reduces the physical damage a spear does, but this sucker does mostly fire. I guess that makes sense."

"Wow. What's my damage like?"

"'O'! Hey, not bad. But I officially rock."

"Do you think I could get a bow with lots of fire in it?"

"When you hit level 18. See? You're only 13 yet."

"I'd like some of that magic run-faster stuff you've got too..."

"And I'd like a pony. Or a boyfriend who pays enough attention to my needs."

After thinking for a moment, Heather asked, "How many boyfriends have you had?"

"Tons. Well, lots. Several. Ok, three. Two were total momma's boys, and the other thought his career was more important than me, so I dumped him."

"Oh."

"What?"

"Nothing, I don't know. Can we go back to the jails?"

Bodiccea frowned a bit. "Sure. I want to try this new spear out, see how it does."

"Ok."

"What?!"

"I just said ok."

The last level of the Jails was mostly skeletons, with just one pack of Champion Death Clan goats. For the most part, there was no leeching, but it hardly mattered. Almost everything died in one Jab sequence, sometimes on the first hit. Gargoyle traps melted like they were hardly there. Even a lightning enchanted Bone Mage presented no problems: she hit it with Impale and it took so much damage it never got the chance to make any sparks. Wild ideas about a six-socketed Brandistock with perfect gems, or elemental damage jewels, raced through Bodiccea's mind. Before she knew it, the level was clear. Heather spent more time running to catch up than she did fighting.

The Inner Cloister was empty. Bodiccea looted the body, hit the waypoint, and looked up at the imposing Cathedral. "What time is it?"

Panting, Heather said, "After midnight."

"Yeah, it's too late to go in. Let's get some sleep. You look bushed."

Heather managed a grin, and they went back to camp for the night.

Chapter 11

In the morning, Bodiccea and Heather met Cain to discuss their plans for the day. "Hi! Well, this is it: today, Andarial dies."

"You are both fantastically brave to be doing this!" Cain said. "All my years, I have lived a shut-in, scholarly life, and know nothing of the ways of arms. I hope my knowledge may aid you someday... you seem to have had little need for it thus far."

"Aw," Bodiccea bowed her head. "Could you please tell us what you know about Andarial?"

The faintest smile of hope flitted across Cain's face. "The demon Andarial is known to men as the Maiden of Anguish, and the queen of the Succubi. It is said that she is the one who takes the most joy in manipulating mortal souls, as the misshapen, twisted things who serve her bear witness. She is a poisonous creature, always accompanied by a choking mist of pure venom. However, she is not the most warlike of Hell's rulers, and surprisingly for one born in the infernal pit, she is not fond of fire."

Bodiccea grinned. "So we can't call her a flaming queen, huh? It's all cool, I've got a fiery weapon. Heather, shoot lots of fire arrows, 'k?"

"Ok."

"Many of the heroes who fought beneath Tristram reported encounters with Succubi, so many that I would be very surprised if Andarial has any remaining to escort her now. There were never very many, according to the old accounts."

"No Suckers. Check."

A puzzled frown deepening Cain's brow wrinkles. "That is a peculiar thing to call them. Most men use entirely different words for the Succubi. Then again, you are an Amazon, so perhaps I should not be surprised."

Laughing, Bodiccea cocked one eyebrow up. "Any woman who'd take the deal Succubi get is a sucker, in more ways than one."

"Hmm... I suppose that may be so. Most of the histories describe what the Maiden of Anguish does to men, not to the women who fall into her web."

"That's 'cause men wrote them. Anyhoo, it doesn't matter much. We're not men, so we don't care if she's got Succubi or not. We've got fire, we've got estrogen, we'll get some antidote potions... who could ask for anything more?"

"May the blessings of Heaven be upon you! Her minions may have fallen easily, but I fear the demon queen herself will not prove so easy to defeat..."

"Don't worry, we'll be careful. C'mon Heather, let's get started."

As they walked to the waypoint, Heather asked, "Have you come up with a plan?"

"Plan?"

"For defeating Andarial."

"Oh," Bodiccea shrugged. "Nah. Never needed one before."

"But she's a demon queen! She wiped out everyone in our monastery! I don't think you should just run up to her and stick her with your spear."

"Her minions wiped out everyone in your monastery. While you were asleep, I might add. We're awake, we've got the gear, and we know what her weakness is." Heather still looked worried, so Bodiccea said, "Ok, how about this: we pull in some little malodorous troll from Battle.net and throw him in there in front of us. He'll see two gigantic breasts and run right in. Then we come in and stick her while she's busy peeling his skin off."

Frowning dubiously, Heather said. "I understand the part about the two gigantic breasts, but how do we get him to go for Andarial?"

"Oh, ha ha. Just aim him right. Male hormones will take care of the rest."

"But won't he recognize her, and know she'll kill him?"

Bodiccea started counting on her fingers. "One: your average b.netter has never seen Andarial. They spend their whole lives either in Hell Cows, running Meph and Baal, or PK'ing anybody actually trying to play the game. Two: even if he has seen her, he won't remember her 'cause male brains turn off the second they see boobs. Three: even if he remembers, he'll probably figure this is the only chance he'll ever get in his geeky little life to touch real live girl things and will go for her anyway."

Heather quirked an eyebrow. "Didn't you tell me most b.netters are afraid of strong girls? I don't know, but I think she qualifies."

"Huh. Yeah, that's true. Ok, plan B: run right up to her and stick her with my spear. You hang around in the back and try not to draw attention."

"Sure. Why mess with something that's always worked before?"

"Sure! Next stop, the Inner Cloister. Hey, wait!"

Heather rolled her eyes. "You noticed Gheed was there, didn't you?"

"Just saw him." Bodiccea rubbed her hands together. "He's not getting away this time!"

Bodiccea ran off, and as expected, a scream soon was heard throughout the camp. But this time, it wasn't Gheed. Two loud popping noises mingled with the scream, and Bodiccea darted back through the camp, wailing with soul-scarred dismay and holding her hands over her bleeding eye sockets.

"Wow!" Heather said, stepping up beside Warriv. "What happened?"

"Something terrible. You might disagree, Gheed."

The fat merchant had stepped up beside them, chuckling with undisguised glee. "What makes you say that, Warriv? I knew she'd come straight for me the minute I showed my face. I think she's gotten no more than she deserved."

"What did you do to her?" Heather demanded.

Eyes wide and innocent, Gheed loudly said, "Nothing!"

Warriv smiled a bit, and chuckled. "I think I can guess... Heather, you know she always goes straight for his underwear?"

"Yeah... ?"

Gheed grinned, wider than ever. "So today, I just didn't wear any."

Heather's eyes went wide, and then she clenched them shut, shivering. Over in Akara's corner, they could hear Bodiccea sobbing, "It was horrible... like two pimply piles of chewed bubble gum squishing hairy and slimy into other..."

"Child, do shut up. I just had breakfast. Let me heal your eyes and allow you to continue your quest, hopefully a bit wiser for the horror you have faced."

After her sight was restored and some quick psychological counseling, Bodiccea felt ready to face Andarial. Two Black Rogue archers were waiting to meet them outside the cathedral doors. They fried up nicely. Afterwards, Bodiccea kicked the doors open and they strode in. For the first time in memory, there wasn't a single Dark One in there. In fact, there were hardly any monsters at all, just a few Misshapen and Bone Ash in his usual place by the main altar. There were plenty of sarcophagi, which kind of made up for it on the looting side. It's still kind of weird how mercs don't object to you looting their holiest of holies.

The Catacombs were dark and eerie, full of chests and caskets, and burbling blood in holes in the floor. Neither Heather nor Bodiccea could explain why, if there's that much blood in the floor, the lower levels weren't flooded. The first level of catacombs was full of Dark Ones and Rat Men, except for two Misshapen bosses, one lightning enchanted and one with multi-shot. The lightning enchanted one got Impaled to death. He never got a chance to spark either. Who needs lightning resistance?

Just like yesterday, Heather slowly but surely started getting left behind. If they fought their way down a long dead end and had to retrace, Bodiccea often completely lost sight of her and had to go back. Imagine her surprise one time, when she was about to go back and look for her, when Heather appeared around the next corner.

"Hi. Where you going?"

"ACK!" Bodiccea jumped. "How'd you get up there? Rogues can't teleport!"

Looking a little smug, Heather shrugged with feigned nonchalance. "Oh, I just ran around the short way. I've been down here before, you know."

Bodiccea smirked, eyes narrowing. "You popped out of the game and back in in front of me, didn't you?"

"Um, uh, yeah." Heather grinned sheepishly.

"Hmph!" Bodiccea snorted. "Sneak. See if I ever run back for you again."

The next level of catacombs was all Dark Ones, Arachs, and one Misshapen pack with a multi-shot boss. The spiders were a curious touch, there weren't any creatures like them in the rest of Act I. Otherwise, everything was just like all the previous levels of Catacombs and Jails: packs of Gargoyle traps, packs of champions, little nests of Shamans close enough to resurrect each others minions... ho hum.

"I wonder where the giant spiders come from," Heather said.

"Andarial likes 'em. She's kind of a black widow type."

"Maybe they're her children or something."

"I dunno. They always call her the 'Maiden' of Anguish, so I'm betting she's never done it."

"Oh, yeah. Huh. Then why is she in charge of the Succubi?"

After a few minutes pause to kill a pack of Dark Ones, Bodiccea continued, "I don't know about Succubutts. All I know is, there aren't any Incubi, which is just one more way the universe isn't fair."

Heather looked at her strangely. "You'd WANT Incubi around?"

"No." Bodiccea thought about it for a minute. "But they should at least have some here so we can look at them."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be so bad."

"I don't think it'd be bad at all... except we'd have to kill 'em."

They went on in silence for a while. As the last of a pack of spiders lay dying, Heather asked, "I wonder if Andarial even can do it. I mean, she's supposed to be so poisonous..."

Bodiccea laughed. "You mean, her hootchie is so impure anyone who tried anything would have his thingie shrivel up and fall off? Maybe."

"Maybe another demon lord could."

"Maybe, but it ain't gonna happen outside of some kinky piece of fanfic. Andy's in Act I, and stays here where there aren't any other demon lords."

"Uh, what's fanfic?"

Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Fan fiction. That's where some no-talent hack can't come up with anything on his own, so he takes somebody else's world and tries writing a story set in it. Basically, it's a total loser with no imagination trying to be a writer."

"Oh. Glad we don't know anyone like that."

"As if! You'd never catch me around somebody like that."

Deeper into the catacombs, Bodiccea and Heather finally started running into undead: hungry Ghouls, and The Banished, which were vampires. Funny, they didn't look like the exquisite, sensuous things Anne Rice described at all. The open-topped skulls were especially strange -- they had to levitate along very smoothly, keeping their heads as steady as possible so their brains wouldn't fall out. The Ghouls still didn't care about Bodiccea, but she found she could get their attention by waving a Banished brain at them. The only uniques were a mana burn Afflicted and a holy freeze Afflicted. Every boss in the Catacombs was either a Misshapen or an Afflicted... weird.

The outer chamber of level 4 was empty, except for the flaming pits and pools of blood. Why would Andarial put so much flame in her lair if she doesn't like fire? Whatever, the entrance hall was full of Dark Ones and Ghouls, just like usual. Bodiccea and Heather cleared it, looked at the pool full of dead naked people, and opened the doors to Andarial's throne room.

"Ok!" Bodiccea nodded. "Remember to use fire arrows."

"Check. You got some antidotes?"

"Check. Let's do it."

Off to the left, Bodiccea stopped to loot a couple of dead Rogues, ignoring the skins, torsos and other human body parts decorating the room. Back to the right, they killed the Dark Ones by the burning crates, and avoided getting burned. Then Bodiccea ran up the middle of the hall to Jab a Shaman to death. A bellow shook the hall: "FEAR ME!"

Andarial came stomping out just as the Shaman died. After stifling a giggle, Bodiccea backed up until she was in Heather's range, then turned around to face her in the middle of the hall. Her poison spray got them both once, but a red potion took care of Heather and Bodiccea was leeching so much she barely noticed. Two blue potions later, and Andarial disintegrated in a blast of flame. Bodiccea and Heather drank their antidotes, cleared out the rest of the throne room, and went back to camp.

"You did it," Kashya said when they walked up to the campfire. "We heard her scream from here. It must have been terrifying."

"Oh, yeah!" Bodiccea said. "That hair, the spidery legs, and most of all, the g-string. You don't want to know where these gems came from."

Kashya was still staring at her. "Perhaps I have... misjudged you, outlander. Your flippant words belie your serious intent."

"Nah, it's all right," Bodiccea grinned. "Hmm... you know, I've got an idea. Do you kick with your left foot or your right?"

Kashya blinked. "My left."

"Cool." Bodiccea handed her the left of Sigon's boots. "Put this on."

"What's this for?" Kashya asked, putting the boot on.

"You'll see." Bodiccea grabbed her hand, and pulled her back to a tavern, empty except for Bodiccea, a very confused Kashya, and Tearlach, snoring on a bench.

"Hey, big guy," Bodiccea shook his shoulder. "There's someone I want to see you."

As he blinked awake, Kashya's eyes widened. "I know that face..."

"Kashya!" Tearlach stood up, his eyes brimming over with lust. "You fiery hellcat! I knew you would come. I have decided the world is not worthy of me now, and I will not conquer it today. But soon! Tonight, there is only one conquest I want to make."

By now, Kashya's eyes were so wide Bodiccea thought they might pop right out of her skull. "I REMEMBER YOU..."

"Ha!" Tearlach laughed. "No lass ever forgets me. But this night, you are mine! Come and get what every red-blooded woman in the world wants!"

Trembling, teeth gritted, Kashya grabbed Tearlach by the shoulders and drove her iron-clad knee upwards, straight and true and harder than Chinese algebra. A bone-splintering crack raised the roof and shook the walls. Men for miles around collapsed in sympathetic agony. And Tearlach's scream made dogs howl and cover their ears in pain. When the earth stopped shaking and Tearlach's lungs were empty, he closed his mouth, opened it again, spat out two walnuts, and collapsed to the floor in a curled-up heap.

"Berserkers," Bodiccea shook her head. "Never even thought about defending himself."

Panting, Kashya staggered back against a table, a blissful smile on her face. "Oooh..."

Suddenly, Xanthippe and Amanita appeared out of nowhere. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, nothing," Bodiccea grinned. "Where are the guys?"

"Doubled over in pain," Amanita said. "Even deadboy. Wait... did you her in here and let her go at him?"

"Yep!"

"And you didn't invite us to watch?" Xanthippe's eyes widened in alarm. "You b!tch!"

"Sorry, didn't think of it. How you doing, Kashya?"

"I feel... cleansed."

"Need a cigarette?" Amanita asked.

"No, I'm cool. Wow. It's like there's light in the world for the first time. I can hear birds singing. They're so beautiful..."

A faint, very high-pitched groan squeaked up from the floor. Bodiccea snorted. "Oh, shut up. This is all softcore, you'll be fine after the next restart."

Kashya pointed out the window. "Look! A rainbow. Isn't it pretty?"

"Wow," Amanita smiled. "That sure took the pepper out of her."

"I'll say," Xanthippe nodded. "Wish she'd been this nice when I was around."

Bodiccea laughed, and gave Kashya a hug. "Yeah, violence can do that. Let's get you back where you belong. And I need my boot back too. I'm off to Lut Gholein!"

Concluding thoughts:

In previous stories, I finished Act I by chapter 7; this is chapter 11. Must be from trying to cram all the jokes I have left.
I still haven't decided if Bodiccea should keep Heather as a mercenary. They seem to be developing a rapport, and there's some untapped veins of humor there, but there's a lot of different jokes I could make with a male merc.
On the other hand, the humor here is obnoxious enough without Bodiccea having a male around all the time. Taking her natural tendencies any further may strain the boundaries of good taste and discretion unnecessarily.

Act 2

Chapter 12

The journey to Lut Gholein seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. Before they knew it, they were there, looking around a dry, dusty square just inside a city wall. The sky was a burning blue that looked like it hadn't seen a cloud in centuries. Dry winds hissed over the hot sand, sending beetles and scorpions scuttling for any kind of shelter, even as temporary as their shadows. Close by, the soothing whoosh of waves lapping gently at a nearby dock mingled softly with the soul-chilling groan thrumming under their feet.

"Oh, man," Bodiccea muttered, "I am gonna need a TON of moisturizer..."

"I'm more worried about the soul-chilling groaning," Heather said, biting her lip.

"That is a bit disturbing," Warriv nodded as he came around the wagon. "I suppose a great evil like Diablo wouldn't leave anyplace untouched by his taint. I'll be returning to the pass once I've picked up some supplies for the Rogues. If you're worried about that noise, and I think you should be, you should ask Lord Jerhyn about it."

"Greetings, honored travelers!" Lord Jerhyn said as he stepped around the wagon. "I am Jerhyn, Lord of --"

"Ooh!" Bodiccea quickly dusted herself off, shook out her hair, fluffed up her cleavage, and jumped down off the wagon. "Hi! Remember me? The girl your mother warned you about?"

"Ah, yes," Jerhyn sort of half-smiled. "No one could forget you."

"You'd better believe it, sweetie," she grinned. "Now, where were we?"

"I believe I was --"

"Oh, yeah! I was in the middle of seducing you when that little witch interrupted us."

Jerhyn frowned, looking like he was trying to remember. "You were?"

For a moment, Bodiccea's mouth hung open, then shut with a click. "Hell YES! You've GOT to have noticed! Jeebus, how blatant do I have to get?"

Behind her, Heather giggled. "Maybe he likes the little witch better."

"As if! Look, she saw him first, but I'll see him last. Now, Jehry-baby, has anyone ever told you how fantastic you'd look with a proud warrior queen by your side?"

"I have not considered marriage as yet. The future of my city is first in my mind, and while Lut Gholein is threatened, my own desires must come second."

Bodiccea cooed, "Oooh, your dewy brown eyes look so adorable when you get all earnest like that..."

"Did you hear anything he actually said?" Heather asked.

"He can say what he likes, just so he keeps looking at me with those dreamy eyes..."

Warriv loudly cleared his throat. "My Lord Jerhyn! Thank you for your kind welcome. May I ask, what is that soul-chilling groaning coming from your dockside there?"

"Yes," Jerhyn said, visibly relieved. "My city is plagued by an unnamable evil. I could not guarantee anyone's safety outside of these walls. The dead have risen from their tombs, and reports of demons skulking amidst the dunes have reached my ears. Even within the city, there is danger. At one point, an unspeakable monster was roaming these very streets at night, attacking anyone unlucky enough to meet it. My own guards were already so busy, I was forced to hire mercenaries; all they could do was drive the beast into the sewers. Its howling is what you hear now."

All this time, Bodiccea was leaning on her spear, hugging it close to her body like a pole she was about to slide down into a squat. "Jehry-babe, why are we standing out in the hot sun when we could be inside on some nice cool satin sheets?"

"I cannot invite you in. To the palace, I mean. Things are... a bit of a mess right now."

"Oh, yeah, that. Hmm. Poor Jerhy. I guess you want your city saved first, huh?"

"Fair amazon, you are impressiveness personified," Jerhyn said with a little bow, "but my city has need of strong arms and steely nerves to face the darkness."

Bodiccea tsked, and glanced at Heather with a grin. "Men. Nothing but bundles of mixed-up priorities and weird little moods. But what can you do? C'mon, Heather, let's give the place the once-over."

They made their way through the sun-baked streets up to Jerhyn's palace. Jerhyn was already inside, standing by the basement stairs with a worried look on his face. It only made him look cuter, but the two trained gorillas by the front door wouldn't let Bodiccea in. They weren't cute enough to flirt with, so they moved on. Elzix was standing outside his inn, and smiled as they approached.

"Whoa," Elzix said, looking almost comically awestruck. "I know milk does a body good, but damn, woman, how much did you drink?"

Smiling ingratiatingly, Bodiccea purred, "I guess you're not too interested in keeping the one eye you've got, are you?"

"Hey, I'm incredibly interested! Being blind right now would be the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"That's saying a lot," Bodiccea said, looking up and down at Elzix's many scars and missing body parts. "Hey, weren't you in the jury box that one time?"

"There was a box? Yeah, and man, was I impressed. I even bet on you to beat up the sorceress."

"I thought you were running the betting pool," Heather said.

"Nah, that was Greiz over there. I knew you'd win, babe. All you have to do is look at you to know that you are the hostess with the mostest!"

Bodiccea kept smiling, not believing a word of this but not quite willing to stop listening, either. "You know you don't have a chance in hell, don't you?"

Rubbing his chin with the stump where a hand used to be, Elzix smiled slyly. "Just cause I can't buy doesn't mean I won't look over the merchandise. Like I could stop, anyway."

"Aw, poor baby," Bodiccea grinned, and obligingly twirled around before rested her spear across her shoulders. The pose naturally pushed her chest out, which was undoubtedly the idea. "So, Frankenstein, what do you do around here?"

Elzix didn't answer for a minute. Finally, he looked up. "Huh? Do? Oh, yeah, I run this inn called The Desert Rain. You may not know it, but I used to be the most feared bandit in this desert. Yep, I was quite the scoundrel in my day."

"I think maybe you still are. Pirate of the sands, hmm? Did you plunder any booty?"

"All the time," Elzix grinned, gap-toothed. "Sometimes we'd go tomb raiding, so you know I know my way around in the dark."

"Ever find any golden chests of joy?"

"Nope! You're wearing red!"

Bodiccea snerked, utterly failing to suppress a giggle, then laughed out loud. "Ok, ok, you pass. I've gotta look over the rest of town, then kill the sewer guy. When I've got money to gamble, I'll be back."

"No problem, babe. You can take a chance with me anytime!"

As they walked away, Heather said, "You can't be serious."

"What?"

"That guy. He looks like Lurch after a fight with a lawnmower."

"Oh gawd, no," Bodiccea laughed. "With a tender slice of veal waiting for me in the palace, why would I go for ground chuck? But he knows how to flirt! And he enjoys it -- he'll flirt even when he knows he doesn't have a chance. You've gotta respect that. I mean, you'd be surprised how many guys don't know how to flirt."

As they went down the street, the two lightly clad women attracted many long looks. One of the longest was an open leer from an armed man standing by the city gates. "Hmm... you look like a healthy lass."

"Speaking of which..." Bodiccea rolled her eyes, and went over to him. "Excuse me, are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage."

"Yeah," Greiz grinned, and shifted from one foot to the other. "I remember you."

"So enlighten me. Where have I seen you before?"

"It was at that trial for some stupid merchant --"

"Oh, yeah. You were next to the hot chick with the chromed shoulder pads."

"Yeah! Yeah, um, she was pretty hot."

Bodiccea smiled, and slowly shook her head. "Wow. Not many guys know that nothing impresses a girl like telling her you think some other girl is hot. Hey, weren't you running the betting pool on me beating up Xanthippe?"

"Uh... no, that was Elzix. Bastard stiffed me out of 50 gold."

"Oh, poor baby. Anyway, I think you remember my name..."

"Oh, yeah. Bodiccea. Sounds like 'bodacious'."

Bodiccea slowly nodded. "Did your parents just call you 'hey, you' all the time?"

"Oh, uh, I'm Greiz, captain of the Desert Eagles. We're the best you'll find in this desert. Jerhyn hired us to man the walls. All his guards are in the palace for some reason."

"Do tell. Anyway, you're the one who has men for sale."

"Pretty much," Greiz grinned. "You interested?"

After a moment's thought, Bodiccea shook her head and patted Heather's shoulder. "No, thanks, I've got a merc. Too much of a pain breaking in a new one."

"Oh. Ok. Are you two, like, an item or something?"

Heather blinked, eyes widening. Bodiccea's eyes narrowed. "Why, captain Greiz, whatever do you mean by that?"

"Uh... nothing, I guess."

"Good. Nice meeting you, by the way."

"Oh. My. GAWD!" Bodiccea whispered as they walked away. "Could you buh-LEEVE that?"

"I'm still trying to figure out why you think that one guy could flirt."

"He could make me laugh! As opposed to 'um, uh, um, uh, r u 2 lezbos?' over there."

"He wasn't that bad."

"Close enough. Hey, how come you know who Lurch is?"

Heather grinned a little. "I was cruising the web a little. I can't stand just sitting around during down-time."

"I resent that," Bodiccea grinned. "That's when I do my hair."

"Yeah, ok," Heather laughed. "Anyway, I don't see that much difference between those guys. They're both leches, one just knows how to talk better."

"Heather, Heather, Heather. There's nothing wrong with a guy being a lech, as long as he respects you. Frankenstein knows if he tries anything, I'll hack off another body part, and he's running out of spares, so all he'll do is look."

"That's fear, not respect."

"Works for me."

Heather frowned a little, and was silent. After a bit, she said. "I'm kind of surprised you didn't hire a new merc."

"I didn't wanna deal with that guy." Then Bodiccea grinned. "Besides: girls rule! The mercs here probably all act like him. I mean, he is their boss."

"Uh, sure," Heather let the matter drop. "But if I am staying around, I'm gonna need to gain a few levels."

"Oh, yeah. You're only, what, 14th level now?"

"I'm 13th, and you're 19th. I read on this web site that mercenaries get more experience for monsters they kill themselves, but you go so fast I'm having a hard time."

"Oh, sorry. How about we skip Drognan and go straight to Atma?"

"She's the one who gives you the Radamant quest, right?"

Bodiccea raised an eyebrow. "Wow, you have looked a lot of stuff up."

"I guess. It was a pretty good web site. Does Drognan tell you anything important?"

"Not until the sun goes out. Until then, he's pretty boring. Just a bunch of 'I'm older than I look, but I can still make a few sparks' stuff."

Heather smirked. "Is that supposed to be flirting too?"

"Nah, he only says that to the Sorceress."

"Yeah, and... ?"

Bodiccea laughed. "Aw, c'mon! Who'd flirt with a Sorceress? Let's go to the tavern."

Atma's tavern was full of mercenaries, locals, and a few traders who looked like they'd been in there long enough to be considered local. Atma greeted them at the door.

"I don't expect this of you, but if you would help me, I would be grateful."

"Hi there. Not a problem, I'll kill that big nasty sewer monster for you."

While they were talking, Heather heard a "Psst! Heather!" from inside the tavern. She looked through the window, and Paige was there, motioning her over to a table.

Paige: "Hi, Heather! Come on over."

"Hey," Kasim said. "Have a beer."

"What are all you guys doing here?"

"Atma's tavern is the merc hangout. Where should we be?"

"It's not like we have much to do right now," Khaleel sighed.

"Say, weren't you going through www.hotchicks.com the other day?" Kasim asked.

"Shaddup."

Paige: (Sits at the other end of the table from Khaleel.) "So, how's the boss working out?"

Heather frowned. "Um... I really don't like her."

Klatu laughed. "Like we haven't heard that before."

"Yeah," Kasim smirked. "Just cry us a river."

"Hey, be cool," Khaleel said. "So... what's the problem?"

"Well... she's vain, and self-centered, and totally selfish, and she thinks everything is about her."

Klatu snorted. "And how is that different from my boss?"

"Or mine." Kasim murmured.

Paige: "Guys!"

"No!" Heather said, becoming visibly irritated. "It's not like that! I mean, it's like she can't stand it unless all the attention is on her! Like here, there's this one really ugly scarred-up guy by the inn, you know?"

Paige: "Oh, yeah, Elzix." (in a sarcastic tone) "He's a real smoothie."

"He was just standing there telling her these totally outrageous things, and calling her 'babe' and things, and she was just standing there drinking it up! Like, once, she told me she had some boyfriends, but she left them? The first thing I thought was, 'Did you leave them, or did they leave you 'cause you were demanding too much attention?' I mean, it was so obvious! Everything she said about them was that they were paying attention to something besides her, and I know she so just could not take that! And this other time..."

While she went on, Khaleel ordered another round for the table. Kasim started to nod off until Khaleel shook him. "Hey, wake up."

Waking with a snort, Kasim looked around, then whispered, "Is she done whining yet?"

"Nah. Look, just pretend to be interested."

Kasim looked up at him. "What, you think we have a chance with her?"

Khaleel shrugged. "You never know. The odds are better if there's two girls at the merc's table instead of just one, know what I mean?"

"Gotcha."

"... and she was calling her breasts 'Man-catchers'! I mean, who names their breasts? That is so... I mean, they're just part of a woman's body! Why do guys go so ga-ga over breasts anyway? That is so weird!"

Paige: (smirks) "I think 'ga-ga' sums it up pretty well."

"That is a sound a baby makes," Klatu said.

Paige: (smirks some more) "Heather, it sounds like you've had a pretty rough time."

"Yeah, pretty bad," Khaleel smiled. "But, you know, I think you may be stronger than her."

There was a loud guffaw from Kasim, before he started coughing. Khaleel slapped him hard on the back. "Don't drink so fast, man. Anyway, Heather, you shouldn't let the fact that your boss is obnoxious get you down. Do that, and she'll win."

"Huh?" Heather said.

"I think what he means," Kasim said, "is that you need some kind of support group. You know, shoulders to cry on, like that."

Paige: "Hey, that's as nice idea."

"Yeah, a support group!" Khaleel smiled. "We'll be happy to help you out."

"Um, thank you," Heather smiled.

"I wish I had a support group," Klatu muttered into his beer. Paige: "Barbarians have support groups?"

"Of course. No man can make every kill alone."

The table went dead quiet for a moment. Finally, Kasim cleared his throat and said, "Hey, nice weather we're having, huh?"

"Yeah," Khaleel smiled. "Beautiful." Paige: "Oops! Here she comes!"

The four of them dove under the table, leaving Heather blinking on confusion, as Bodiccea walked in. "There you are! Listen, I got the quest, talked with Fara, Cain and Lysander, and the Mule left some jewelry in my stash. My resists are good; no way was I taking on Ancient Kaa with only 12% lightning resistance."

"Um... ok."

"Nothing for you yet, sorry. Hey, you were saying you need some more levels. How about we get to the sewers, and I don't kill anything. It's all skellies anyway, I hate skellies. You do all our business, except Radamant, I'll get him. Ok?"

"Sure."

"Great!" Bodiccea smiled. "Hey, who're all those butts sticking out from under the table?"

"Uh... they're drunk."

"Huh. Well, whatever. Let's hit the sewers."

"Are we going to be there a long time?"

"Probably, there's three levels. At least we'll be out of the sun for a while."

Heather nodded. "Yeah. You're starting to turn kind of red."

"So are you." Bodiccea grinned. "Think we should hire somebody to carry parasols?"

"Nah. That joke's been done."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Bodiccea laughed. "To the sewers!"

Chapter 13

Lut Gholein's sewers are infamous. They go very deep and extend out a long way, far under the bay and out beyond where the city walls should be. Rain comes infrequently, so the wastes tend to stay where they are until the annual rains wash everything out. One good side effect is that there is little of the mold and mildew that makes other sewers unhealthy places, but the air is still foul and rank. Vermin of all kinds find a safe, cool home down there, even in the good times; in bad times, you can find much worse things than rats. There are two easily accessible entrances: a maintenance hatch in the upper city near the gates, and the main exit above the bay.

"Okay," Bodiccea said, wrinkling her nose. "There's three levels. Radamant the evil sewer mummy is on the deepest one, like always. We go through each level, clearing everything, and don't go down to the next until we're sure it's empty."

"Like usual," Heather nodded.

"Yeah. Now, Radamant is a big mummy, and they resurrect any undead they can see. He comes with a whole bunch of skellie mages and other guys, so when we figure out where he is, start luring followers away and killing them out of his sight."

"Just like with Shamans."

"Yep! The monsters are mostly fire skeletons, but there's always some others. Ok?"

"Sounds like usual," Heather smiled. "Um, what about... what we talked about?"

"Huh? When was this?"

"Just a few minutes ago. Since I'm kind of having a hard time getting any experience, I was wondering if, maybe, you could, um..."

"Oh, yeah, slow down a little. How about this: I stand in front of you and draw all the fire. You plink away, I don't hit anything. Leave the potions for me. Except Radamant: we have to kill him fast so he doesn't raise too many skellies. Ok?"

"All right."

Not far from the entrance, they found Burning Dead archers, the first of many, no doubt. As agreed, Bodiccea moved out in front and stood there while Heather killed them. Her fire resistance was good, so the arrows didn't hurt much; a light healing cured all the burns. The next fight wasn't so good -- they didn't drop any healing potions, and Bodiccea was starting to get bored.

"Could you, like, speed it up a little? It's getting toasty up here."

"Sorry, I'm going as fast as I can!"

A Sand Raider approached. Bodiccea dodged another arrow, fidgeted in indecision, then ran up to the Raider and stabbed it with Bloodthief.

"Hey!" Heather said, running up. "You said you --"

"It's ok! I didn't kill it, I just wanted some hit points."

"Oh," Heather said, killing the Raider. "I guess it's ok if you do that."

Bodiccea grinned. "I can do that." Using Bloodthief, she went around the hall, Jabbing each skeleton and Raider once. A few died, but not many. Heather got most of them.

"Why are you using that spear?" she asked when it was done.

"Less damage, more leeching. How you doing on leveling?"

"Better, thanks. Think we can clear the level like this?"

"Sure."

Further on, they found some Dried Corpses, little mummies Bodiccea could leech from. She had to chide Heather for going through a corpse-gas cloud more than once.

"Heather, you gotta stop doing that. That stuff is murder on your lungs."

"Yeah, I know, I just keep walking into them."

"You walked all the way across the room to walk into that one!"

"I know... I couldn't help it. It was like some kind of compulsion."

"Look, if you like stinky smells, try sniffing one of those grates in floor. There's enough poo gas down there for anybody."

Heather laughed a little. "Sorry."

Because there were so many undead, Bodiccea put a couple of Eld runes in a long bow and gave that to Heather. The clear went a lot more quickly after that. The second level was even better for undead -- almost all Burning Dead and Burning Dead archers, with enough Sand Raiders to provide leeching. The sewer waypoint was near the stairs... convenient, if illogical. They found several charms of greed (man, are they common) and a suit of cheap chainmail.

"What are you going to do with that?" Heather asked.

"Sell it. Even crappy armor is worth money."

"I was wondering if you might have a bikini made out of it."

"Heather! I can NOT believe you'd think I'd do that. No, wait, I can see why you'd think that. Maybe..." Bodiccea paused for a moment, considering. "It is hot out..."

"I was kidding," Heather said, starting to look alarmed.

"Ok, ok," Bodiccea laughed. "It's too stereotypical anyway. Say, how do you think they justify all these Sand Raiders being down here, anyway? If Greiz's mercs are guarding the walls, how'd all these guys get in here?"

"Um... maybe they snuck in while Radamant was roaming the streets at night?"

Bodiccea laughed. "Makes as much sense as anything else."

"Like having three levels of sewers under a city in the desert?"

"Sure! Why not put a waypoint down there too? Horadrim mages love sewers."

By the time they got to the third level, Heather was 15th level, and Bodiccea 20th. Bodiccea started doing more of her own killing now. There were plenty of Burning Dead archers and Sand Raiders, but also Huntresses. Kitty girls, and bare-breasted too. "Tell me Bliz doesn't know its audience," Bodiccea thought. One Huntress was lightning enchanted, but Bodiccea Impaled her with Bloodthief and actually healed from it.

They found all kinds of strange equipment in the sewers: crystal swords, spiked shields, and some interesting light armors, but nothing either of them could really use. Heather was still getting most of the kills, and was learning to ignore her strange obsession with corpse gas. Up at Fara's, Bodiccea tried on some splint armor, and liked the look so much she immediately went out to check on the strength requirements for russet armor. Not out of reach... and the mule had a suit with three sockets. If only they had the runes for Lionheart...

Soon after finding a Shimmering Grand Charm of Inertia (wow, something vaguely useful) they found Radamant, wandering around in the least accessible corner of the level. Bodiccea switched to the fiery spear and ran right in.

"I thought we were going to lure the minions away," Heather said as she ran in after her.

"I got bored," Bodiccea replied, found Radamant, and backed him into a corner, jabbing her little heart out. Heather sighed and went to work on the dozen or so mages blasting away at them. Eventually, Radamant collapsed like a sack of wet groceries. Bodiccea checked the room for loot while Heather got the kills. "Here we go."

"What's that?"

"The real reason for doing the Radamant quest: the Book o' Skillz. How they justify giving Radamant a book that has useful info for anyone who happens to kill him, I don't know. Oh, and a Horadric scroll. Hmm... give this to the Cain in Lut Gholein. Why does it say that?"

Heather shrugged. "Because that's where he is right now?"

"I dunno. Weird. Anyhoo, that's it for the sewers. Let's see how you're doing. 'O'!"

"Not too bad," Heather said, looking over her stats. "I'm more than halfway to level 16."

"Cool, you might make 18th by the time we're done with the Stony Tomb. For sure you'll be up and going for the Halls of the Dead, that's where things start getting dangerous."

"What's in there?"

"Dozens of mummies like Radamant, and more lesser undead than you can shake a stick at. Let's go out in the morning, I'm tired of being a pincushion right now."

"Ok. Um, you want to keep doing this until I'm 18th level?"

"Well, sure," Bodiccea nodded. "I don't want to leave you behind, girl. Once we get you a nice gemmed bow, you'll be doing ok."

"Ok. What kind of gems do you think it'll have: fire, cold, or lightning?"

"Probably all three. Anyway, let's get out of here."

Back at Atma's tavern, Atma expressed her undying gratitude for Bodiccea's daring deeds. It wound up meaning discount rates from the local merchants, not free beer. "Damn. A beer would be good right now."

"So buy one," Heather said.

Bodiccea tsked, and shook her head. "Heather! I am a hot blonde babe in a bar. I should NOT have to pay for my own drinks! Sometimes, I think you don't understand anything at all. It's like you've been living in a monastery or something."

"Um, yeah." After looking around, Heather pointed out Geglash. "Maybe that guy will buy you a beer."

With a laugh, Bodiccea sat down on a bar stool, one leg crossed over the other. "How about it, sailor? Buy a girl a drink?"

"Huh?" Geglash looked around. "Are you talking to me? Lady, I'm no sailor! I don't even like to drink water!"

"See? Nobody even notices me," Bodiccea pouted theatrically. "I guess no one here is MAN enough to be interested in one deprived... restless... LONELY Amazon. Fine! I'll pay for my own drink, and go to bed. ALONE."

"There is one thing..." Atma said from behind the bar.

"My drinks are free?" Bodiccea grinned.

"No. I must ask you to put out your spear, it's about to set the ceiling on fire."

"Well, phoo. I suppose I shouldn't expect a party: there's only 5 people here, and most of them are already out of it. I'll just go to bed. 'Night, Heather."

As she left, the group collapsed on the tavern's long table looked up. "Heather!" Khaleel said. "C'mon over."

"Hi, guys," Heather smiled. "How's it going?"

Kasim shrugged. "Same old, same old."

Paige: "Things working out any better?"

"Um, kind of. We went through the sewers. For most of it, she was actually pretty cool. I thought she wouldn't let me kill anything 'cause she wouldn't want to give up the spotlight, but she just stood there and took all those arrows for me."

"Weird," Kasim said. "My boss always made me tank."

"She surrendered glory to you," Kasim shrugged. "She must hold you in some esteem."

"Well, she did ignore our plan and take down Radamant by herself."

Kasim chuckled. "Nice little drama queen act here in the bar, too."

Paige: (rolls eyes) "You noticed that, huh?"

"Hard not to," Khaleel said. "But everything about her is hard not to notice. So, tomorrow it's out to the Rocky Wastes. Got any plans?"

"Yeah. She's going to keep letting me make kills until I'm 18th level."

Paige: "Oh, good. I think I see a 6-socket bow with perfect gems in your future."

"Yeah! Is that good?"

Khaleel smiled. "I'm not much for weapons, but with one of those, you sure won't have to worry about falling behind. Most likely, you'll have a new problem with her."

"Like what?"

Khaleel grinned. "Jealousy."

"Oh," Heather nodded. "Really?"

Paige: "I think so too."

Slowly, Heather started to smile. "Ok, I'll want to see that."

Chapter 14

In the morning, Elzix knocked on Bodiccea's door. "Wakey, wakey!"

"Mmm... ?"

"It's your wake-up call, Ms. Bodiccea."

"Oh. Oog. Don't come in, I'm naked."

"What was that? I can't hear you, let me open the door so I can hear better."

"Don't you dare!" Bodiccea slammed her foot into the door, an easy reach from her bed in the small room.

The door, which had never moved, thudded in its frame. "Damn!" Elzix stage-whispered, snapping his fingers. "I gotta learn to open the door before I say that."

"Too slow," she laughed. "Poor baby."

"Yeah. Still, I can say I got to knock you up in the morning."

"Hey! Don't even think about it!"

"Aw, man. Can't I think about it just a little?"

"Oh, all right. Just don't make me start smacking you around."

"Ooh, baby..."

"Stop it! It's too early. Besides, I never fight people who look like you, you've got nothing left to lose."

"Don't I know it. Listen, Lord Jerhyn wants to talk to you, and that old fart too."

"Which old fart?"

"The one with no hair."

"Oh, Cain. I forgot to give him the scroll. Fine." Yawning loudly, Bodiccea snuggled up to her pillow one last time, then pushed out of bed. "Good concierge, bring me two bran muffins with butter, a glass of orange juice, and a bowl of melon slices."

"We don't have room service here. Or a kitchen."

"So? Bring me two bran muffins with butter, a glass of orange juice, and a bowl of melon slices, or I'll kick your ass."

Elzix laughed. "We reserve the right to refuse service to bitchy customers."

"That's Miss Bitch to you! Never mind, I'll get my own breakfast. Have you seen Heather?"

"That Rogue with you? Not since yesterday."

"Where's she wandered off to?" Bodiccea grumbled, and pulled her gear on before going out to look.

It took some looking, but she eventually found Heather sitting on a pyramid of tiles, looking up at a web page being displayed over her head.

"Hey, Heather. Whatcha doing?"

"I was just looking up perfect gem properties. Some of them are really nice."

Suddenly, the tiles and the web page switched positions. A pair of tiles with 9 odd little characters on it disappeared, then a pair showing southward-blowing winds. Heather had to jump when the flower tile she was sitting on vanished. "Hey!"

"Watch out!" Bodiccea grabbed Heather's arm. "It's getting kind of hazardous here. Let's get back home. We're gonna be going out again soon anyway."

They hopped over a tile with 5 little pillboxes on it, crawled through the monitor cable, and in a flash, found themselves back in Lut Gholein. Jerhyn was outside his palace, and smiled as they approached. "Greetings!"

"Hi, cutie," Bodiccea smiled. "The conquering heroine has returned. So, what's my reward going to be? Gold? Jewels? Or maybe just the hand of a fair prince?"

"Heh. I had hoped to share some of my concerns with you, and impart to you knowledge which will aid you on your quest."

"Knowledge? What would I do with that?"

"You've never needed it before," Heather said.

"Besides, I'm a natural blonde! I hardly have anyplace to put it!" Bodiccea laughed.

Jerhyn cleared his throat. "Some time ago, a mysterious cloaked wanderer came to the city, asking after the location of the tomb of Tal Rasha --"

"Which is long lost out in the deepest deserts, you suspect this dude was Diablo, time is running out, yeah sure. Jehry baby, I know you're trying your hardest, but you just look too scrumptious for me to take you seriously..."

Jerhyn sighed, rubbing his temples. "Perhaps you could speak to my advisor, Drognan."

"Nah, I already have one babbling old guy following me around trying to tell me stuff. Now, Jerhyn..." Bodiccea said, licking her lips and breathing in so deep the straps on her leathers groaned, "be reasonable about this. I know exactly what we both want. Why fight it? Your palace isn't in such hot shape, but the upper floors are just fine, and I'm sure there are some nice bedrooms up there someplace..."

"Hey," Heather pointed, "is that Cain coming over here?"

"What?" Bodiccea looked. "He never comes here, he can't move this far. Now --" While she was distracted, Jerhyn had gone back inside the palace. "Hey!" she said, "get back out here! I'm not finished with you yet!"

Kaelan stood firm at the door. "You may not pass."

"I'll make passes at whoever I want to! Heather, you distracted me!"

"I'm sorry, I really thought it was him," Heather said unconvincingly. "He must be worried that you haven't brought him the scroll from Radamant yet."

Bodiccea groaned. "Look, we both know what the scroll says. Oh, never mind, I'll talk to Cain. But I will get that boy."

As they walked towards the marketplace, Heather asked, "Why? I mean, he doesn't like you that much."

"He's just playing hard to get so I'll save his city for him. Like I wouldn't anyway, I need to get to the Arcane Sanctuary. Let's see what Cain has to say."

"Ah!" Cain said as they showed him the scroll. "The lost Horadric Scroll! Only I have the knowledge to decipher the Horadric runes it bears. Hmm..."

Heather frowned a little. "Um, shouldn't that be 'a' lost Horadric scroll?"

"I wondered about that too," Bodiccea smirked. "You'd figure the world's greatest wizards could write more than one thing..."

"This is most fortunate!" Cain beamed. "Radamant, it seems, witnessed the entombment of Tal Rasha, and while he has not recorded where to find the tomb, he does describe how to enter it! A Horadric staff is needed to break the seal. Unfortunately for us, all the Horadric staves were destroyed long ago by breaking them into shaft and headpiece."

"Yeah. Man! Horadric Staff, Horadric Malus, Horadric this, Horadric that. What DIDN'T those guys do, anyway?"

"Very little," Cain smiled with pride. "The Horadrim were a shining --"

"-- light in the darkness of ignorance and evil. We know. Here's the plan: get a Horadric staff, de-virginize Tal's tomb, go in there, and whack the first thing we see."

Heather looked openly appalled. "De-virginize?"

Bodiccea grinned. "Sure. We have to go out and get a staff, since neither one of us has one. We get the shaft, and a little head, then find the socket where it fits and shove it in to break the seal. All that and a pretty light show, too."

"A little headpiece."

"Whatever."

"Ah, yes..." Cain muttered. "Should you find a Horadric Staff's headpiece and shaft, they may be reunited using a Horadric --"

"Horadric Duct Tape?"

"No..."

"Horadric Safety Pins?"

"No..."

"The Horadric Hot Glue Gun? Martha Stewart recommends it."

"No! The Horadric Cube is an alchemical tool, and the only way the shaft and headpiece may be rejoined while preserving their enchantments!"

Bodiccea slapped her forehead. "A Horadric Cube! Holy mackerel! Where EVER could we find one of those?"

"Miss Bodiccea," Heather said, "please stop being mean to Mr. Cain."

"I'm meaner to myself, Heather."

"I don't think so..."

"You try smacking yourself in the forehead wearing heavy gauntlets. Ow..."

"It wouldn't be so bad if you'd wear a helmet."

"They're all ugly, Heather. I have an image to maintain."

Cain slowly sighed. "It seems you will have as little use for my knowledge here as you did back in the Rogue pass. Locating even one piece of a Horadric Staff is unlikely. Finding the matching piece would be nearly impossible, and without a Horadric Cube, all would be for naught."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Bodiccea gave Cain a little hug. "Don't worry. We'll find a staff and a cube somewhere. We'll just have to explore a little."

"I hope so," Cain smiled. "Diablo seeks his brother, to free him from his prison! Should they be reunited, they will journey to the east to meet the eldest of The Three, Mephisto. You must stop them, at any cost, or the world will be consumed by --"

Bodiccea nodded. "Yes, all right, Cain, thank you! Now, I have to get busy. This is going to take a while, ok?"

"Of course, of course! You must be off to hunt for Diablo, who even now searches the desert sands for --"

"Yes, you said that already. Now, gotta go."

"Yes! Haste is absolutely vital! Should Diablo find --"

"That's why I have to go now! Bye!"

"Ah... ahem. Good luck!" Cain yelled as Bodiccea sprinted for the city gates, Heather close behind.

In the Rocky Wastes, Bodiccea and Heather found skeletal bodies right outside Lut Gholein's gates. They had to pre-date Diablo, they were just bones, so it was strange that they'd be left out within sight of the gates like that. As soon as the walls were out of sight, a pack of Slingers and a unique Sand Leaper jumped them. Cat People throwers seem to be boys. The Leapers were even more annoying than usual -- Bodiccea's first jab would knock them back so the next two missed. When she tried to use Impale, they responded by hitting her, then jumping away before her blow landed. The boss didn't die until she got him up against a wall and could Jab him to death.

The next fight was a cold enchanted Dung Soldier. They smelled pretty bad, but hitting them was worse. Even Impaling with Bloodthief, it hurt. When it died, the cold nova got both of them, so it was healing potions all around, then on to the next fight: some Carrion Birds. These guys weren't so dangerous, so Bodiccea let Heather do all the killing again. For whatever reason, she could not shoot them until they landed, which is still strange. They dropped exploding potions, another bizarre Blizzardism: worth a lot of money, but useless in every other respect.

In a far corner of the Wastes, near a wrecked wagon and several human bodies, Bodiccea did a strange thing. "Ew! I stepped on a bug!"

"Yeah, so?"

"No, look at that thing! It's HUGE! Ew, there's more of them! EW, THEY'RE EATING THE DEAD ONE!!"

"Um, bugs do that. What about those lightning beetles earlier?"

"Oh, those are just demons. But that is a BIG, UGLY BUG!"

"I don't see what you're getting so upset about. Those are good-sized bugs, but they're just bugs. They're all over town."

Bodiccea's eyes widened. "They are?"

"Sure. Haven't you looked at the ground when we're in town? They're all over the place."

"EW!!!" Bodiccea jumped away from the growing cluster of bugs, carefully watching where she stepped.

Heather stared at her, shaking her head. "What about all the bats and rats and things in those other caves we've been in?"

"Oh, bats are kind of cute. They're fuzzy. But bugs are just icky!"

"Miss Bodiccea, sometimes, you're really weird."

Inside the Stony Tomb, they advanced forward, Bodiccea gingerly stepping over the beetles and scorpions. The only monsters were Skeletons, Burning Dead mages and Horrors, black skeletons that aren't that horrible at all. Here's a tip: if you're making a game and you name some monster a Horror, make sure it's something genuinely scary. They wandered around the small upper level, opening doors and kicking lots of urns. Bodiccea spent most fights standing still while Heather plinked away. In an embalming chamber, Heather finally reached level 17, and some new gear was waiting back in town: the unique chainmail Sparkling Mail, and the unique full helm Duskdeep, along with a note.

"Hey girl! This'll put you in the running again. You watch out for Miss Thang there, because in one move level, you get a new bow. Try not to embarrass her too much. ttfn!

-- The Mule"

Heather seemed much happier as they went downstairs to the equally small second level of the Stony Tomb. They found the golden chest of joy almost immediately, and killed the stone-skin Beetle boss guarding it without too much trouble. With the new mail, Heather's damage output almost doubled. In the next side chamber was Creeping Feature, the best-named unique in the game. She couldn't keep away from the poison clouds, but at least it didn't hurt her as much this time.

The last room was a room o' coffins: a whole bunch of them in a big X in the middle of the room. Four had Burning dead mages hiding inside, and one decent item: a druid pelt with +3 to Shock Wave and +2 to Maul and Hunger. No sockets, but that could be arranged. A werebear would like that, and since Bodiccea knew a werebear, she kept it for muling.

After a long dash across the wastes, they were in the Dry Hills, looking for the waypoint. A multi-shot Spear Cat met them at the entrance, throwing potions. By the way, explosive potions work about as well on characters as they do on monsters, even multiple ones. Cave Leapers and Undead Scavengers came behind them. Heather was killing things quicker, but the crowd got so thick that Bodiccea had to switch to Bloodthief and start killing; soon, blood from Open Wounds covered the hills like a big red afghan. After a fierce and bloody battle, the kitty dropped... their 19th charm of greed so far. Bleah.

Scooting along the wall which separated her first bi-level area (a neat idea, actually) into halves, they found the Halls of the Dead and the waypoint right next to each other. A convenient arrangement, that. Bodiccea decided to clear the area and leave the Halls for tomorrow. They found a few more things. Two pretty flying scimitars appeared out of an urn near a ruined house. A pack of champion Spear Cats, all lime green, dropped several chipped and flawed gems along with some rejuves. And finally... FINALLY... Heather hit 18th level when she killed the last Leaper in the whole area. A long battle bow studded with six perfect gems fell out of the sky and bonked off her head.

"Woo hoo!" Bodiccea yelled, clapping her hands. "You got it!"

"Wow," Heather said, and grabbed the bow. "How much damage am I doing?"

"Let's see. 'O'!"

Silently, they gazed at the left half of the screen. "Whoa," Bodiccea finally said.

"Whoa," Heather agreed.

"I think you're doing twice as much damage as me."

"Really?"

"'C'! Yeah, almost exactly twice as much."

"Whoa. Yeah. But, you hit three times to my one, so you're ok."

"Uh, yeah. I hope so. Well, I'll get some good stuff when I hit 25 and can start using exceptionals. Only four more levels to go."

Heather shrugged and smiled. "That's not long."

"No... and from here, you have to find your own kills. I'm not holding back anymore."

"Kind of figured you wouldn't. Want to hit the Halls?"

Bodiccea shook her head. "Nah, it's been a long day. Let's do the Halls in the morning."

Chapter 15

Right after breakfast, Bodiccea and Heather hit the waypoint and went straight to the Halls of the Dead. A faint moan could be heard as they stepped into the darkness, warning of the unquiet dead who skulked within. Or maybe it was just the morning sun warming the air, making it expand and blow through the entrance. Whatever, four Decayed were shambling around off to their right as they came in. As Bodiccea ran to get them, an arrow charged with hefty doses of fire, cold and lightning twanged over her shoulder and turned the first mummy into a fine green mist. She moved to the second, and again a bowstring sang; the second mummy survived, but while Bodiccea was killing it, Heather took down the third. The fourth mummy's eyes bugged out (unless they were like that to start with) and it shambled off at its best speed. Bodiccea chased it through the green clouds, but just as she reached it, a final arrow reduced it to chunky leathery bits on the floor.

As Bodiccea coughed and swore to herself, Heather said, "Remember, Ms. B, you have to stay out of the poison clouds."

Sputtering, Bodiccea said, "Oh, ha! Ok, that was well done. Very good. I see you don't need any more help from me, so from now on, don't expect me to go easy on you."

Heather shook her head. "Nope."

"Cause I'm not, you know. Going to go easy on you, I mean."

Heather nodded. "Ok."

"You'll have to find your own kills from now on, I'm not gonna wait around for you."

"Uh-huh."

Bodiccea frowned. "What's with that look?"

Blinking innocently, Heather said, "Huh?"

"Don't give me that, you were looking at me like... something."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Yeah. So... don't do it again."

"Don't do what again?"

"What you were doing!"

Heather nodded silently, and they went out into the tomb's main corridor.

The main corridor, it turned out, ran the entire length of the Halls' first floor, from a storage room on one end all the way to the down stairs. It wasn't a very big level, but Hollow Ones and their skeletal troupes were spaced very evenly along the corridor's entire length. Each was just close enough to its brother that when Bodiccea used the usual tactic of running around the skeletons to reach the greater mummy, the next one down the line would notice and send its servants to help.

Bodiccea killed the first greater, started getting bogged down at the second, but by the time she'd reached the third, she was completely surrounded by skeletons and lesser mummies. Two Hollow Ones, one from the main corridor and one in a side passage, were pelting her with unholy bolts and busily raising each others minions. She was getting knocked around a bit, but not too badly, so she gritted her teeth and started slowly punching a hole in the wall of minions, working her way towards one of the mummies.

Suddenly, but not unexpectedly, a super-charged arrow flew out of the darkness behind her, and a skeleton instantly shattered. More arrows flew as Bodiccea Jabbed; in less time than it takes to say it, she was free to charge and kill first one Hollow One, then the other. More lesser undead came in response, but now there was room to retreat, so they drew them back out of sight of their masters and got rid of them.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm FINE. I was doing just fine."

"Are you sure? They kind of had you surrounded, and I read that most characters who 'tank' try to wear something heavier than leather."

"My armor is FINE. I LIKE the leathers. I'll get something stronger when I'm a high enough level for exceptional gear. Ok?"

"Sure, ok. But I read this guide, and they recommended --"

"I'm not following a guide, Heather. We don't need a guide, we're only in Normal difficulty. Only complete weenies can't handle Normal. I can survive for a few levels, then I get some Trellised armor."

"Have you at least tried wearing a breastplate?"

"Yes. The shoulder plates are too big. When they're sitting on top of my chest, you can barely see my head."

The corners of Heather's mouth began to twitch. "Um... ok."

"What?!"

"Nothing. Where do we go now?"

After looking at her suspiciously, Bodiccea pointed down the side passage. "Let's look down there. I'm sick of resurrecters, and this hallway is crawling with them."

"Ok."

"I'll go first."

"Sure."

"'Cause that chainmail kind of slows you down, you know?"

"Yeah, a little. It's nice and safe, though."

"Whatever."

An embalming chamber, with a central area set off by a barrier, lay at the end of the passage. Skeletons gathered in the door as they approached. Normally, Bodiccea would draw them away before going around, but that would give Heather time to catch up, so she ran into the snarled mass of bones and started Jabbing. Despite all her efforts, she didn't make much progress before Heather arrived and killed them. While Bodiccea was in the corner killing the greater mummy, Heather went to work on some lightning bats and lesser mummies who'd gathered on the other side of the barrier. Weird how bats can't seem to fly over a four-foot fence in the Diablo universe. While Heather efficiently cleared out the last of the bad guys, Bodiccea stood and waited, glaring at her.

When the chamber was empty, Heather smiled and dusted her hands together. "All done!"

Bodiccea didn't smile. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Not quite suppressing a grin, Heather shrugged. "Well..."

"Come on! You can admit it. I won't kill you."

Grinning, Heather said, "It really feels good to know I'm contributing something! I mean, no one wants to just be there, not doing any good. Now, I feel like I could take on the world, and really help you on the quest."

From Bodiccea's expression, it was obvious that she didn't believe a word of it. But she smiled. "Great. My little artillery piece. I'll do better when I get Fend and an exceptional spear."

Heather nodded. "Yeah, you've kind of mentioned that. How long until you're high enough level?"

"Fend is at 24th, and the spear is at 25th. I'm almost 22nd now."

"That's not too long."

"No," Bodiccea smugly said, and started looting the chamber. "There's only one direction yet to do, so the stairs have to be that way."

"Uh-huh. Will the second level be this small too?"

"Probably. The monsters might be different. Like it matters."

"Well, the big mummies matter."

"Yeah, they're annoying and uniques can be dangerous. Anyway, let's go."

The last room had the stairs down, and three Hollow Ones. The battle was a completely one sided mopping-up, and as usual Heather did most of the mopping. Urns were scattered all over, making it hard for the monsters to maneuver. Bodiccea kicked them over, which was something Heather couldn't do -- she shot over them, using them as barricades. Bowazons are such a pain, Bodiccea thought... then she noticed Heather was stuck in the door. It made her laugh. Maybe she needed some grease for that enormous swollen head.

On the second level, they met a pack of Spear Cats near the entrance. They used javelins, not potions, and so were a little more dangerous. Beyond that, it was all Greater Mummies and skeletons. They found the waypoint quickly (makes more sense to put one in a tomb than a sewer) and then ran into a cold enchanted Spear Cat. As usual, Bodiccea left the boss for last so the death nova wouldn't be too much of an inconvenience. She hit level 22 killing the last minion, and was about to go kill a Hollow One further back in the hall when a frost nova announced the Cat's sudden and unwelcome demise.

"Damn it, Heather!" Bodiccea screamed, slowly stumbling through a crowd of maniacally slashing skeletons, "You leave a cold enchanted boss for last!"

"Sorry, I didn't see those guys! I just shot him a few times, and... he kind of died."

Bodiccea kept going down the corridor, grumbling something about the table manners, social graces, maternal ancestry, and sexual preferences of Rogues in general and snotty little bowazon Rogues in particular. After killing the Hollow One, she came back. Heather had already killed the skeletons. "I'm sorry, but I did not see them!"

"Couldn't you at least have the courtesy to need arrows or something?!"

"I'm sorry, but magic arrows are one of the gifts of the Sightless Eye."

"I guess it is a sightless eye, you can't see squat."

Heather took a deep breath, and slowly let it out. "Maybe if you read one of the guides."

"Heather, forget the guides. We do not need a guide, even if most of them didn't call for uber-leet gear we haven't got and won't get anytime soon."

"Um... well, yeah, I guess. None of the mules have a Titan's Revenge, a Windforce, or a Buriza. Those are about the only weapons any of the guides mentioned."

"Tell me about it. When people talk Amazons, does anybody mention spears? Nooooooo! Does anybody complain that all the lightning spear skills are buggy? Why bother? Amazons don't use spears! Everybody knows we're all javazons or bowazons. 'What are spears? Oh, you mean those pointy sticks Whirlwind Barbs used to use?' Bleah."

"Well... have you considered just chucking the spear and getting a decent bow? It would make this so much easier..."

Bodiccea stared, wide-eyed, then screamed "RIGHT! THAT'S IT! CONFERENCE!!"

After grabbing Heather, Bodiccea stomped back to find the others. Everyone was waiting for them in a large cage set in the middle of a room with stone walls. Strange creatures with bodies made of flat, colored surfaces were wandering around the narrow aisle surrounding the cage. Some looked like evil knights, or fiery lizards on two legs, or pointy-fingered Vampires handsomer than the ones in Diablo II -- but not by much.

"He--" Thaddeus began.

"It's like this:" Bodiccea interrupted, "I can't do a thing with my merc since she got new gear. She has gotten snotty, and uppity, and she won't do what I need her to do, and just now, just now, she told me I need to drop MY weapon of choice and follow her lead. Can you believe the NERVE of that?"

"We--" he continued.

"She thinks that just because SHE'S suddenly killing everything right and left that SHE'S entitled to take the lead in this little quest! All I am doing is trying to clear the Halls of the Dead and get the damn cube, she WILL NOT support me, and then to top it all off, she thinks I'd be better off as a bowazon! A BOWAZON!!"

"I'm just saying you could follow one of the guides..."

"I am NOT following a GUIDE! We don't have the gear, I don't have the patience, and YOU don't start telling ME what to do!"

"So your merc is outclassing you," Xanthippe smirked. "Suck it up."

"Well, you had that happen," Bodiccea sneered, "but that's because you're a Sorceress."

"Yeah, and what's your excuse?"

"Well said," Tearlach grinned. "Put to shame by a mercenary, and a slip of a girl at that! Are all of your kind so weak?"

There was a palpable silence. Amanita finally said, "Wow, your family jewels grew back bigger than ever, didn't they?"

"Hey, why are you people talking about something besides me?!" Bodiccea whined. "I'm the one with the problem!"

"You got that right!" Xanthippe said, her face darkening. "And you're going to have even more if you don't keep your grabby little paws of Jerhyn!"

"Jeebus, who lit the fuse on your tampon? It's so obvious he likes me better."

Dear Diary,

What tedium has been my lot! Bearing witness to the Amazon's unamusing antics was nearly intolerable. Her assault on little Lordling Jerhyn's chastity was an unmatched masterpiece of single entendre; even the Barbarian's efforts to attach himself to some poor, undeserving female did not sink to such depths of inanity. Her complaints are, of course, without merit. Dear little Heather has outdistanced her for the moment, but it is the place of servants to kill when it is required, and competence in this limited field should not be frowned upon. That she has seen fit to talk back to her mistress is the consequence of lax discipline and nothing more. B is so undisciplined herself, it is no shock to learn that she is incapable of disciplining her servant. My own servants have learned better than to question me.

While everyone else was busy, Khaleel caught Heather's eye, and gave her a big thumbs up. "You go, girl!"

Paige: (whispers) "Wow! You were awesome!"

Heather grinned a little, and whispered, "Thanks."

"Hell, yeah!" Kasim grinned. "Show those damn heroes who's boss."

"Eh, she didn't do so bad," Klatu shrugged.

"Not so bad?" Khaleel laughed. "She's totally pwning blondie."

Paige: (looks confused) "I'm still not sure how you pronounce that word."

Khaleel smirked. "Hey, some of us have the art."

Klatu nodded. "It has too few vowels."

"Maybe it's Welsh," Kasim muttered.

"Bodiccea," Thaddeus sighed, "you may be overreacting."

"No, no, no, no, NO!" Bodiccea squealed, stamping her feet. "Heather is trying to steal the game away from me! Whose name is on the save file? Mine! Who gets the quests, moves things in inventory, and assigns stat points? Me!"

"Yes, and? Mizor, stay away from the bars. They may think you're trying to escape." Mizor: "Hrrruff." (Hefts maul and snorts at the funny-looking people walking by outside.)

"So Heather is killing everything and hogging the spotlight!"

"So get rid of her," Amanita said, and smiled. "Just admit to the world that your merc is totally outclassing you, you can't compete, and hire somebody else."

"I am not outclassed!" Bodiccea huffed. "This is only temporary."

"Then why are you complaining?"

After taking a deep breath, Bodiccea calmly said, "'Cause I like complaining."

"She speaks truth," Varnae guffawed. "Now, if only..." His words trailed off. Outside the cage, a woman as erotic as polygons can be had wandered by. Her skin was pale and barely covered in tight black leather. Over one hand was a steel blade, bound to her wrist. She spun in place, her icy gaze raking over the heroes, before shimmying away with a cruel laugh. Varnae stood frozen, then staggered towards the cell door. "I'm home."

"You are not," Xanthippe said, tripping him. "Stay in the cage."

"But you don't understand! I've finally found my home!"

"Varnae, they'd torture and kill you," Thaddeus said.

"Would they? Would they really?"

Mizor: (The pale man is breathing funny again. I wish he'd stop doing that, it gives me the jibblies.)

"Never mind," Thaddeus said with obvious disgust. "Bodiccea, you are making too much of this. Your mercenary has some excellent gear now; that is all. In the end, it will not matter which of you killed the most. The quest is the important thing."

"I know!" Bodiccea grinned. "I'm just blowing off steam. C'mon, Heather! Let's go find the Cube. There's a lot of potions taking up my stash. I wanna make some rejuves."

"Sure," Heather smiled. "So you don't care that I do twice as much damage as you?"

"Sure I do! You just wait until I gain a few levels. Then we'll see who's dishing out the hurt!"

After they left, Thaddeus sighed. "Well, that was pointless."

"Ha!" Tearlach laughed. "Nothing ever came of listening to a woman's complaints. Let this be a lesson to you, tin man!"

Thaddeus thought for a moment. "Do you think we could invite Kashya here?"

"Mmmmmmaybe," Amanita slowly smiled. "They have a torture chamber."

"Uh huh!" Xanthippe craned her neck to look through a doorway. "It's a big one!"

Varnae tsked. "What a shame it would be to see all those instruments of pain used on someone so ill-equipped to appreciate them."

"As opposed to who, deadboy?" Tearlach snorted. "Spiked wheels and hot coals hold no terror for one such as I."

"How about Kashya in spiked kneepads?" Xanthippe asked.

"She surprised me once," Tearlach nodded. "But she was right to strike me. My lack of ambition angered her. I should never have shown my face before I had my kingdom."

Silence fell audibly. Everyone stared at Tearlach. He nodded, deep in thought, then left. Amanita finally murmured, "The male ego knows no bounds, does it?"

"I beg your pardon," Thaddeus said. "That was what we call 'denial'."

"Then he could be Cleopatra. That's it. I'm going to bed."

"Anybody gonna catch the rest of 'Blondie decks the Halls'?"

"Why?"

"Good point."

Chapter 16

Bodiccea and Heather quickly cleared the rest of level 2 of the Halls of the Dead. There wasn't much there, apart from charm of greed #20, so they headed down to level 3 to find the cube. Unlike the previous levels, open rooms were fairly uncommon down here, but there were several ring-shaped corridors and some dead ends. Spear Cats and sparky desert bats rounded out the usual complement of Greater Mummies and skeletons. The moved quickly, Bodiccea forever darting ahead to kill a mummy or some annoying javelin cat, and Heather coming up behind and laying waste to everything else.

In one ring-shaped corridor, they found their first Mummy Sarcophagus. She always wanted to know what goes on inside those damned things, so after they cleared the hall, Bodiccea got Heather to stop shooting and looked inside. Her suspicious were confirmed: a tiny little factory was packed in there. A conveyer belt brought in busted mummies from throughout the tomb. A gaggle of midget Necromancers was frantically slapping bits together with duct tape, animating whatever pile o' parts resulted, and shoving them out the door -- a genuine monster garage. Bodiccea jumped in, kicked over the conveyer belt, and bound the Necros up tight with their own tape. "Ok, boys, that's a wrap!"

Level 3 of the Halls flew by quickly. Bodiccea had a lot to do with that. She was trying so hard to outdistance Heather, she kept forgetting to make sure the mummy was dead before she moved on to its skeletons. A fight with a unique Hollow One was actually less frantic. It had a Holy Fire aura, nothing dangerous, so Bodiccea went straight in, trying to kill it before Heather got there. She didn't succeed, but Heather was nice enough to concentrate on the minions anyway.

The last room on the level was the treasure chamber, with the Cube in the golden chest of joy. First, they had to kill Bloodwitch the Wild... an extra-fast kitty girl with a whip. Sigh... There was only one Greater Mummy in the chamber, and a few other Spear Cats, all easily dispatched. Cain was overjoyed to see the cube, and immediately opened it and started explaining its many functions.

"You have an quite a treasure here! It amazes me that you found one, though perhaps I should not be surprised. Most of the Horadrim were entombed here in Aranoch, their bodies altered mystically and surgically to allow them to guard their tombs after death."

"Yeah, we ran into some of them," Bodiccea said. "So, why weren't they all buried in the Valley of the Magi?"

"Many wizards and sages were united under the banner of the Horadrim. Were the valley large enough to hold all their tombs, it would not have been lost so easily."

And Blizz thought Greater Mummies were so kewl, they had to stick the stupid annoying resurrecting bastards in practically every tomb in the act, she thought. But Cain was still talking: "There are many alchemical formulae for the cube. For example, 6 gems and a sword will make a socketed long sword!"

"Sorry, not anymore. I wonder, why'd they even have that recipe? It's not like anybody ever WANTED a socketed long sword back in the day, and even less so now."

"Hmm..." Cain's eyebrows knitted together, then he coughed a bit and continued. "Two quivers of arrows can make a quiver of bolts! And likewise, two quivers of bolts will make a quiver or arrows!"

"Now that's not so bad," Bodiccea grinned. "If either of us used arrows or bolts, that is."

Heather said, "I've heard that if you use a crossbow, you tend to find a lot more arrows than bolts. I wonder if they set it up like that?"

"Sure," Bodiccea laughed. "Just like Anya always gives Spearazons a bow, Bowazons a set of javelins, and Javazons a spear."

Cain frowned. "I am very sorry, but sometimes I really cannot understand you. It is as though we are simply not communicating. Regardless, the cube is yours. I leave it up to you to discover other formulae."

"I know one," Bodiccea said. "Three rejuves make a full rejuve. I'm going to start using that one right now: I want room in my stash, and some big purples on my belt."

"A wise precaution," Cain said. "Alchemy is certainly the most widely used of the magical arts. Other techniques are limited to those with special gifts, but anyone --"

"Ok, thanks. Bye!"

"Ah, er... yes. You are always welcome to stay a while and listen. Hrm."

After consolidating a lot of purple fun juice (isn't it amazing how the cube even makes a new bottle for you?) Bodiccea and Heather took the waypoint back to the Dry Hills. They'd cleared it the night before, and Bodiccea wasn't interested in clearing it again, so she started the long run towards the Far Oasis entrance. It wasn't that late yet, so they could at least find the waypoint. Most of the monsters couldn't catch her... but one did, an extra-fast Saber Cat. It and its minions quickly blocked her path, and as more Saber Cats came up from behind, Bodiccea was quickly surrounded. Most of them were still alive when Heather caught up; her help cleared the crowd away in no time.

"I coulda taken 'em," Bodiccea said.

Heather shook her head. "Are we going to start that again? You don't have to do it all yourself! I'm here to help you!"

"I... yeah. And I'll get better armor. 25th level, 25th level..."

Bodiccea picked up charm of greed #21, and they moved on. The Far Oasis was nasty. Along with the wrecked wagons, human corpses, and pools of evil black water, there were bugs by the million. Some of them flew in single-minded swarms to suck your blood away. And the noise... there's a little corner of Hell somewhere that sounds exactly like that. Bodiccea let Heather kill them while she took on a pack of lightning beetles, and thought she was getting the better end of the bargain. There were also Black Raptors and Undead Scavengers, but those didn't bother her in the least.

The Itchies dropped a couple of nice Voulges, some splint armor, gold coins, and all kinds of other heavy things. The joys of random drops. After searching about half of the upper part of the area, they finally found the waypoint and the entrance to the Maggot Lair, right next to each other. Very convenient; random maps can work out for you sometimes.

"So, are we going in? It's not too late."

Bodiccea's lip curled. "Nah, it's late enough. Let's go home. We can come back later with some bug bombs."

"You mean throwing potions? I thought you hated those."

"Yeah. I really wish Blizz hadn't screwed up so bad with those, a potion pitcher might have been a fun build. Or if they're gonna be weak, give somebody a skill that boosts 'em a little."

"Like who?"

"I dunno. The Assassin, maybe. Some traps work like you throw 'em."

"Maybe. Um... you're not just procrastinating about going into the Maggot Lair 'cause you don't like bugs, are you?"

After a longish pause, Bodiccea said, "Heather, am I gonna have to smack you?"

Heather shrugged. "Ok. We can come back tomorrow."

Chapter 17

Bodiccea almost seemed to be in a hurry to get back to the Maggot Lair. She was -- she wanted to get it over with. Who wouldn't be eager to put the most mucus-enhanced map in the whole damned game behind her? Not long after dawn, they squeezed through the slimy entrance tube and had a look around. The first chamber had a few funeral urns, two Desert Eagle mercs slimed to the floor, and a goo ball that spit out an ethereal Brandistock when they popped it. There was only one exit, so they took it.

The next chamber was very small, and full of two things: urns, and a Stone Skin Rock Worm. There had to be over 20 of them in there; kicking pots out of the way took more time than killing the unique, especially after Heather caught up. She hung back and kept out of trouble like a good Rogue should, but by the time the room was clear, Bodiccea was literally dripping with venomous green slime. Once it was safe, she spit to clear slime away from her mouth, screamed "EWWW!!" and ran back outside to the waypoint.

"Ms. B?" Heather yelled, chasing her back towards the inn, "we need to finish the lair!"

"Not until I get a bath!"

"They don't have bathtubs at the inn!"

Bodiccea stopped. "What? There has to be a bath!"

"Um, this is a desert. They don't take baths here. There's not enough water."

"AIEEE!" Bodiccea gibbered, bits of slime dripping off her to sizzle on the pavement. "THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!"

"It'll probably dry up and flake off. See? It's drying up already."

"Heather! Being covered in DRIED bug snot isn't any better!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but you know, those bugs don't have much range. Maybe..."

"No, Heather. I am not switching to a bow. I know it would make you happy, but uh-uh."

"Well... ok, if you think that's a good idea..."

"Don't even try that ploy on me, Heather. I got enough of that from my mom."

"Did she use a bow?"

"Javelins. Aw jeebus, I'm crackling."

"Yuck," Heather agreed, watching bits of green mucus flake off Bodiccea every time she moved. "Um... what do you have against bows anyway?"

"I've got nothing against bows. It's the people who use them. Snotty little witches who got the good skills and all the best gear. Ok, there's Lightning Fury, but that's javelins. I wish to heck Lightning Strike actually worked, that would be so cool."

"Maybe you could put a bow in your weapon switch, for when you need one."

"Nuh-uh. Anything they can do, I can do better and faster." Bodiccea smirked. "Back in the day, Duriel killed Bowazons right and left. They had to keep a spear handy to deal with him, or at least the smart ones did. But Spearazons never need bows."

"What about Iron Maiden?"

"I like old-school metal fine," Bodiccea grinned. "Oh, the curse. Run around until it fades. Or wait 'til you get hit with something else."

Heather nodded, flicking a bit of green off Bodiccea's shoulder. "Ok. I'm kind of wondering if we're going to be running back into the sunlight every time a bug spits on you."

"Hell, no. It's just that... for a minute there, I had so much slimy stuff on me, I wondered if I'd gotten sucked into the wrong kind of anime or something."

"Huh?"

"You don't want to know," Bodiccea laughed. "Just watch out for tentacles."

Back in the lair, Bodiccea led the way around the twists and turns of the tunnels. The walls seeped, the ceiling dripped, and the floor was slippery with slime. As they pushed deeper in, Bodiccea joked that she hadn't felt this wet in years; Heather did her best to ignore the implications of that. Like usual, Heather followed at a short distance. More than once, she hung so far back they got separated, and Bodiccea, not having the Teleport skill (also known as Summon Mercenary), had to go back for her.

As they went, Bodiccea kept acquiring new coats of bug drool, which never really dried while they were down there. She even developed the habit of shaking like a dog before going back to town to get the worst of it off. Heather was especially careful to keep her distance when she saw Bodiccea's pack was getting full. They found several corpses wearing Desert Eagle clothes, unless that's what the desert nomads they go on about in the Diablo II manual are supposed to dress like.

In a treasure room with two chests, they found a unique Black Locust pack, which Bodiccea let Heather to kill while she grabbed the loot. The next side chamber had gray Rock Worms, several urns, and two chests. One chest coughed up charm of greed #22. When you think about it, the amount of wealth in the Maggot Lair is strange -- it's a bug nest, not a tomb. Whatever the reason, Bodiccea now had plenty to gamble with. If only gambling was worth anything this early in the game... Bodiccea took a risk on a ring. It was -- shock and amazement -- a Ring of Greed. "Maybe I need a new map seed," Bodiccea thought, before selling the stupid thing back.

Down on the second level, Bodiccea and Heather ran into their first mucus door. "Um... Heather? Could you open that for me?"

Heather looked back and forth between Bodiccea and the translucent panel of slime hanging from the ceiling. "You always told me not to open doors so the monsters don't come in and get us."

"It's ok, you can open this one."

"Um... you YELLED at me not to open doors so the monsters don't come in and get us."

"I won't yell at you! It's just that if I have to touch that 'door', I'm going to run screaming like a little girl all the way back up to the surface again."

Nose wrinkling, Heather said, "I don't want to touch it either."

"What's the matter? Are you scared?"

"You're the one asking me to do it. Poke it with your spear. It's long."

On the other side of the door, a buzzing voice yelled, "Look, will one of you open the door already? We're hungry, and we want to eat your faces."

"No!" Bodiccea yelled back. "It'll pop and get slime all over us!"

"What's wrong with that?" the voice asked. "Faces taste better that way."

"Well, I'm not gonna open it," Bodiccea said. "You open it."

The voice answered, "I can't open it, you open it!"

"Oh, no! I'M not gonna open it, YOU open it!"

"I CAN'T open it! YOU open it!!"

"You do know, the monsters down here don't know how to open doors?"

Bodiccea smacked herself in the forehead, then winced. "I've gotta stop doing that."

"Or get a helmet."

"Shaddup."

The unseen speaker made a noise, which might have been chuckling but sounded more like a skipping miter saw than laughter. "You're not very bright, are you?"

"Hey!" Bodiccea yelled, "I may not be an honor student anywhere, but I've got a nice ass!"

"Besides," Heather said, "you're the one who can't figure out how to open a door."

"Shaddup," the voice mumbled.

"You shaddup!" Bodiccea yelled back.

"You both shaddup!" Heather stamped her foot. "Ms. B, you have to open the door."

"But it's icky! Why me?"

"Cause you're the hero! You know, prima donna?"

Bodiccea opened her mouth to reply... then closed it again. Fuming, she punched through the slimy portal. "Heather, never quote me again."

"Like I'd want to," Heather muttered under her breath as she moved to a sniping position.

The Death Scarabs on the other side of the door were dispatched without much trouble, as were the Black Locusts beyond them. Locusts and beetles kept coming down the left tunnel, and stopping before Heather had a clear shot at them. They set up an ambush: Bodiccea moved into the right branch of the tunnel, just past their entrance. As monsters dribbled down the tunnel one by one to attack her, they stopped right in front of Heather, who shot them while Bodiccea jabbed. The beetles dropped some nice items, including a charm that was NOT a charm of greed. Not that it was any good, of course.

Level 2 of the Maggot Lair was mostly winding passageways and a few rooms. Each was a treasure room, and one poured out 8 rare items -- again, none of them any good, but a rich trove nonetheless. Bodiccea was busily turning every gemstone and blue potion they found into full rejuvenation potions, buying reds from Lysander when she had to.

"Hi there. I need... 5 reds."

"Oh, hello. Fancy seeing you again. Since you found that cube thing of yours, you've been coming over very regularly."

Bodiccea shrugged. "You don't like my business?"

"Quite the contrary! I haven't had such frequent feminine company in years. With the troubles in the desert, the situation has grown even more deplorable. All the girls went and hid in the palace, you see, so there hasn't been much scenery to feast the eyes upon."

"Aw, poor baby," Bodiccea pouted. "I'm doing my best, but there's only one of me!"

"Yes, I can see that. Both of your points, that is."

Bodiccea acted shocked. "You can see both of my WHAT?"

"Oh, no, no, not like that at all!" Lysander waved his hands before him. "Or rather, I can only wish that were true. But you are doing your best, and while there is only one of you, just one goes a long way, and I assure you everyone appreciates your efforts."

"That's better," Bodiccea laughed.

"Except perhaps Fara, and Atma, but they are in the minority."

"Eh, they're too serious. You know, Fara tries to sell me armor with more coverage every time I stop to get my stuff fixed? You'd think she and Heather were in cahoots."

Lysander glanced over Bodiccea's shoulder. "Well, they do seem to be conspiring..."

Sure enough, Fara and Heather were quietly conversing, almost out of view. "I should have known," Bodiccea said. "They must think I'm pretty dumb."

Lysander stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Now, how could they think a thing like that?"

"Hey!" Bodiccea laughed, "not all dumbs are blonde! Now, I gotta catch 'em in the act or they'll never learn. Toodles!" As Bodiccea approached, Heather glanced up. Then she and Fara stopped talking and turned away from each other. "Hi!" Bodiccea said, grinning broadly. "What were you guys talking about?"

"I was asking Miss Fara if she had a suit of that splint armor you liked, but with no magic and two sockets."

Bodiccea turned to face Fara. "Do you?"

"Not today, I am afraid. There is a suit of scale mail --"

"Too heavy, too ugly. You two don't need to find nicer armor for me, I'll be getting some shipped in soon. Resistances matter more around here anyway."

"I agree," Fara said. "I have faced the elements unprotected, so it pains me to see you when you return. Much of your suffering is unnecessary. This mail is enchanted to resist Hell's fire, and --"

"I'm fine against fire, thanks. In fact, I'm pretty good against everything elemental right now, and poison isn't bad either. So, thanks, but I don't need anything!"

Fara sighed. "Faith is stronger than any armor, but courage alone will not turn a blade."

"Sure, that's what leather is for. C'mon, Heather, let's squish some more bugs."

Back in the tangle that was level 2, they found a section glowing with multicolored light -- a sure sign of Champion somethings. Sure enough, it was lightning beetles: four Champs, a cursed unique, and several swarms of biting flies. Bodiccea switched to Impale and spent a lot of time grunting and thrusting. She even had to drink a precious blue to keep going. For her part, Heather was very good, and restricted herself to the locust swarms while Bodiccea killed the beetles. They dropped two spears that would have been nice about 15 levels ago, and a pair of chain boots with 23% magic find.

After remarking on the absence of a Maggot Lair waypoint (hey, they put one in the sewer, why not the bug pit?) Heather and Bodiccea slid down to level 3. Here, Bodiccea started running, to find the Maggot queen before she had time to fill her chamber. When she got lost, Heather had to move around to catch up because Bodiccea wouldn't stop. Bodiccea reached level 23 killing a random maggot before they found her.

It took quite a bit of wandering to find Coldworm's chamber; she already had 7 or 8 worms and half a dozen eggs ready to hatch. Bodiccea dove in and started jabbing, concentrating on the adult maggots. In no time, the floor was thick with slime. Worms were spitting, eggs were bursting open, and Coldworm kept churning them out. Bodiccea killed one adult, then another; Heather was doing a good job clearing away immature maggots. Finally, there were only three adults, no unhatched eggs, and Coldworm. Bodiccea was jabbing an adult when an icy explosion filled the chamber. The maggot queen squealed and showered the room with poisonous ichor -- Heather had killed her.

After losing her lunch (if only she could throw a jav that hard) Bodiccea handed antidote potions around and they killed the last few maggots. The floor was thigh-deep in poisonous muck, so they had to look hard for the Horadric staff.

"Is this it?" Heather asked, holding up a crud-encrusted stick.

Bodiccea had a scroll of identify with her. "Long Staff of the Apprentice, +1 to Charged Bolt. Nope."

"How about this?"

"Nah, that's a Gnarled Staff, +2 to Lightning, one socket. It'll be in a chest of joy."

"Ok..." Heather said, slogging towards one end of the chamber. Then she squeaked and pitched forward face first into the muck. "I think I found the chest."

"Open it! The staff is called the Staff of Kings!"

After rooting around under the surface, Heather came up with a stick. "Say, if the Horadrim were mages, why is it the Staff of Kings? Shouldn't it be the Staff of the Magi?"

"If Blizz named it that, they'd get their asses sued off by TSR. The name makes as much sense as anything else around here. It's not worth worrying about."

"I guess. It just seems strange."

Bodiccea shrugged. "Whatever. We're done. Let's get out of here.

Cain was astounded to see the staff, and congratulated Bodiccea on her inexplicable knack for finding just the right precious relics. She put it in her stash and took the waypoint back to the Far Oasis. They cleared the Oasis easily. Beetleburst and company were on the lower level, and dropped a mask. Masks are a bizarre idea for a helmet. They're probably supposed to be funeral masks, ugly to scare hostile spirits away. The unique mask, the Face of Horror, should be even uglier than that -- a clown, maybe, or a giant smiley face -- but it looks like any other mask.

Bodiccea was amused to find a double axe, or labyris, just before they left the Oasis. The labyris is Athulua's chosen weapon, so it was kind of funny to find one here. The waypoint for the Lost City was just inside the entrance. Grinning, Bodiccea took the waypoint, ran over to Drognan's, and waited for the lights to go out.

"3... 2... 1..." Bodiccea muttered, and the sky suddenly darkened. "Happy New Year!"

"That was three months ago," Drognan informed her. "Greetings. I've heard you are the one responsible for banishing Andarial back to the burning Hells. I'm impressed, stranger. That couldn't have been easy."

"Sure it could have," she smirked. "Anyhoo, weird weather, huh?"

"I've been researching this lengthy eclipse, and believe it to be the work of --"

"Claw Vipers," she said along with Drognan. "In their little temple behind the Lost City."

"That is my belief as well," he said, quirking an eyebrow. "You know of the Lost City?"

"It ain't lost no more. Wanna hit the town tonight, Heather?"

"Um... don't we usually get some sleep after finding a waypoint?"

Bodiccea shrugged. "Mmm. Yeah, we couldn't paint the whole town red and do the temple before we got tired. See you in the morning."

Chapter 18

It was still dark in the morning; Bodiccea overslept, so Heather took advantage of the first chance she'd had to visit Atma's tavern in some time. "Hi, everybody." Paige: "Hi! C'mon in."

"Hey," Khaleel smiled, "how's the new gear working out?"

"Fantastic. I've never felt this powerful. It's weird."

Kasim grinned. "You got twinked up bright and shiny. How's Barbie taking it?"

Um... not so well. She keeps trying to outrun me and kill everything before I can get there. And she won't stop talking about what she's going to get when she's 25th level."

Smiling, Khaleel leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers. "Jealousy... is an ugly thing. I think it's about time we had some."

"We've had some," Kasim said. "All the magic in the world couldn't help my boss."

"Your boss..." Klatu began, then frowned. "I still don't get her."

"What's to get? She had to do it her way, no matter how stupid it was."

Paige: "Look, they're all a little weird. That's not important right now. Heather, you look like something's bothering you. Are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah, I guess. I don't know." Heather looked down, fidgeting slightly. "I'm kind of wishing she didn't get jealous."

Khaleel's mouth fell open. "Why not?"

"I don't know. I keep thinking she's going to get hurt. More than usual, I mean. I don't really hate her or anything. Sometimes, she's nice."

Paige: "Heather, she's just competitive. She's an Amazon. That's why she has to do it her way too -- it's like she's in competition with all the other Amazons right now. And you."

"Yeah," Khaleel said, leaning forward. "It's like, when you were lower level and didn't have the gear, she didn't mind treating you like her b!tch."

Heather blinked, leaning back.

Paige: "Uh... so to speak."

"Um, yeah, ok," Khaleel shrugged. "She didn't mind holding it up over you. Now you've got it on her. I don't think you should mind letting her know how it feels."

"I don't know," Heather chewed her lower lip. "That sounds kind of mean."

"Well, yeah! Sling some of what she gave you right back at her, see how she likes it."

"Uh, dude?" Kasim interjected.

"What?"

"She might fire her if she does that."

Paige: "Yeah. I would."

Klatu shook his head. "No. That would be cowardly."

Khaleel laughed. "Exactly. She's not gonna fire her until she knows she can beat her."

"Then I really shouldn't be mean to her," Heather said. "She'd fire me sooner or later, and I don't want to go back and sit in the Rogue camp until someone hires me again. At least this way, I get to do something."

"No, no!" Khaleel hit the table with his hand. "I just mean rub her nose in it a little. Let her know you know you're good. That's how you compete."

"But I don't want us to compete."

"Well... she's gonna compete with you. She just is, get used to it. Everything you get, you should give right back, and get a little respect for yourself."

Frowning, Kasim tapped Khaleel on the shoulder. "Uh, dude?"

"Yeah?" Khaleel asked, with some exasperation.

"Just 'cause you Act III guys are the wimp mercs doesn't mean you should try to get her to honk off her boss."

"What?! What are you talking about?"

Paige: (laughs) "I'm picking up a little projection here, too."

"I'm still trying to parse, 'Let her know you know you're good.'" Klatu said.

Kasim nodded. "Yeah. That kind of was a lot of pronouns."

Paige: (looks quizzically at Klatu) "You know what 'parse' means?"

"Aye. And what a pronoun is."

Smirking, Kasim said, "Ok, big guy. What's a pronoun?"

"A noun that has lost its amateur status."

"I knew you were gonna say that."

"Guys!" Khaleel jumped in, "I am not trying to get Heather in trouble! I'm trying to tell her that, maybe, she'd feel a lot better if she cut loose a little and treated Blondie the way she's been treating her."

Paige: "And she's been saying she doesn't want to."

"Yeah," Kasim agreed.

"Look! She... I mean..." Khaleel sputtered, then sighed and gritted his teeth. "All I am saying... if you will LISTEN... is that maybe Heather should try a little harder to, you know, teach Miss Bodice-ripper that what goes around, comes around. She should treat people the way she wants to be treated."

Kasim laughed. "I think she already does."

Paige: (Notices Heather looks uncomfortable.) "Heather, are you ok?"

"Yeah," she mumbled unconvincingly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start a fight."

"We're not fighting," Kasim said. "We're just telling wiz-boy here he's acting like an ass."

Paige: "Heather, you should treat Missy B the way you like. I think you're doing great. She'll catch up, and maybe stop being so competitive."

Khaleel sighed. "Fine. Whatever. I know when nobody wants to listen to me. Happens all the time."

"There may be good cause for that," Klatu smiled.

Paige: "Oh come on, Khaleel, don't sulk. You'll start sounding like deadboy."

"Hell, no. Pasty doesn't sulk, he whines."

"Ugh," Klatu said, covering his eyes with one hand. "Do not remind me. I heard he spent the entire last conference whimpering after some woman in spiky black leather."

"He does that at every meeting," Kasim said.

Heather sighed. "Um, guys? I think it's time for me to go wake Ms. B up and get going."

Paige: "You sure?"

"I think so. You can't really tell, but it's getting late."

Khaleel nodded, looking Heather right in the eye. "Yeah, ok. Could you just try, please, to get her to stop treating you so bad? You're a great girl, it really burns me to see the way she treats you."

"I'll be ok."

"Look... just -- ow!"

Paige: (stomped Khaleel's foot under the table) "Bye, Heather!"

"Ok, bye!"

As Heather scampered out of the tavern, Khaleel gave Paige a dirty look. "I was --"

Paige: (fumes) "Just because you went out of your way to piss off your boss doesn't mean Heather should. Has it occurred to you that she might be a better person than you?"

"That is exactly the problem! If you try being nice to somebody like Barbie, she'll walk all over you! I know, I've been there!"

Kasim laughed. "I guess she is a little like Asheara..."

Paige: "A little. Ok, more than a little: she would run around in a bikini if she could."

"Who is Asheara?" Klatu asked.

"The b!tch I used to work for, before I got hired by the b!tch I work for now," Khaleel grumbled.

Klatu chuckled. "Lucky you."

"Yeah, it's been a great life." Grimacing, Khaleel rubbed his foot. "Man, I wish we could wear boots..."

Bodiccea was up and looking for her when Heather got back. After a perfunctory lecture about keeping up and not getting lost again, they went back to the Lost City. The first thing they found was a well, with a desiccated skeleton right next to it. "What is this, a Gary Larson cartoon?" Bodiccea thought, just as the poison potions started raining down. Night Slingers, with Night Tigers and Marauders for backup. Nothing they couldn't handle, though the lack of zombies was strange. She thought the Lost City always had zombies.

The Lost City was full of ruined buildings (duh) and wells, which was good seeing how much poison was being tossed around. Night Slingers carried their own light sources, which helped for spotting them in the dark, but begged the question of why cat people would need lights. Maybe it was too dark even for their eyes without them. The unique zombie Dark Elder was near the Ancient Tunnels entrance. He dropped Bodiccea's first greater healing potion and a Bronze Large Charm of Greed. This had to be some kind of record.

On a return trip, Cain greeted Bodiccea with "Good morning."

"How can you tell?"

"It's only an expression," he said with slight annoyance, and identified her finds.

When she stopped at Fara's, the greeting was "Good day."

Bodiccea giggled and started singing, "Oh, won't you see things my way?"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. Stupid joke. Have a rare dagger."

The zombies were all hiding in the Ancient Tunnels, along with some lightning Horror Mages and lesser mummies. They really would have been a pain if there'd been Greater Mummies in there with them. Bodiccea and Heather wandered around a while, killing dead guys, kicking urns, and turning green a lot. Heather reached level 21, and the only time they were even alarmed was when a Conviction aura appeared under their feet. Fortunately, it was only a zombie. He coughed up (literally) a jewel. Bodiccea had an identify scroll on hand, so she ID'd it: a Jewel of Avarice, with +11% gold find.

Bodiccea glared at the jewel, then looked at Heather. "No blonde gold-digger jokes."

"I wasn't going to make one."

The golden chest of joy was guarded by an extra strong skeleton mage. No challenge, but there was nothing exciting in the chest anyway. Back upstairs, they continued to clear the Lost City area, Bodiccea inching ever closer to level 24. While Heather was blasting a fire tower to bits (which took surprisingly little time) something occurred to Bodiccea.

"Hey, Heather, have you noticed something?"

"Like what?" Heather asked, drawing her bow again. Killing the fire tower wasn't taking very long.

"Every monster in the city, except that tower, is dark blue."

As the tower crumbled, Heather thought about that. "Yeah... I think you're right."

"The cats, Marauders, even Plague Bearers are dark blue. I wonder if that's to make it look dark, like when they put a blue filter over a scene in a movie to show it's night."

"Maybe they put a filter over everything while the sun's out."

Bodiccea smirked. "Or maybe it's just everything turning blue the minute you catch sight of it."

"What I wonder about," Heather said without comment, "is why you wear that little patch of armor on your right thigh. You keep your left leg forward, so if you're only going to armor one leg, it should be that one."

"'Cause I've got a big zit on that leg," Bodiccea said. "No, the armor only comes with one thigh plate, for the right leg. Dunno why."

Heather shrugged. "Okay. Weird."

When they finished the Lost City off, Bodiccea was just shy of level 24. There wasn't a fire tower in the Valley of Snakes, so they went down into the Claw Viper Temple, and ran into some Embalmed right in the entrance chamber. Bodiccea squealed and jumped for the kill... just as Heather's bowstring sang, and a mummy flopped over dead. It was enough to give her the level, though. After clearing the room, Bodiccea stuck a point into Fend, switched it to her main attack, and put a point in Decoy.

"What does Decoy do, Ms B?"

"It's a distraction. Bowazons love decoys," Bodiccea said, casting it for the first time. A glowing version of her appeared on the other side of the room, swaying slightly in some air currents. "I probably won't use it much, but I want Valkyrie."

Heather looked at the decoy, blinked, and grinned a little. "That's it, huh?"

"Yep! A perfect duplicate of me... whoa, is my ass that big?"

Heather managed to stay quiet until the decoy disappeared with a soft pop and flurry of glowing motes. Then, she started giggling. "It... inflated. And popped."

"Uh, yeah... Decoy is a minor gift from the goddess of the air. Valkyries are better."

Small, strangled guffaws slowly squeezed their way out of Heather. "It... it was... it was an inflatable you... until it popped..."

Bodiccea blinked in confusion until dawn broke and her jaw fell open. "HEATHER! It is NOT a blow-up doll!!"

Unable to hold back any more, Heather burst into laughter! "YES IT WAS!! It was it was oh GAWD it was! You could sell those!!"

"Heather, you are not selling inflatable me's to every frustrated guy in Lut Gholein!"

"No, we couldn't," she kept giggling. "They'd all want refunds."

"Hey!"

"After they pop!"

"Oh. Well, yeah. I'm not gonna pump the skill enough to make it last."

Another wave of giggles shook Heather. "Pumping skill..."

"NO, Heather. Don't even think about it."

"I'm sorry..."

"Good. Now, you can say you're sorry by telling me my ass isn't really that big."

"Um, yeah." She tried to regain her composure, but quaked with the giggles every time she tried to complete the sentence.. "Sorry, Ms. B, your decoy doesn't look like a... and your butt isn't... your... your butt is... hee heee hee..."

"Never mind," Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Let's go kill something."

Their first meeting with Claw Vipers convinced Bodiccea of two things. First, she liked Fend. It was quick, dished out lots of hurt, and wasn't too demanding mana-wise. Secondly, she really needed something that gave her Cannot Be Frozen. The Vipers' chilling charge really cramped her Fending style. There were other problems with the skill, sadly. If the first stab missed, the entire round would miss, a bug that's plagued it since the beginning. And unlike Jab, Fend really needed mana leech to keep going. Surely, there would be some waiting for her when she was a high enough level... she just needed to get there.

The first level of the Viper temple was pretty big, but nothing noteworthy took place. On the second level, there were no Greater Mummies, only Fangskin, his cohort, and a few random Salamanders. Impaling Fangskin was easy as pie, and once the room was cleared, Bodiccea kicked over the altar and picked up the amulet. Back in town, they wandered over to visit Warriv.

"Why are we going this way?" Heather asked.

Bodiccea grinned. "For the best Warriv quote in the game. Hi, Warriv!"

"Ah, welcome!" he replied. "I understand you've become as great a hero here as you were back in the Rogue pass."

"Yep! And I just brought back Mr. Sun."

"Excellent! With renewed daylight, we may gather the wits that were scattered about like restrictive undergarments in the darkness."

Bodiccea laughed noisily, and Heather grinned a little. "Sez you! I need my restrictive undergarments. These things don't stay up by themselves, you know."

"In all honesty, I've never given your foundation garments a thought," Warriv cleared his throat, but his eyes twinkled. "Oh, Jerhyn would like to see you. It seems to be urgent."

"Oh, Jerhy-baby! I almost forgot him. Heather, don't you dare interrupt this time."

"Um..."

Bodiccea spritzed some Binaca in her mouth. "Maybe I should get a bath first. I'll bet I've still got bug snot in some very private places."

"Um..."

"That's right, no bathtubs. I'll have to shower! Are my tan lines too obvious?"

"But... what about inside the palace?"

"Don't worry, it's cool. The uppermost floor is always empty, and there's a couple of beds there."

"But..."

"He can't get away this time, you know. He's got nowhere to run."

Heather finally just sighed. "Can I at least go somewhere else so I don't have to see this?"

Bodiccea raised an eyebrow. "I think you'd better."

"Good. I'll be at Atma's if you need me."

Chapter 19

Jerhyn was waiting outside the palace as Bodiccea approached. He looked nervous, but he always looks nervous at this stage of the game. Or maybe it's just me, Bodiccea thought, smiling to herself. "Hi, sweetie."

"Hello! I have most urgent news for you! When the troubles began, the --"

"Baby, as of this second, your troubles are over. But before we do anything, we need to talk matrimony. 'Bodiccea, Warrior Queen' is just too good a title to pass up. Hell of a lot better than 'matriarch'. Who came up with that, anyway? That's something you'd call some old woman with 20 kids and her tits hanging down to her waist."

"You don't understand! The harem guilds took shelter in the palace --"

"Ooh, the harems. Tell you what: seeing how you're king and all, we'll split them 50-50. Order me 2 dozen boys -- nah, make it 5 dozen -- none of them older than 19 or so. They're so cute at that age. I'll take care of the qualifying endurance tests... hmm..."

"Miss Amazon, the harems are no more! They came to hide in the palace, and all was well, until one night when a horde of hell-spawned invaders came up from the deeper cellars! The poor girls were slaughtered --"

"Poor baby. Don't worry, you can get more girls, if you think you'll want them. You won't, but you're so adorable I'll indulge you."

After taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out, Jerhyn said, "If you want, you may have the harems. They are a remnant of my father's reign, I never liked them. The entire city is in peril! My men have all been slain trying to push the demons back, and the enemy stands poised to overrun us all! My palace is --"

"Wait... you don't like the harems?"

"No! As I said, my father built them. I don't even like being in them."

"But what about the girls?"

"Oh, yes... them. My father kept many there, but I never saw the point. After I became lord of the city, I sent them away. I thought of redecorating... something more tasteful and understated, perhaps in a floral motif."

"Flowers?" Bodiccea asked quizzically.

"Yes! Tulips and lilacs, I thought, but then the harem guilds begged me to let them stay inside once again. I suppose it wasn't so bad having the girls around, really. They loved listening to my Barbara Streisand CD's."

"Barbara Streisand?" Bodiccea said in confusion.

Faintly smiling, Jerhyn went on. "There was a group of traveling decorators here once, five absolutely fabulous fellows with all sorts of fantastic ideas! I would have hired them to redo the entire palace in a heartbeat, but Drognan advised against it. He said they... had a poor reputation of some kind."

Eyes widening, Bodiccea nodded quietly.

"It is of no importance. My palace is open to you! I can do little to compensate you for your heroic efforts on behalf of my city, but any valuables you find within are yours, except for my teacup collection. Especially the Royal Doulton ones. In fact, if you can find them, and make sure they haven't been broken --"

"Um, yeah, ok, sure. Teacups. Fine. Uh, excuse me. I have to go get Heather."

Over at Atma's, Heather was sitting at an empty table. "Heather?" Bodiccea said, "Come on. We're going into the palace."

"Is something wrong?" Heather asked, quickly getting up to join her.

"He's gay," Bodiccea pouted, stamping her foot. "Why are all the cute ones gay?"

"He is?"

"Heather, a guy could not lie to me about something like that. Let's clear the palace and find the damned Sanctuary. I wanna get to Act III."

"But --"

"Heather, I'm not in the mood, ok?"

"Ok."

Inside the palace, the upper levels were empty and silent. Bodiccea spent a few cathartic moments kicking over pedestals, breaking statuettes, and punching holes in all the screens and draperies. In one side hall, they found the city guard's former headquarters, with a stack of undistributed wanted posters:

WANTED: Amanita

Height: Leggy as a colt.

Weight: Lean as the best pastrami at Doris' Deli.

Eyes: Won't call 'em limpid pools; more like, brown.

Hair: I knew a drill sergeant who kept it longer.

Sex: Yeah. So what's your problem?

Distinguishing features: One look tells you this dame is trouble.

On charges of:

Defamation of character

Smoking in a prohibited area

Sorcerer abuse

Conduct unbecoming to a straight female

Reward! Call LGPD for more information. Keep our city clean.

Bodiccea snorted, and turned a poster over to write on the back:

WANTED: Bodiccea

Height: Can look down on you

Weight: Nunuvyerbeezwax

Eyes: Perfect green

Hair: Perfect blonde

Sex: Sure! But not with you

Distinguishing features: Stampedes of awestruck men wherever she goes

On charges of:

Breaking hearts

Wounding egos

Palace abuse

Conduct unbecoming to anyone less outrageously fantastic than she is!

Reward! Call LGPD for more information. Keep our city clean.

"That oughta do it," Bodiccea said with a smile. "Let's get downstairs."

"Sure..." Heather paused to read the poster. Quietly, she crossed out the first two charges and wrote in 'Being a drama queen' and 'Posession of an ego the size of Cleveland.' Then she followed Bodiccea downstairs.

The harems... ah, everybody knows what Jerhyn's harems are like. Guards and harem girls lay scattered in bloody bits, and most of the monsters were skeletons: Horror Mages and Horror Archers. There were also Dune Beasts, but no one takes them seriously, with good reason. The mages used ice bolts, and Bodiccea spent most of the level wishing she had something with Cannot Be Frozen on it. The lack of leeching was another annoyance.

The cellars were just as boring -- skeletons, Dune Beasts, more skeletons, Blunderbores, and more skeletons. Bodiccea experimented with switching between Fend and Jab, depending on how many targets she had. Supposedly, having a Decoy nearby gives Fend another stab, but Heather would start giggling if she ever cast it again. Heather, for her part, hit level 22 in the harem, and level 23 in the second level of the cellars. The loot was of poor quality, the only noteworthy finds being charm of greed #24 and a charm of frost; surprisingly, one which Bodiccea could actually use.

As they finished off the last monster in the cellars, Bodiccea looked at her experience bar: level 24, only a hair away from level 25. So close... she went through the portal, hit the Arcane Sanctuary waypoint, and ran off to get away from Heather. The first thing she found was a goat. Shrieking, Bodiccea jumped straight for the thing -- it looked up, bleated in dismay, and died in a flurry of blood-spraying stabs.

"YES!" Bodiccea happily shrieked, allocating stat points. "Ok, let's go home."

"Aren't we going to finish? You usually finish an area once you've started."

"This was special, Heather. I can already feel that Trellised armor and a brand spankin' new War Fork in my hands. I wonder if I'll get any of those charms of inertia?" She stepped on the waypoint, and the dusty walls of Lut Gholein appeared around them, red in the light of the setting sun. Then, without warning, the whole city shook. "Wha... ?"

"I don't know!" Heather said. "Hey, the sun went out!"

For an instant, it was completely black. The world came back for a second, shuddered, and suddenly they were suspended in an endless void.

"That's not the sun, Heather. We already did that quest."

"What is it? I can't feel my feet!"

A sound echoed through the blackness... it was a voice. A voice like that of an angry deity, swearing and casting down curses on something called the Microsoft corporation. "Oh, fuck," Bodiccea murmured. "I think we just crashed."

"Oh, no! Did we lose anything?"

"I don't know, but if I lost my level, I am gonna give somebody such a pinch..."

Chapter 20

All was in darkness, and silence. Then, a familiar sound echoed faintly off the distant steel walls: a whirring, the same whirring that always heralded the beginning of a new game. This time, the game did not start, and after a while, the whirring stopped.

"Oh, jeebus," Bodiccea said, somewhere in the darkness. "This sounds bad." Mizor: "Aaawatlobaa."

Paige: "Nah, it's not so bad. Sounds like all the trouble's over on the other disk, where the operating system's kept. It's happened before."

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea smiled. "Some of you've been around here for years."

A new whirring came, one they'd hardly ever heard before, and then a sound like metal softly scraping over metal. "What's that?"

Mizor: "Rrrr..."

Paige: "That's new. Sounds like something metal being ground down."

"I suspect the 'operating system' has become corrupted," Thaddeus said.

"Oh, there you go again," Varnae sniffed. "'Corruption' does not exist. There is that which serves humanity's interests, and that which does not. All else is propaganda."

"It may be misapplied to computer memory, Necromancer, but corruption is the accepted term. I make nothing of it, but if the system is corrupted, the tainted elements must be found and expunged."

The rest of them could almost hear Varnae's eyes rolling. "How depressingly familiar that sounds. Which chapter and verse of your precious books was that?"

"Put a sock in it, deadboy," Tearlach snarled. "How much longer must we wait in this cursed darkness? Idleness is enough of a trial without blindness as well."

"It's not just dark," Bodiccea said. "It's worse. I can't even feel anything."

Tearlach laughed. "Then I shall feel you out, since you are bothered by this."

Varnae sighed. "Ah, well. When it appeared that the Barbarian understood what socks were, I felt there might be a faint hope that he was improving."

The distant scraping stopped, and some whirring and grinding began. Cold, colorless light flickered into existence, revealing an empty landscape. Thousands of gently curving grooves lined the flat, steel-gray floor. At a great distance, featureless walls and a ceiling were faintly visible. "Ah," Tearlach smiled at Varnae. "Do you dare to repeat that, now that I can see where to put my axe?"

"I never repeat myself," Varnae smiled sanguinely, "and you know your efforts would yield nothing but frustration for you. Perhaps you ought to pay more attention. Now, much as I dislike stating the obvious, it seems to me the damage was rather more extensive than our Paladin surmised. None of our usual haunts are to be seen anymore."

Bodiccea stamped her foot on the metallic floor, but the impact made no sound. "There's nothing here! It's like everything's gone! Damn it, I WANT MY LEVEL!! The palace is so boring, I don't wanna have to go through it again!"

"Calm yourself," Thaddeus said. "Dwelling on a trouble only worsens it, and yours is a minor trouble to merit such loud complaining. Should you need to go through Lord Jerhyn's palace once more, it would be best if --"

"Tin man," Tearlach snarled, "listening to her is bad enough. Don't you start!"

"Hear, hear," Varnae clapped a bit. "I do believe he is improving. But whatever can that be, off in the distance?"

Far away, a figure in black was walking towards them. It soon resolved into Amanita, tromping across the grooved metal floor in dead silence. "Hey, guys. You should check it out. The whole other drive's been cleaned off, and everything's getting put back on from the ground up."

"Never mind that, love. What concerns us at the moment is our own area. As you can see, nothing remains of all that had grown so familiar to us."

"Ah, don't worry about it. All the old crap's still there, we just can't see it. The pointers and shortcuts were over on the other disk."

The distant whirring and grinding suddenly stopped, and the light faded out. Something clanked, a few colored lights began flashing, and a soft hum echoed through the void around them. "What's that?" Bodiccea asked.

"Not sure," Amanita said. "It sounds like a telephone."

Mizor: "Rrrobem!"

Paige: "Oh, that's the modem being tested."

Bodiccea snorted. "Like we need that. Come on, reinstall the games! I wanna know if I kept my level!"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID LEVEL!?!" Xanthippe screamed. "IT'S JUST ONE FUCKING LEVEL!! IT AIN'T GONNA KILL YOU IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT OVER!!"

Up to this moment, Xanthippe had been silently keeping off to one side of the group. Her sudden outburst caught everyone off guard, and they all stood there for a moment, staring. Finally, Bodiccea said, "Jeebus, what's got your panties in a bunch?"

Her face flushed with anger, Xanthippe stood trembling for a moment, then abruptly turned away with her head bowed. "Nothing! I'm just sick of listening to you, that's all."

Bodiccea blinked, then smiled. "Aw, are you upset about Jerhy?"

"NO!" Xanthippe snapped back, a little too quickly.

"Hmm..." Amanita smirked, stroking her chin.

"Methinks she doth protest too much," Varnae murmured a bit louder than was necessary.

"Ha!" Tearlach laughed. "As though any woman, even such as she, could find anything to admire in that weakling." He flexed his enormous bicep, admiring it. "Especially when there are a few REAL men in the world."

"Really?" Amanita asked. "Where can I find one?"

"Children..." Thaddeus sighed.

Completely ignoring Thaddeus, Bodiccea went over and patted Xanthippe's shoulder. "It's ok, little Xany. I guess he wanted Tearlach more than either of us."

All the color drained out of Tearlach's face. Even his woad looked blanched. "I..."

"Hey, that's right," Amanita grinned. "He would be the Sir every boy wants."

Visibly trying not to tremble, Tearlach gritted his teeth. "I'd kill him if he tried..."

"But why?" Amanita asked. "He's so cute and pretty... maybe you'd need to get a little drunk first, but..."

As the volume increased exponentially, Thaddeus walked over to where the mercenaries had gathered. "Hello."

"Hi there," Kasim said.

"What brings you to the kids table?" Khaleel asked.

"I hoped for better company. Sometimes, I don't know why I try to talk with them."

Paige: (smiles) "Why do you think we're over here?"

"Oh, come on," Heather said. "They're not that bad."

Klatu shook his head. "Yes they are."

"No! Everybody's a little stressed right now, that's all."

"It runs deeper than that," Thaddeus hmphed. As he shifted from foot to foot, his battle boots began clanking on the floor. "Ah. The sound card is working again."

Paige: (clongs butt of bow on floor) "Sounds like it. Hey, how come you don't have a merc?"

"I felt it would be wrong to ask another to expose him or herself to danger on my account."

All the mercs stared at Thaddeus like he'd suddenly started speaking in Martian. "Huh?"

"According to my beliefs, it would be unconscionable for me to expect another to step into danger in my place."

That answer got the same uncomprehending stare as the first. Thaddeus looked back and forth, from face to slack-jawed face, and reconsidered his answer. "Ah... I'm cheap, and didn't want to waste money on resurrections."

"OH!" They all nodded, exchanging sarcastic glances.

"At least you're honest about it," Kasim said. "I don't know how many walls I got wiped over keeping my boss alive. 'Kasim, kill this!' 'Kasim, kill that!' 'Kasim, leave the Succubi alone and get that lightning-enchanted Minotaur boss!' Man..."

Thaddeus nodded, smiling a bit sadly. "You know, lightning enchanted bosses are no more dangerous than usual if you stand in the right spot."

"Yeah, that's what they keep telling me. I could never find it."

"I've never had a problem with lightning enchanted things," Heather said.

"Your problems will begin in the Canyon of the Magi," Thaddeus said.

Kasim shuddered. "Ancient Kaa. Don't remind me."

Thaddeus nodded, and said to Heather, "I don't wish to denigrate your accomplishments so far, but you've really only barely begun."

Shrugging slightly, Heather nodded. "I guess. I know there's a lot more that comes after this."

"I'm afraid so," Thaddeus said, when the world flickered around them. Everything went black, and suddenly, they were standing in the Rogue camp. "Hallelujah. I'd best check with my compatriots, and see if anyone's dead yet. Excuse me."

Over with the adventurers, Bodiccea let out a loud whoop! "YEAH! LEVEL 25!"

"Congratulations," Xanthippe mumbled. "We're so ecstatic for you. Hey, where's Fuzzy?"

Mizor: (from nowhere) "RRAAA!!"

"Where's Klatu?" Khaleel asked.

"Natalya, my precious!!" Varnae almost shrieked. "Whyever are you here?!"

"I'm not Natalya," Natalya said as she stood next to the stash. "I'm Amy. There's no graphics for the Druid, and I had to borrow Natty's "

As they looked around, Warriv came over. "Greetings! I'm not surprised to see... more than one of your kind here. I am --"

"Not now! What's going on?" Xanthippe asked.

"The expansion hasn't been loaded yet," the figure of Natalya said. "Give it a minute."

"Oh, let it wait!" Varnae sighed. "I'll forgive tardiness this once."

"Keep your hands to yourself, deadboy."

"Can you not allow a man his smallest dreams?"

"No. Quit it! Damn, I wish Natty had movement animation..."

The world flickered again. Mizor, Amanita, and Klatu reappeared. "Dude!" Kasim said.

Klatu shook his head. "What happened?"

"You kind of ceased to exist for a minute there," Khaleel said.

"Damn," Klatu looked around. "I sense this version sucks for Barbs."

"It sucks less for mercs. We can use weapons now."

"True, that."

With one last shudder, the world came back into focus. "All right!" Bodiccea squealed. "I kept my level, and the Sanctuary waypoint. Time to clear it. C'mon, Heather!"

"Coming!" Heather said as they ran for the waypoint.

"Very good," Thaddeus said. "It is time to make this a Single Player game once more. We must go. Amanita, stop jumping up and down on Varnae's genitals now."

"Aw, do I hafta?"

"Well... all right. Maybe a little longer."

Mizor: (Pasty is breathing funny again. Maybe he's got a lung problem or something.)

A pile of stuff was waiting for Bodiccea back in Lut Gholein: a War Fork set with "Strength", some Trellised Armor set with "Stealth", a Shimmering small charm that maxed her lightning resistance, and a Snake's charm of Inertia bigger than her old one. An amulet, gloves, and a circlet were in the stash -- she was a level or two shy -- along with the usual note.

"Wow, you were itching for these, weren't you? Never tried 'Strength' before, tell me what you think. The amulet's got mana leech, but it's level 27, about the time I'll be bringing you another weapon. These gloves might not be better than Sigon's, but try 'em anyway! And you'll be happy with the circlet. I know you heroes have to have things just so.

-- The Mule"

The first branch of the Arcane Sanctuary was all straight-aways, perfect for Bodiccea to test the spear. It worked all right. Crushing Blow is nice with fast-striking weapons, and the strength bonus was handy too. It's not like there are a lot of runewords for a Spearazon to choose from, anyway.

Fend, when it worked, was far better than Zeal. If Crushing Blow kicked in, the amount of life Bodiccea leeched was fantastic. When Fend didn't work, she wound up standing there whiffing through the air like a dork, which was annoying. Bodiccea liked the Sanctuary. The monsters were easy (no physical immune specters yet), the shrines were pretty (the little inverted pyramids were cute) and her kill rate was comparable with Heather's. Either of them could kill a Lightning Spire in one or two hits, and the monsters went down even faster.

For once, the Summoner wasn't at the end of the last section, but the first. As soon as she saw the stairs to his platform, Bodiccea turned around and went back. No point taking him on before the rest of the Sanctuary was empty. The next section was all normal staircases. The goats could only reach them in single file, so Jab worked well, but getting to the Ghoul Lords was a pain. Bodiccea had to kick Heather out of firewalls a couple of times.

The first treasure area was nothing special, besides finding a Bronze Small Charm of Greed. Bodiccea decided to stop counting -- it was too depressing. There was some ethereal Scale Mail too, but it wasn't see-through when she put it on. She also found out that when she held a Giant Sword, she looked like an anime goddess with a daiklaive, or whatever they call those huge swords that are a foot wide and should weigh more than the teeny little girls who swing them.

The next section was the teleporters. Heather liked shooting across the gaps, but not the teleporting, especially when they wound up in the middle of a herd of goats with nowhere to run to. The treasure room had some rares (none good) but Bodiccea hit level 26 and went back to town for the new circlet. It was a nice one -- +20% to run/walk, +33% lightning resistance, and +2 to Passive and Magic skills, with some other stuff to round it out. She would have tried the gloves, but without the strength bonus from Sigon's, she couldn't use her spear. It's always just one more level...

The last section of the Sanctuary was the one with impossible staircases. Heather hit level 25, when she wasn't getting snarled and lost. The treasure room was nothing spectacular, so they ran back to the Summoner, hitting a defense shrine along the way. Bodiccea and Heather approached cautiously, pruning away some Specters, and then some goats, before a freezing bolt came shooting across the gap at them.

"Hey!" Bodiccea said, avoiding the bolt, "before I kill you... where'd you learn Glacial Spike? You're supposed to be a Diablo I sorcerer! They didn't have any cold spells!"

A firewall sprung up under Bodiccea's feet. "Is that better?"

"Yow!" Bodiccea cried, jumping towards his platform. Another Spike hit her, chilling her. Looking back, she saw Heather had gotten tangled on the stairway; she wouldn't be in this fight without a Town Portal to move her. Swearing, she raised her spear and cast a spell.

The Summoner looked over at the decoy suddenly standing next to him. "Now THOSE... are some BIG mushrooms!"

"Mushrooms?" Heather said, and started giggling again.

"Don't knock it, it worked," Bodiccea snarled as she ran up and Jabbed the Summoner in the back. He dropped almost instantly. "Good riddance, freak."

"Okay," Heather laughed, "I'll never doubt your knockers again."

"Heather!"

Grinning impishly, Heather said, "Your knocking, I meant."

"You did not. Ok, the symbol's the one like two chevrons. Let's hit the gate, hit the waypoint, and hit the sack. I'm bushed. Man, it's good to be back."

Heather smiled. "Yeah. I think everything's working better now, too."

"Yeah. I just hope we don't get bugs in the Canyon. I hate those bugs. I really do."

Chapter 21

After sunrise, Elzix went to Bodiccea's door, cleared his throat, and shouted, "Goooooood morning, Lut Gholein! It's 6:45 in the am, the weather is clear and dusty, with temperatures in the upper 90's. Traffic is light, but keep an eye out for accidents involving Saber Cats and yo' dead mama crawling out of her tomb to get ya. In other news, Lord Jerhyn's palace was declared free of demonic taint yesterday, thanks to the efforts of our favorite battlin' babe! No statement has been made about how they got in there in the first place. And now, over to sports! The International Volleyball League has denied all rumors that its balls are being stolen and used in black-market breast implants --"

Bodiccea finally yelled, "Ok, I'm up! You can shut up already."

"So you don't want to hear the scores from the tri-kingdom Rumpleball finals?"

"Frankenstein, I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with high explosives."

"Been there, done that," Elzix laughed, looking at what was left of his right arm. "Right now, the 64,000-gold piece question is: what's up for today?"

"Ugh," Bodiccea said, hauling herself out of bed. "Getting breakfast. Clearing the seven tombs. Spanking Duriel's floppy ass. Ideally in that order."

"Duriel? Who's that?"

"I mean Diablo. Sorry."

"Huh. Whatever. You know where Tal Rasha's tomb is, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," Bodiccea yawned. "It's got a waypoint. Not the tomb, I mean. The canyon."

"The tombs of the seven Archmages. Wish I could be there; guaranteed to be some good loot. But I hated fighting those tomb guardians even when I had a whole band with me."

"Yeah, they're icky," Bodiccea mumbled, pulling on her armor. "Ugh. I hate getting up in the morning."

The door cracked open, and a hand reached in to put down a tray with two buttered bran muffins, a glass of orange juice, and a bowl of melon slices. "Sounds good. Well, you know we're all counting on ya. Get your little heiney in motion and kill the bastard."

"Hey!" she said, covering herself and staring at the tray. "What'd you do that for?"

"You didn't order me this time, that's what for. Good luck."

Out in the Canyon of the Magi, the first monster Bodiccea and Heather encountered was... bugs. Devourers, to be precise. Grumbling as gobs of corrosive green slime splattered all over her nice new armor, Bodiccea ran in and stabbed them to death, giving priority to any and all unhatched eggs. "I'll probably run into these stupid things on the River of Flame, too," she thought. While they were scampering around, a group of Hell Cats noticed and came running up to die. They were nicer and much less gross. The javelin throwers were annoying, but they were easy enough to run down.

Urns, chests, and fresh corpses were scattered all over the canyon, despite the fact that it was supposed to be lost and beyond the knowledge of humankind. Maybe the desert nomads were supposed to know about it, and just didn't tell anybody. They found a rare Unraveler Head (this would be the place for it), a Lizard's Large Charm of Greed, and a Sorceress orb with mana leech. Bodiccea just shook her head at that last one. What delusion were the Blizzard programmers laboring under to think mana leech would be a great caster mod? You have to hit the critter to leech anything. But asking was about as pointless as asking why Tal Rasha's set has so many nice melee mods.

There were a few interesting things in the canyon. A guard corpse dropped a low quality cap, damaged scale mail, a crude volgue, and a cracked scimitar -- a full Act II merc set with the scimitar they always wear as a bonus. The true tomb was just to the right of the corner tomb, but they didn't go in immediately. It's traditional to clear everything else first. The first tomb on the left wall had a well right outside the door, so Bodiccea stripped down for her first bath in months.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Heather asked.

"The canyon's clear, and I hate having bug spit on me. Besides, action heroines always strip down for a slow, languorous bath every chance they get."

"I don't remember Lara Croft ever doing that."

Bodiccea laughed. "Oh, come on, Heather. That whole movie stank of fan service, even if they never did a bathtub scene. Did you know Angelina Jolie was wearing falsies? She had more than one set, too: big ones for up-close-and-personal shots, and smaller, firmer ones for action scenes."

After thinking about that for a few seconds, Heather incredulously asked, "Are you saying she had stunt boobs?"

"You got it! They gave her bigger ones in the second film, but not even that could save that steaming pile. Anyway, I'm getting a bath while I have a chance. Like Dirty Pair. I'll be Kei, you can be Yuri."

"Do I have to?"

"No. Yuri would be in here with me, so there'd be implied lesbianism and all the fanboys would slobber all over themselves with lust. Besides, my hair isn't red."

"Well, my hair isn't blue. What is the thing with blue hair, anyway?"

"I dunno," Bodiccea shrugged. "All I know is, if it's anime, someone has blue hair."

"Or green."

"Or purple, or some other color not found in nature. Whatever. I'm finished, let's clear that tomb."

The first Tal Rasha's Tomb, marked by a circle icon, was chock full of undead: Apparitions, Ghoul Lords, and, of course, Unravelers making it more trouble than it needed to be. They fended them off in style, targeting the big mummies first. One corner had 7 Unravelers spread out along the hallway -- not a boss or champion pack, just normal mummies. Past them was a mana burn Ghoul Lord, a real pain for someone with no mana leech.

In one storage room, after killing 5 Unravelers, Bodiccea found a Maiden Spear of Frost. "I like the Amazon spears. They look really stylish."

"It does look nice," Heather agreed. "Is it a good weapon?"

"A little slow, so I won't use it. I kind of wonder, though... why are they called Maiden spears?"

"I dunno. Why?"

Bodiccea smirked. "After you're speared, you're kind of not a maiden anymore..."

Heather blinked. "Um..."

Giggling, Bodiccea threw the spear back. "It's frosty, so no wonder it's still a maiden."

"Yeah," Heather muttered. "You know, that spear looked a lot like the ones all the guards in Lut Gholein use."

After a moment's blinking, Bodiccea laughed. "Yeah! They do look a lot alike! Does this mean all of Greiz's guys are maidens?"

Heather grinned a little. "I don't think so."

"We'd better not tell them they're using girl's spears. They'd get all squeamish."

"So you're going to, right?"

"Of course! But later. Let's finish off this damn tomb first. We'll tell them before we go to Kurast."

The treasure room was guarded by a beetle pack. The Crushing Blow mod on "Strength" is a waste if you're using Impale. The golden chest of joy wasn't very joyous, so they went on to the next tomb, the one marked by a crescent. This tomb was a big one, full of mummies both greater and lesser. Bodiccea went to gamble with Elzix twice before they were even halfway through the place.

Most of the tomb was an endless crawl, watching the experience counter slowly rise towards level 27. Skeletons and mummies were drawn away from Unravelers, the Unravelers were charged and Jabbed, and so on and on. When they found a corridor that looked just like the one Ancient Kaa always hangs out in, Heather sensed how tense Bodiccea got... but the corridor turned out to be empty.

"How dangerous is Ancient Kaa?"

"Ancient Kaa kills a lot of characters. More than any of the act bosses."

"But he's not even a quest boss. How bad can he be?"

"Heather... the more familiar you are with this game, the more you begin to think Blizzard really didn't know what they were doing when they made it. I mean, the character classes were supposed to be balanced, right? Go back to 1.0, and compare a Whirlwind Barb or a Corpse Explosion Necro to a Fist of the Heavens Paladin. They didn't think life or mana leech would be very important either. And Hephaesto the Armorer, the prelude to Diablo, was way more dangerous than the big D, who used to be kind of a pussy. It's sick."

"So... Ancient Kaa is a lot more powerful than they thought he would be?"

"Oh, yeah. He used to be in the true tomb, but they moved him out after they figured out how dangerous he was."

"Ok. We don't have to fight him, then."

"Sure we do, Heather. We're doing full clears, so we have to get him."

"Oh."

The next room was lair to a spectral hit Ghoul Lord, who dropped some socketed plate mail and a Corrosive Smoked Sphere. Sorcie lollipops with poison damage, a concept even worse than mana leech. In the corridor beyond, a stone skin Unraveler was waiting. It dropped some cracked plate mail, and another charm of greed. The corridor was also shaped like Ancient Kaa's... but he wasn't there either.

Slowly, they went through the huge tomb complex. Finds included another Maiden Spear, and a jewel of Envy. Bodiccea couldn't figure out why the Envy suffix adds poison damage, until she remembered that poison turns you green. Then they found a third Ancient Kaa corridor. Skeletons came wandering out. Like usual, they lured them back a short distance, then ran in to kill the Unraveler. Three of them were grouped together in the back corner. Heather's bowstring sang... and sparks danced across the hallway.

The mummies cast, and Skeletons started coming from behind them -- they didn't get the stupid things far enough away. Bodiccea ran across the hall, dodging sparks, with Heather close behind. Ancient Kaa was in the corner, and he only had two minions; so far, so good. As Skeletons slowly came up behind them, Bodiccea ran in close and Impaled. Heather concentrated her fire on the other two Unravelers, letting Bodiccea take him down. The fight went well for Bodiccea; a big spear and a huge amount of life leech kept her healthy. Heather almost died. After a few potions and some rest time, they agreed that Ancient Kaa was much nastier than Andarial and went on their merry way.

At the end of the last dead-end hallway, they still hadn't found the tomb's golden chest of joy, and there was only one door they hadn't opened -- way back by the tomb entrance. Behind the door was a short hall with a few mummies, and the door to the tomb's main treasure chamber. In case of Unravelers, they lured the mummies into the entrance room, and while killing them, Bodiccea hit level 27. As she let out a "woo hoo!" a spear fell out of nowhere and hit her on the head, followed by a big bunch of charms and a note.

"Hi there! You can get rid of the old spear, this one's a lot better. The charms are all inertia charms -- that'll speed you up. Let's see how fast a girl you can be!"

-- The Mule"

"Ow," Bodiccea said, rubbing her head. "Just couldn't wait, could he?"

"Nuh uh," Heather nodded. "That's a lot of charms."

"Wow, yeah, 10 of them. Hey, an 'Honor' War Fork! That's better than 'Strength' any day. Lessee... nice damage, +1 to skills, life leech, life regeneration... hey, does deadly strike stack with critical strike?"

"I think it does. We can look it up."

"Nah," Bodiccea grinned. "Why research when you can experiment? Let's go see what my new toys can do."

Not very long afterwards, Fara saw a cloud of dust streaking towards her from the direction of the docks. A rush of wind blasted up to her, and when she'd opened her eyes again, Bodiccea was standing there, panting and staring with wild eyes and a huge grin. Her hair was a disheveled mess, and there were bugs in her teeth.

"HiyahiyahiyahiyaHIYA!!!! WeweredowninthistombwithsomeprettyghostiesandIwaslike WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! causetheghostieswereprettycolorsandtheywent OOOOOOOOOO!!!!! andIwentstabbystabbystabbystabbystabbystabbyandtheywent OOOOOOOO-POP!!!!! andCathansmeshandthisrareBababahatcamePOPrightoutandIwent WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! andameanmummysaid 'Iwantmymummy'!!! anditwasFUNNY'causeitsamummy!!! Iwentuptoit stabbystabbystabbystabbystabbyfalldownBOOM! allthehappyskelliesallaroundforaparty WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! stabbystabbystabbystabbystabby WOWthisislikethetimeIate A WHOLE POUND OF CHOCOLATE COVERED ESPRESSO BEANS tostayawakefornightwatch!!!!! Ithink HeatherwastheretooIdon'trememberverymuchIwasbouncingoffthewallsbutthat'sOKIcome withmyownbumpers WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! IcangettheamuletwithmanaleechIhaveinmybox butIdon'twannarightnowIgosleepynowbyebye"

... and then she fell over with a thud. As the dust settled, Heather came up, carrying an armload of treasure. "Hello, Lady Fara. Here are some things from a golden chest. How is she?"

"Unconscious. Dare I ask the cause?"

"I think she's carrying too many charms. There's hardly any room in her pack."

"Ah, I understand," Fara nodded. "I have seen this sort of thing before. Let us get her to her room, she will need bed rest and quiet. We may also wish to clean her teeth."

"Ok," Heather said. "I'll help you carry her."

"No need," Fara said, and with surprising strength, hoisted Bodiccea up onto her shoulder in a fireman's carry. "Bring her spear." Then she smiled a little. "You realize, I am appointing to you the defense of her 'Honor'."

After she stopped staring, Heather grinned. "Which is probably more than she ever did."

Fara kept a diplomatic silence. "She mentioned an amulet among her things..."

"Oh yeah, and gloves. I'll get them. I guess we're not going to explore the Tomb of Tal Rasha tonight after all."

"Doubtless not. Let us go, and quickly." Fara shifted Bodiccea on her shoulder. "Though your mistress is lightly clad, she nonetheless could stand to lose a bit of weight."

Heather laughed. "Don't tell her that! She'd have a nervous breakdown."

Chapter 22

"... Anyway, you should have seen her," Heather laughed, paying no attention to the hot breakfast cooling down on the table in front of her. "She was bouncing around the room like a squirrel on crack."

"That sounds cool," Kasim chuckled. "OD'ing on charms..."

Paige: "Has she woken up yet?"

"No. Elzix said he knocked on her door twice, and she told him to go away."

Khaleel shrugged. "Ok, so we know she's not dead. I'm guessing it'll take her a while to get on her feet again."

"And you took care of Ancient Kaa already," Kasim nodded. "After him, the only challenge is Duriel, and he's a pansy for tank characters."

"I hope so," Heather nodded. "Ancient Kaa was dangerous, and according to Ms. B, he doesn't get much easier than the way we found him."

"Never met him myself," Khaleel said, "but it's a good thing when a named critter only has two minions. Still, you did pretty well. I was kind of worried."

"Thanks," Heather smiled. "Next time, I'll stay back with the skeletons."

Klatu nodded. "Good idea. We could more easily endure the demon's magic, were there not so many bugs enhancing its strength."

Kasim snorted. "You mean like the fire enchantment bug?"

Paige: "I heard that lightning enchanted was never supposed to work with multi-shot."

"Nope," Khaleel said. "But it did, and since MSLE was the only boss mod that inspired fear, Blizzard decided to keep it around."

"Yeah," Kasim said. "Man, why aren't any of the bugs in our favor?"

Paige: "Well, Amazons get the whole Buriza-Cleglaw's thing."

"Hey," Khaleel's face brightened. "Could a Rogue try that out?"

Paige: "Nope. Crossbow and gloves."

"Damn! I think Rogues should be allowed to use crossbows."

"They're awful slow," Heather frowned.

"The Buriza isn't. Hey, Act II guys can use spears OR polearms. Why couldn't Rogues use either bows or crossbows?"

Paige: "The Buriza is a pretty good reason all by itself."

"Nah. If the Buriza by itself was that bad, Blizzard would have nerfed it. They just needed to make it so guided arrow couldn't pierce. There's no reason a Rogue shouldn't be able to use a Buriza."

Paige: (thinks about it) "You know, it would be nice..."

"Sure," Khaleel continued, grinning. "A crossbow is about as different from a bow as a polearm is from a spear, right? If Desert Eagles can use a Reaper's Toll, then Rogues deserve to be able to use a Buriza."

As the two Rogues considered the inherent possibilities, Kasim leaned over and murmured to Khaleel, "Figured out that being all protective wouldn't work, huh?"

"Shaddup," Khaleel hissed. "Yeah, it's the 'sensitive supportive guy' bit. Don't blow this for me!"

Paige: "Yeah, I've heard awesome things about the Buriza. It would be cool to use one..."

"... but Blizzard won't let us," Heather finished the thought.

"Hey, I know that," Khaleel shrugged. "It's not like we can do anything about it, I'm just expressing my opinion, you know?"

Before anyone could respond, Atma leaned in to put a fresh pitcher in the middle of the table, and quietly said, "She's coming down the street."

Heather nodded to Atma as the others retreated to the kitchen. "Thanks."

"Consider it a house service."

As Bodiccea came in, Heather was hurriedly scooping cold, clotted oatmeal up into her mouth. "Hey, girl! I got rid of some of those charms, so I think I'll be ok."

"Glud," Heather garbled. "I mean, good. Are you ok? Didn't wake up with a headache or anything?"

"Nope! Caught up on my sleep, that's about it. Hey, why do you have a whole pitcher of beer? You shouldn't drink that much this early."

"Um... that's from last night."

"But it's still frothy."

"Oh." Heather stared at the pitcher, then had a thought. "Want some?"

"Uh..." Bodiccea blinked. "Sure, why not?" After wiping out an empty mug, she poured herself a pint. "We've got a long day ahead of us. I want to finish those damned tombs and get out of here. For a wild oceanfront trading port, Lut Gholein is damn boring. Maybe we'll have better luck in Act V."

"What's in Act V?"

"Barbarians. Big, brawny slabs of chunkilicious beefcake. With that many to choose from, there's gotta be ONE who knows what soap is. C'mon, Heather. Time's a-wasting."

Bodiccea's new amulet was a Maiden's Amulet of the Bat -- mana leech and +1 to skills. The "maiden" bit earned her a rueful smirk from Heather, which she ignored. The gloves weren't as nice. They were rares, with improved defenses (but lower than Sigon's gloves), a bonus to attack speed (also lower than Sigon's), a strength bonus (again, lower than Sigon's), but +1 to javelin and spear skills. After switching back and forth from one pair to the other several times, she finally decided to keep Sigon's. Skill bonuses are nice, but +1 just wasn't enough to justify what she'd be giving up.

The Canyon of the Magi was full again: Devourers and Spear Cats, again. Bodiccea wasn't interested in clearing it a second time, so she drove a straight line from the waypoint to the third tomb from the right, which was marked by a square. Even after ditching a few charms, she still moved fast enough that Heather got in exactly two shots the whole time. The only significant find was Cleglaw's Claw, a weird name for a shield.

The square tomb was a small one, full of Apparitions and Unravelers. After Fending her way through a crowd of skeletons and their Unraveler, and finding that her mana bulb didn't drop even though 4 out of 5 stabs hit skeletons, Bodiccea threw away her Snake's Grand Charm of Inertia. Mana was no longer an issue, and she needed the inventory room.

"Are you throwing away your other biggest charm too?" Heather asked.

With a smirk, Bodiccea looked down at her chest. "My biggest charms aren't exactly the kind I can throw away. But yeah, I'm keeping the other grand charm. It's got resistance to all, which I need since I don't have any on my armor."

"Will you be getting a different kind of armor?"

"I kind of hope so. 'Stealth' is really more for spell casters. 'Lionheart' would be great. 'Smoke' wouldn't be too bad. Heck, the Cow King's stuff would be good, except I refuse to wear the hat. Caps are so ugly."

"Um..." Heather slowly nodded. "I guess I kind of agree with you about caps. They are ugly. That circlet looks really nice on you, though."

"Hell, yeah! This circlet is sweet, I'm keeping it no matter what."

"Is it really that important? I mean, what if someone gave you... uh, what is it, the unique Shako cap thingy?"

"Harlequin Crest? Moot point, I KNOW our mules don't have it. I still wouldn't wear it. Not only is it a cap, it's a NEON GREEN cap. U. G. L. Y!"

"But it's supposed to be really nice."

Bodiccea sighed. "Heather... what's the worst thing that can happen if I go for style over efficiency?"

"You could die."

"And how bad is that? Remember, we're softcore."

"Um..." After thinking for a minute, Heather sheepishly said, "You'd have to pay to bring me back from the dead, and get your body back."

"That's right. Bringing you back caps out at 50,000 gold: chicken feed. The icy-cold hand of death is a temporary inconvenience at worst. Besides, the Harlequin Crest is for magic finding, and we're not doing that."

"Do you think we'll be doing much magic finding?"

"No. Cookie-cutter builds like Frozen Orb sorcies magic find. We're gonna struggle every inch of the way, and it'll be worth it when we b!tch-slap Baal that final time."

"Are you sure we'll make it that far?"

Bodiccea grinned. "Sure I'm sure. What's gonna stop us? Dying?"

Try as she might, Heather could not think of a good answer to that. Resigning herself to fate, she followed Bodiccea further into the tomb.

The next room was almost empty except for an Unraveler and his minion pack. His trick was the holy freeze aura -- Bodiccea's greatest nemesis. Swearing and grumbling, Bodiccea ran across the room in slow motion, hoping that even if she didn't reach them, that she at least looked like Pamela Anderson did on Baywatch, only taller and not quite as trashy. Heather plinked away behind her, so the Unraveler was more than half dead by the time Bodiccea got there and Jabbed him to death. The rest of the pack fell, either to Fend of Heather's arrows. Among the loot was a 30% magic find Nagelring. "Another one?" Bodiccea thought, then put it in her pack. Even if she didn't want it, someone might.

The tomb only had four rooms, the last of which was the treasure chamber. The golden chest of joy was guarded by a physical immune Apparition, her other greatest nemesis. She'd sold her fire spear when she got the "Honor" one. Fuming, Bodiccea stood there and let the ghost hit her while Heather killed it... then remembered she'd put a point in Charged Strike. At least this time she had a circlet on when she slapped herself in the forehead. There wasn't anything good in the chest either, so they moved on.

The tomb in the corner of the canyon was also small, and full of Apparitions, Unravelers, and Gorebellies. Also a lot of urns, so many that getting across rooms became difficult. A lot of low-level loot was scattered throughout the complex, and the golden chest was guarded by an Unraveler with the holy shock aura, but there was nothing noteworthy.

The next tomb in line was the true tomb, so they ran to the far left end of the canyon to work their way back to it. Two tombs went by in a blur of shooting, stabbing, and clouds of mummy dust. There were Ghoul Lords, Preserved Dead, Gorebellies, and always, always, Unravelers, and not one bit of treasure worth looking at. Heather reached level 27; besides that, the only thing worth mentioning was when they found an experience shrine right inside the entrance. Bodiccea hit it and ran. The next two rooms were completely and utterly empty -- there was an Unraveler in a hallway, but that's it. Then, just as they found the treasure room, where two boss packs were waiting, the shrine bonus expired. Figures...

The last, true tomb was a big one, with Gorebellies, Ghoul Lords, and Unravelers. Bodiccea experimented a bit with Decoy. It didn't set off traps, and the undead were only sometimes fooled by it, but Gorebellies went straight for it. Several times, Gorebellies ambushed Heather while she was running to catch up. There were only two special packs: a champion pack of Steel Scarabs (Bodiccea had enough leech, but Heather almost died) and an extra fast Gorebelly who had urgent business with the Decoy. Heather wouldn't stop giggling until Bodiccea threatened to stop giving her potions. The Gorebelly dropped a rare Druid pelt. Why anyone would go around with a dead animal on their head, Bodiccea did not know... especially one that makes you look like a giant chicken.

When the tomb was clear, they went back to get the Horadric Staff and took it to the socket chamber. "Man, this was annoying," Bodiccea said, pulling her gauntlet up to look at her watch. "Five mini-dungeons in one day."

"How are we going to beat Duriel?"

"The usual way: I get in his face where it's safe, and use my fastest attack. You stay back and shoot. Lather, rinse, repeat until dead. I'm just wondering if I should use Jab, or try a Decoy and Fend. I get an extra Fend attack if my Decoy is in range, and maybe he'll have gotten so lonely in that pit that he'll go for the Decoy."

"Maybe," Heather tried to keep from laughing. "Which is faster?"

"Jab, but it hurts less. Ah, heck. It takes a while for Duriel to die, I can try both."

And she did. After casting the Decoy near Duriel, Bodiccea slowly scampered up next to him. Nobody ever wants to be close to Duriel, he smells disgusting, but it beat having him slam his fat self into her over and over. The first Decoy didn't last long, and he ignored the second, but by then Bodiccea was Jabbing without a care. Even with an extra stab, Fend was just too slow. The bug died on schedule, dropped a few useless items, and they were free to explore Tal Rasha's chamber.

Tyrael was floating over the pit where he should be. "Greetings, mortal."

"Hiya, immortal! How's it hanging? About 6 inches off the floor, I see. Very impressive."

The angel gave his usual speech, imploring them to take their quest to Kurast, with all possible haste and urgency. Bodiccea and Heather listened patiently. "What do we have to hurry for?" Heather whispered. "We know what's going to happen."

"Don't tell him, it would break his little heart," Bodiccea answered. "Ok, Tyrael, will do. You run along now. See you in Hell!"

Back in Lut Gholein, they went down to the docks. Bodiccea hadn't bothered to meet Meshif, but the instant she saw him, she smiled. "Hmm... I like. Tall, broad shoulders. The pirate thing works too. Like Johnny Depp, but buff." With a grin, she sauntered down to the water's edge and struck a pose. "Hello, sailor."

Concluding thoughts:

Fend would be a great attack skill if it wasn't buggy. Being a bit paranoid, I suspect this is deliberate. I believe Blizzard wants the Amazon to be a ranged attacker, and they do have this habit of leaving bugs in skills they don't want people using.
Characters with a lot of extra movement speed look ridiculous walking around. They just slide over the ground with their legs quivering in the air.
The next time I play a bow-user, I will NOT forget how great 6 perfect gems in a bow is. In fact, I'll keep Heather's bow. Maybe make a character called 'Heather' and get her name on it. Six gems in a crystal sword would benefit a melee character too.
I wonder if Jab gets any synergies in 1.10? If it did, that would be awesome.

Act 3

Chapter 23

As they stepped off Meshif's ship onto the docks of Kurast, Heather said, "Traveling with you is kind of weird. Everyone else takes a lot longer to sail to Kurast."

"Yeah, well, we skipped the cut scene. I hate that one more than most. All it's got is Tyrael completely failing to deal with the big D, then trying to get Marius to go down to Hell for him. Oh, and Marius doing something almost as idiotic as when the Diablo I hero stabbed himself in the forehead with the soulstone. When you think about it, the Diablo plot depends on a lot of people doing a lot of really, really DUMB things."

"Isn't that the classic definition of an idiot plot?"

"Yep! And speaking of idiots... hi, Hratli!"

"Greetings," Hratli smiled thinly, his eyes narrowed appraisingly. "Welcome to Kurast, o unfamiliar traveler whom I have never seen before. Though the season has passed, it is good to see tourists on the dockside once more."

"Thanks, glad to be here. At least I won't be getting sand up my crack anymore."

Slowly, Hratli nodded. "I see the warnings we were given about you were accurate. Much has changed in the holy city these last few years. I hope you brought your ti... your wits with you; sanity is in short supply here."

"Sorry, can't help you with that," Bodiccea grinned.

Heather smirked. "You could stop bothering Meshif."

"Come on. I only got to harass him for four seconds, he's hardly even used yet. Do you think I should bother him more so he'll miss me?"

"I don't think that would help," Heather said.

"Sure it would!" Bodiccea sauntered up to Meshif, who was loitering back as close to his ship as he could. "Hi, handsome. I need a man really bad. Are you really bad?"

"Look," Meshif said, his voice even higher pitched than usual, "I brought you here to this jungle hell, and that's only because Jerhyn made me. Something about keeping you away from his palace."

"He was probably afraid I'd redecorate and pick colors that clashed."

"I don't know and I don't care. All I know is, I'm to bring you here, get a statuette that will complete my collection, and I'll be free to go. My heart belongs to the sea."

"And your cabin boy, Roger?"

"NO. Don't you have something to find?"

"Oh yeah, a jade statuette, to trade for a golden bird. Baby, I don't know what you want with an action figure when there's a golden chick right here in front of you..." Laughing, Bodiccea said, "You know why that statuette's in the jungle? The Spider Forest used to be a rice field, and it was used to beat somebody to death out there."

Heather blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah! The infamous 'knick-knack paddy whack' remains unsolved to this day."

After a very long pause, Hratli said, "I wish I had said that."

"You will, Hratli, you will. C'mon, Heather. Let's go meet everybody."

Ormus was in his accustomed place, staring at the statue with an empty dish, where the Gidbinn would eventually reside. "Hmm..." Bodiccea muttered. "Should we even bother?"

"Why not?" Heather asked.

"He's got a killer bod, but I can only take so much of the 'backwards run the sentences until reels the mind' stuff. Blizzard didn't make their wizards cantankerous old fuds in beards and robes, but they still managed to make them all annoying."

Heather laughed. "The only one that sounds like is Cain, and he's not a wizard."

"True. Oh, he's over there. You've gotta wonder how he got off the ship and stumbled over here so much faster than us."

Heather nodded. "That is kind of weird. He did that in Lut Gholein, too."

"Yeah. Well, whatever. Let's go talk to Asheara."

Inside her building, the largest on the docks, Asheara was waiting. There was no door for Bodiccea to kick open, so she had to settle for strutting in like she owned the place. Their eyes locked, and the two women slowly sized each other up, like gladiators on the field of honor. Asheara broke the silence first: "One question."

"Yeah?"

"Can I borrow that outfit sometime?"

Bodiccea wavered, blinking, then squealed, "Oh my gosh, you are SO my new best friend right now! Is it the boots? The top? Not the boots, you don't wear boots. Hey, you don't paint your toenails! What's the point of going barefoot if you don't paint your toenails?"

Asheara smiled a little. "I don't wear nail polish."

"Oh. Yeah, you're going for the 'Sheena' look. I am amazed, I always thought you had to be tall, tan, and blonde to pull it off like that. I love the snake. I hate snakes, but you make it work. Just don't come near me with it."

Stroking her python under the chin, Asheara slowly began to grin. "I couldn't borrow anything from you, you know. I'm only a size 3."

"Oh. Well, yeah," Bodiccea shrugged, still smiling. "I stopped being a size 3 when I was about 10. Who makes your halters? I could never get a bikini I didn't fall out of every time I breathed. Do they make thongs too? I think I could do a thong, I just need to lose a little weight. What I really want is something off the shoulder. Bare shoulders with my hair pulled up would look SO sexy, but I've never found anything that gives me enough support. You are so lucky with that."

"Uh huh," Asheara nodded, slight annoyance creeping into her expression.

"No, I mean it! There are so many gorgeous things I CANNOT wear, but you could put on ANYTHING and make it look good! You're like this tiny little perfect person!"

Looking increasingly dubious, Asheara said, "I don't think you need clothes to look good."

"Oh, well, yeah. Um..." Chewing her lip, Bodiccea shrugged a bit, her smile fading. "When I said you were, uh, tiny and little, I didn't mean that was bad or anything."

"Mm-hmm?"

"Yeah!" Bodiccea grinned. "Guys can see down your cleavage."

Asheara's eyes wandered down the Amazon's body. "Is that why your armor is hanging open down to your belly button?"

"More like it wouldn't lace up all the way," Bodiccea looked down; the leathers fit like they were made for her, which in a way they were. "It's hard for me to find things that fit."

Obviously not buying it, Asheara continued to appraise Bodiccea's navel. "Yeah. Gotta admit, you've got a hell of a pair of excuses. I've heard about you Amazons -- legendary warriors without peer."

"Well, yeah," Bodiccea's smile brightened.

"Good to hear it," Asheara smiled again. "You're gonna need to be to take on Zakarum and their midget minions. I've got my tailor's number around here someplace. You go get busy -- and come back anytime you want."

"Sure! This'll be so much fun! We can braid each other's hair, and I can show you how to use mascara, and maybe walk in heels --"

"Blondie?"

"Yeah?"

"Scram."

"Oh. Ok, bye!"

Bodiccea was practically bouncing as they walked towards Alkor's tiny hut. "Ohmigawd OH MY GAWD she is SO cool! Isn't she so cool? Try to tell me she is not so cool!"

"I dunno..." Heather looked worried. "She seemed kind of creepy to me."

"That's just the snake. C'mon, Heather, lighten up! I'm sure."

Heather shrugged. "I guess. Do you know how to walk in heels?"

"Hell, no. The last thing I need is to be taller. But she would look so good in heels, maybe a different hairstyle, some mascara and eyeliner, lipstick... do you think she's a burgundy, or more of a rose?"

"I don't think she'd wear makeup."

"Definitely not rose, she's kind of dark. She'd probably think it was just pink anyway. The hard part will be getting her into heels. Hmm..." Lost in thought, Bodiccea walked straight into Alkor's hut, took two steps across the floor, and smacked into the back wall. Bottles and jars jumped on the shelves as the whole hut shook.

Alkor looked up from a book, muttering, "What were those two great thumps there?"

"Sorry," Bodiccea said, holding her nose. "My bad. Hi!"

"Wooooo, girlie! You are even bigger in person and up close! And remind me of my dearly departed and unmissed wife even more. Scamper off to slaughter the minions of evil, and leave me in peace! I will sell you potions and salves if I must, but no more than that!"

"Aw. You don't want to help me put on the salve?"

"Not a chance! That is how I came to marry that witch in the first place!"

"Oooh! Which salve was it? Maybe I want some."

"I call it 'Relax, frosty b!tch'. This much is clear: you have no need for it."

Bodiccea laughed. "Got anything to make cute boys cater to my every whim?"

"Why do you ask such questions, silly girl? You do not need a salve for that! Now go away, or I will test new weight-loss potions on you while you sleep!"

After a short, confused moment's thought, Bodiccea said, "That's not much of a threat."

Alkor grinned a huge, almost toothless grin. "It is if it makes your boobies shrink..."

Bodiccea let out a sputtering laugh and backed away, eyes wide. "EEEEEK! You meanie! Ok, you win. I'll see you when I get the bird."

"No more suggestive comments, bouncy girl. You may re-awaken my repressed libido to plague the world once more, and no one wants that. Go!"

They wandered south to the lone bridge that connected the docks to land. Of course, Cain came wandering over. "I've not set foot in --"

"Kurast for many years," Bodiccea finished his sentence. "It's pretty different, huh?"

"The followers of Zakarum, if indeed this is their work, have changed remarkably. In my youth, they were as a beacon of light, but this nightmare --"

"Can only be the work of Hell, and you fear Mephisto may have gained influence over the heart of the church itself."

"Ah... yes. I suppose it is only natural that these things would have occurred to you as well."

"It's ok, Cain," Bodiccea said as she hugged him around the shoulder. "You are helping. Really. Anyhoo, that's it for the dockside. Heather, let's hit the swamp."

"But... what about the south docks? Don't you want to talk to Natalya?"

Bodiccea stared at Heather for a minute. "Why?"

"Um... you know, I can't think of a reason either. Are we going to talk to Ormus? He's the healer, so we'll need to sometime."

"Ugh. Yeah, you're right. In the land of exploding Flayers, you need to be on good terms with the healer. Let's get this over with."

They walked around the pyramid, somehow managing not to scuff the mystical symbols written on the ground in chalk. Ormus looked up, but not far; he was one of the few people they'd met who didn't have to look up at Bodiccea. "You now speak to Ormus."

"No, I don't. I haven't said anything yet."

"You just did. Ormus senses a dichotomy within you, one that is unlike other would-be heroes."

"Yeah! Should I smack you now or later?"

"No. All of them wonder that. You alone pursue what you do not desire, and turn away when you have what you sought."

Bodiccea thought about that one for a while, then asked Heather, "Ok, so I'm not a genius. Did he just insult me? I think he did."

"I don't think so. I think I remember reading that in a fortune cookie."

"You have questions for Ormus, he thinks. Better that you have questions for yourself, for in the answers you must seek true wisdom lies."

Sighing, Bodiccea squeezed her eyes shut. "Bodiccea is getting a headache, she thinks."

Heather nodded. "Too much thinking can do that."

"That's why I do it as little as possible. Awright, let's ask an expert." After walking off to a secluded spot on the south dock bridges, Bodiccea and Heather went back and out into the rest of the computer, looking for the others.

The first one they found was Varnae. He was sitting in an overstuffed chair in a Victorian drawing room, quietly reading and ignoring the candelabra floating in the air and the sound of skeletal fingers scraping underneath the floorboards.

Dear Diary,

I will never have a moment's peace until the day I die, and long thereafter, in all probability. While quietly perusing a fascinating collection of ghost stories in the most delightful milieu, that overly-blessed Amazon came to pester me with the most inane inquiry imaginable. It seems Ormus said something which confused her -- not that this is difficult or surprising, mind you, but she urgently desired a translation into plain language before deciding on a course of action. In short: should she respond violently immediately, or at a later time?

Ormus is one of those sorts who tries to give the impression of deep understanding by the simple expediency of obscurity, but interpreting his comment was not a difficult task. After hearing her mangled version of it, I replied, "Ormus has simply observed your habit of chasing things you do not want, and abandoning them once the thrill of pursuit is gone."

"Oh," she said, trying to accommodate this insight with what passes for her self-image. "So, I get to beat him up?"

"You will do nothing of the sort," I reminded her, "so long as he remains on the dockside, which he certainly will. Believe me, there is nothing insulting in the allegation at all, merely a recognition of a catch-and-release approach to romance. That alone is more than I would ever have expected from Ormus."

Disappointment writ itself large upon her features. Honestly, I have known female impersonators with more wit and subtlety. "Damn! Why can't we nudge NPC's out of town and smack 'em around? That would be such a cool feature."

"In this vale of tears, all must learn to face disappointment," I replied. "Now run along. I see Diablo, in his disguise, awaiting your pleasure just outside of town. You'd best go and fail to stop him."

After some rude comment best not repeated, she returned to her task, and failed exactly as all others fail, myself included. Fate can be cruel indeed, and humanity continues to strive against absurd inevitabilities through all the meager hours of our existence, which may well be the cruelest joke of all. Ah, no more for tonight; "American Idol" just started.

Chapter 24

Kurast is a neat place. There are lots of holy cities in computer games, but most of them are based on Vatican City, not Angkor Wat. But first, they had to get through the jungle. Softly humming "One Night in Bangkok" to herself, Bodiccea led Heather up the trickle of water that was probably supposed to be the Argentek. The Argentek is the biggest river on the map in the world of Sanctuary, but maybe Sanctuary is that small. You can explore the trackless wastes of Aranoch in a few days. Near the docks were two bodies, one on each river bank; they didn't have much loot, but their presence got Heather wondering.

"I mean," she mumbled, "why did Blizzard put them there? There's even one on each side of the river, to make sure you see one."

"Oh, you know," Bodiccea laughed. "It's the classic 'Found On Road Dead' trope, a staple of bad fantasy writing. Whenever the mighty heroine walks into a dangerous place, the first thing she sees is a corpse, warning her of the gruesome dangers which lurk in the shadows up ahead. If the Blizz programmers were really on their toes, the F.O.R.D. would have been alive enough to gasp out a vague yet horrific warning, then gurgle and die."

"Maybe they thought that would be too nasty."

"Hey, they did it in Diablo I for the Butcher quest. Besides, they don't mind nasty: there's dead bodies and tortured bodies and cooking bodies all over the place in Kurast."

"Cooking?"

"Yep. Boiled, then left to get moldy. Nasty."

There were two kinds of monsters in the Spider Forest: Jungle Hunters (green ape guys) and Fetishes. Despite the name, they weren't dressed up in little leather suits with zippers over the mouths and eyes, and none of them carried whips, riding crops, or paddles. They did carry plate mail, pikes, and poleaxes, which is almost as bizarre as getting treasure from a cloud of gnats. The little ankle-biters gave Bodiccea plenty of chances to test Fend's utility on Flayers. As expected, it pwned, and with all her increased speed gear, chasing down the blowpipe Fetishes was no problem at all.

It took a while to find the jade statuette. Until then, they had plenty of time to check out new items. Specifically, helmets.

"Wow, that is ugly," Heather shook her head as Bodiccea modeled a bone helm.

"GAWD, yes." Bodiccea threw the helm to Hratli, who put it back on the shelf. "No one but a Necro should be forced to wear one of those. They look so disgusting it's actually an improvement. There's one that's worse, though."

"Which?"

Without a word, Bodiccea put on a great helm. Heather actually laughed out loud. "Ok, that is worse. Maybe if you'd kept Sigon's armor --"

"Don't even think about, Heather. Sigon's helm is a great helm -- I'd be wearing it now if that stupid Mule had his way. I just can't go for the 'knight in shining armor' look, especially on me, and guys look way better when you can see their muscles."

"The men in this game don't wear anything skimpy."

"No, damn it! Except Babas, and they're all bald. Come to think of it, Babas can pull off great helms. The silly horn thingies look kind of good on them. Did you know the exceptional great helm is an Amazon helm? It's got +2 to Amazon skills."

"That's pretty good."

"Not good enough. What I really need is a tiara. This circlet's good, maybe I could get it upgraded..."

Heather smirked a little. "They'd call you Barbie even more."

"I wanna be Barbie! That b!tch has everything. Except it's all pink. I like red. And gold. Ok, pink isn't so bad, but as an accent, not the main color. And it's got to be a nice pink, like rose or coral or peach. Barbie-doll pink is so PINK."

"Are you still thinking about Asheara?"

"Oh, sure!" Bodiccea grinned, eyes bright. "It'd be fun to talk with her! Let's go."

Eyes wide, Heather sputtered, "But... I didn't..." But Bodiccea was already gone. She ran after her as quick as she could.

Bodiccea bounded into Asheara's house and said, "Hi! How's it going?"

"The same," Asheara said, looking up from her tally book. "You're back quick. Figured out that you need a new merc?"

"One of your mercs?" Bodiccea guffawed. "Nah, just dropped by to say hi."

"Hey!" Asheara snapped, glaring. "My Iron Wolves are as dangerous as anything you'll find in the jungle out there. Don't piss them off, or me."

"Um..." Bodiccea thought about it, then shrugged. "Ok, I'll take your word on it. Sorry."

Turning to face her, Asheara snarled, "Who do you think's been keeping what's left of the dockside safe all this time?"

"Ok! Jeebus, I said I was sorry." About this time, Heather came running up, panting. "Hi, Heather!" Bodiccea said. "We'd better get going. Talk to you later!"

"What... happened?" Heather gasped as they ran away. Well, Heather ran; Bodiccea was still walking.

"I think somebody's having a really bad period," Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "We'll come back later when she's in less of a mood."

A lone champion Fetish dropped the jade statuette not long after they got back into action. Bodiccea traded it with Meshif, said goodbye, and trotted the golden bird over to Alkor, who was very happy to see it. He always is, for no good reason; maybe he just likes the chance to put human remains in what other people drink. After she'd gagged the stuff down (hey, 20 life is worth it) Bodiccea went to Cain for the long lecture about Khalim's Will.

"... to destroy Mephisto! You must prevent their meeting at all costs; should The Three be reunited, they will be unbeatable, and our world doomed forever!"

Bodiccea was leaning on her spear, gently snoring, until Heather tapped her on the shoulder. "Huh? Oh, yeah. So, it's like this: collect all the saintly bits, lay the smackdown on the council to get a saintly flail, cube, and whack the compelling orb with the resulting unsaintly-looking artifact."

Frowning and plainly annoyed, Cain said, "So far as your part goes, yes. Though I cannot overemphasize the urgency of your mission, and its importance both for our world and the Heavens above. All of our hopes rest with you. Have you any questions or doubts?"

After thinking about it for a minute, Bodiccea nodded. "Yeah, I have a question. How do you know all this stuff about Khalim?"

"I have spent a lifetime studying Horadric lore, and --"

"No, no, no. You said Sankekur took over after Khalim got killed, so unless he's 400 years old, all this happened after the Horadrim were gone. How do you know Meph's possessing Sankekur? How do you know to use Khalim's body parts? How do you know which bits are still around, and where they are? And how do you know the cube can make this holy flail? You were supposed to be farting around in Khanduras when all this went down, and 'no word has come out of the east for years.' So, how is it that you know now?"

"Ah..." Cain's eyebrows furrowed, then rose, then fell again; his mouth hung open, but no sound came out.

"Wow," Bodiccea's eyes went wide. "He's not making a sound."

"Um..." Heather whispered in Bodiccea's ear, "I don't think he knows."

"You're probably right," Bodiccea whispered back. "Cain? It's ok, you don't have to tell us. We know you're the man."

"I don't understand," Cain mumbled. "I... must have heard about it in The Rising Sun one night, from one of the many travelers who stopped there."

"Sure. That's gotta be it. Anyhoo, we're heading back out. Don't strain your brain too much, ok?"

The Spider Forest twisted back and forth, and up to this point, they hadn't found either of the side areas at all. In fact, the first side entrance they found was to the Great Marsh. There was a Monster Shrine right next to the entrance, so Bodiccea lured a Drowned Corpse to the shrine; it turned Fanatic, and dropped a maul when it died. Bodiccea picked it up and took a few swings. She never could stay away from a mall.

Back in town... or rather, on the docks, Hratli asked them to find the Gidbinn, to help power the magic dome. Everybody wants something. Bodiccea nodded while she was looking at axes. Great axes looked ok on her, giant axes not so good. According to one source, in olden times Amazons used a one-handed double-bladed axe called a labyris, but yet another game bug made using one-handed swinging weapons kind of impractical. Pity, but Blizzard was pretty quick about fixing bugs that might make Amazons good melee fighters.

Finally, three turns after they left the docks, Bodiccea and Heather found a side entrance, and Bodiccea got to Jab her first Flayer Shaman to death. Sticky spiderwebs covered the whole area, including the entrance to the Spider Cavern. No waypoint, but at least she'd find the eye. Inside, they found Poison Spinners, Fiends (lightning bats) and finally, Szark the Burning, or whatever he was. Bodiccea got level 28 from a pack of champion Poison Spinners, but most of the dungeon was quite dull.

After tugging aside some weapon, Bodiccea opened the golden chest of joy and grabbed Khalim's eye. "Ok folks, that's a wrap."

"You used that joke with the mummies."

"It works with spiders too. Wow, Khalim had red eyes. Weird. How sure are we that this guy was a saint?"

"Everybody says he was. Do you know what that spot of colored light is?"

"Huh?" Bodiccea looked over at a patch of magenta light glowing over a pile of webbing. "I dunno, you see those randomly in both Spider dungeons. They don't match up with the monsters, or any items."

Frowning, Heather nodded. "You don't think there could be anything buried under all the webbing?"

"I don't think so. Let's look." It took a few minutes, but after some hacking, tearing, and slicing, Bodiccea and Heather were looking down into a vast, empty void. Neon green alphanumeric characters in dozens of different languages flowed past in infinite, orderly, constantly changing columns. "Hmmm. I don't think that's what we're looking for."

"Do you see Keanu Reeves?"

"I wish. I don't even see a Windforce. Let's close it up and go."

The Spider Forest continued to twist around and around; this was the most complicated map of the area they'd ever heard of. The entrance to the Arachnid Lair side area was teeming with Flayers, so many Bodiccea wondered if they'd really found the entrance to the Flayer Jungle. It wasn't; they went in, got the waypoint, and went on to explore the rest of the Spider Forest. The river ended in a dead end not far from the waypoint; they'd have to go through the Great Marsh anyway.

"Ok..." Bodiccea contemplated the Arachnid Lair entrance. "Since the waypoint is right here, how about we take care of that in the morning?"

"Sure," Heather said. "I was wondering if I could get a new bow, too."

"You not doing enough damage?"

"Well, I'm doing ok. But even normal Flayers are taking me two shots to kill."

Bodiccea laughed! "Oh, poor baby! Let's go look at the uniques collection."

Outside, Bodiccea and Heather wandered into what looked like a reliquary. Besides a bronze cathedral bell which dominated the western half of the room, there were several pedestals of red brick, each with an artifact on it. Tearlach, Mizor, Kasim, and Khaleel were sitting at a table, playing some dice game. Thaddeus was in a corner, reading a book, while Amanita was reading a tabloid newspaper.

"Hi guys," Bodiccea said. "Where's bows?"

"Over there," Thaddeus mumbled, not even looking up.

"Thanks. Hmmm... you're what level, Heather?"

"27th."

"Ooh, not good. Riphook takes level 31. Kuko Shakaku is level 33. And the normal unique bows suck."

"How about set bows?" Heather asked.

"All we have is Vidala's and the Arctic bow," Amanita said.

"Bleah," Bodiccea made a face. "Sorry, babe, you're not big enough yet. Probably not 'til we're through with the Flayer Jungle."

"Darn," Heather said. "Is there anything else?"

"Hmmm. I think bowazons like the Face of Horror for the monster flee. I need them to stay where they are, though."

"Huh. It looks like a plain mask."

"Yeah. With a name like that, you'd think it would be an evil clown or a smily face or something."

"Yeah," Heather nodded, looking at the game. Kasim had the biggest pile of cash in front of him, which annoyed Tearlach more than the other two. "Hey, where's Paige?"

Mizor: "Awowroooraolds."

Heather blinked. "Did anyone understand that?"

Khaleel shook his head. "Sorry. So, what do you think of Flayers?"

"Hey," Bodiccea said, looking around, "where's Xany?"

The room went quiet. Everyone looked at Bodiccea, then looked away, most laughing a bit or visibly fighting smiles. "All right," Bodiccea said. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Thaddeus said, getting up. "Excuse me, I left the iron on in the other room."

"I gotta put my winnings away," Kasim said, also making a fast fade.

Khaleel leaned over and whispered to Heather, "Hey, we've been waiting for you on the south docks, by Natalya."

"You were?"

"Yeah. We figure nobody ever goes there, so..."

"Ok, guys," Bodiccea said a little louder, glaring around the room. "What's going on?"

"Around here?" Amanita said, breaking into a grin. "Not a thing. Why?"

"Then what's so funny? What did Xany do?"

"Uh... I don't know exactly what she's done. I hope it's fun."

Frowning, Bodiccea said, "What are you talking about?"

"Well..." Amanita's grin widened. "After you outed Jerhyn, little Xany was so sad."

"Yeah? It's not like I was happy about it."

"She was sitting around moping, so I said, 'Look, maybe he is, maybe he's not. Why don't you go ask him about it yourself?' So she went to the palace. That was back when you were in the Canyon of the Magi. She still hasn't come back yet."

Bodiccea frowned in confusion. "What's she doing in there?"

Amanita wasn't restraining her laughter very well. "Boddy... she's in the palace. You know from Meshif that Jerhyn wanted you to stay out. Two. Two. Put them together, see what you get."

For long seconds, Bodiccea stood there. The sound of gears grinding was faintly audible in the quiet room. Then, her eyes went wide. "No..."

"That's what we're guessing," Amanita grinned wide.

"NO..."

"Hey, we might be wrong. They might be playing cribbage in there. Want to walk in on them and find out?"

"NO! Come on, Heather, let's go... Heather?!"

"She left with the other mercs."

Face crimson, Bodiccea glared around the almost-empty room, then stamped her foot and growled, "Aw, fuck you!" at Amanita.

"Not in a million years, Barbie. Maybe you should go home and sleep it off."

"I... I... shut up! Fine. If Heather ever comes back, tell her I'm sleeping. ALONE!"

Chapter 25

"... and so she was, like, just sitting there laughing at me! I could not buh-LEEVE how incredibly rude!! It is SO obvious she's jealous. I mean, look at her! If it wasn't for those two warts on her chest, she'd have no figure at all. So anyway, she was just sitting there giggling about how that little witch stole him from me, and I just did not know what to say 'cause I'm a much nicer person than would say what I wanted to say, you know? I am so sure they were in on it together. You know?"

For a moment -- the first in many minutes -- Asheara's house was quiet... except for the faint snoring from the lady herself. Trembling with anger and spite, Bodiccea glared at her, then kicked the table where Asheara had her feet up. She woke, and muttered, "Sorry, you must have thought I cared."

"But they were LAUGHING at me!!!" Bodiccea squealed, tears streaming down her face.

"Hey, I'd have laughed. So you lost a guy. Who cares? There's alternatives."

"Oh, yeah, I know, but he was rich and cute and had his own palace and Xany liked him! I HAD to get him!"

"So kick her ass. Or write it off."

"Oh, I would! But she's, like, three times higher level than me. Besides, I don't even care about him. They were, all of them, sitting around the room LAUGHING AT ME!!! And I know that little slut was laughing at me, wherever she was and whatever she was doing."

"Uh..." Asheara frowned in confusion. "Ok, whatever. It's like this: I don't care about your stupid man problems. You've got a problem with this b!tch, you're not tired of men yet, kick her ass and take him back."

"Asheara!" Bodiccea pouted and stamped her foot. "Don't you get it? THEY WERE ALL LAUGHING AT ME!!"

"Bodiccea!" Asheara sniveled, mocking Bodiccea's whine, "I DO NOT CARE!! Besides, no man's worth fighting over."

"Hey, yeah!" Bodiccea instantly smiled. "She got one, that leaves all the rest for me! So what if he's lord of a desert dump full of hookers! There's got to be tons of hunks out there waiting for me. In fact, I know where there's a whole city of them!"

"Yeah, right," Asheara smirked. "And after you find out they're all idiots, think about the alternatives. There's more to the world than men, you know."

"Oh, sure! But they're the fun part." Eyes dancing, all tears gone, Bodiccea smirked, "Men are all animals, it's just that some make better pets!"

"Whatever, Blondie. Weird. From what I heard, I thought you Amazons had men pretty much under control."

"Sure we do! Anyhoo, I've got spiders to spy and Flayers to flee. Thanks so much for talking with me, Ashy-babe. I mean it."

After a moment's silence, Asheara quietly said. "Never call me that again."

"Aw, c'mon!" Bodiccea bounced, still grinning. "Don't be such a grouch. Sheesh! Be back later. Ba-bye!"

As they walked away, Bodiccea said to Heather, "I like her, she is so cool."

"I dunno..." Heather said, glancing away.

"Heather!" Bodiccea looked shocked, then rolled her eyes. "Come on. She oozes cool. She's got dozens of men obey her every command. And she knows how to dress! What's not to like?"

"Well, she did kind of say she doesn't care if something's bothering you..."

Bodiccea laughed! "Heather, she's got an image to maintain! Besides, she's right: if I've got a problem with the others, I shouldn't be bitching about it to her."

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna show them I DO NOT CARE what they think of me. Back to the jungle! First," Bodiccea started ticking off her fingers, "clear the Arachnid Lair. We can go straight from the waypoint. Second, run from the town gate to the Great Marsh, it's quicker from there. Go through the marsh, hit the golden chest and the waypoint. If we can, get the Flayer Jungle waypoint. Then... then I'll go tell Amy and Xany what I think of them."

"Sleep would probably be a better idea."

"Yeah, yeah, sure. But I want to make sure those two scheming b!tches know I don't care what they think of me."

Heather sighed. "And you're going to go out of your way to tell them this?"

"Well, duh. How else am I going to tell them?"

The Arachnid Lair was full of Poison Spinners, a boss pack of Flame Spiders... and Lampreys, damn poison-spitting maggots. Bodiccea forgot they could be found in the spider dungeons. She stayed green for almost the entire dungeon, and twice had to reassure Heather it was not jealousy, just a game bug that kept the poison from fading. The same colored patches of light hovered over random patches of webs, and the golden chest of joy didn't cough up anything worth getting excited over. After visiting Ormus for detox, Bodiccea and Heather went to the entrance of the Spider Forest and ran for the Great Marsh.

The shrine at the Great Marsh entrance was now an experience shrine, and just inside was a combat shrine and a refilling shrine. "Wow," Bodiccea thought. "There really is a god in every golden cloister around here." This time, the experience shrine got a full workout; there were plenty of Drowned Carcasses, Bramble Hulks, and Swamp Dwellers to kill, and a boss pack of Fetish Shamans. The shrine bonus expired just as the last of them died. After running back to get the combat shrine, they went on.

The Great Marsh went by quickly and easily. Zombies and Tree guys are so slow, most of them were dead before they even got close enough to swing. Big crowds just made Fend work better, though she still occasionally got a case of the whiffs. The side areas with big swarms of Flayers and River Stalkers were easy too; Bodiccea had to smile. Swarms are NOT a problem for this melee specialist. Heck, big crowds make it easier. The golden chest of joy dropped two wands, one with 10% life leech, the other with 7% dual leech. Why, Blizzard, WHY? Why do you find leech on wands and orbs so often? Why Obsidian Rags of the Whale, but no Obsidian Ornate Plate of the Whale? Sheesh... it's just not fair.

The next side area had the waypoint, and no chest. It was early yet, so Bodiccea and Heather went on. To their surprise, there was a third side area, with a second golden chest of joy and a boss swamp frog named Gut Eye the Quick. Like all bosses with "the Quick" in their name, he was not extra fast, just fire enchanted. He went splatooie most impressively, and dropped a Jewel of Ennui, which added lightning damage. What's with jewel suffixes, anyway? Bodiccea could sort of understand the Jewel of Envy turning monsters green, but what does boredom have to do with lightning? The golden chest gave them a Maiden Spear of Craftsmanship, one of the stupidest mods ever in a game with superior weapons.

After several more twists and turns, the Great Marsh forked. Bodiccea and Heather went to the right, into a dead end. The other way led to the Flayer Jungle. Their greeting was a Winged Nightmare pack, then Flayers, Flayers, and more Flayers, with the occasional Slime Prince thrown in for relief. Bodiccea wondered if kissing one would do anything, until it spit a fireball at her. She'd have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince around here, and like Ashy-babe said, it just wasn't worth it.

Bodiccea hit level 29 as they were fighting their way into a side area. Almost there! This area had the Flayer Dungeon and the Gidbinn. While Heather killed the blowpipe Flayers, Bodiccea wondered if she should get the Gidbinn now, or wait until they'd cleared the area. Eh, why wait? Bring 'em on, she was better with groups than one-on-one anyway. To her disappointment, the Gidbinn was in the hands of a single Possessed Rat Man. The pathetic little ankle-biter barely even reached them before Heather killed it.

Bodiccea chuckled. "You don't need a new bow."

"Um..." Heather shrugged, and smiled a little. "I guess not. It used to feel kind of good getting things in one shot."

"You're taking down Bramble Hulks in 2 or 3; that's good enough. Should we go into the Flayer Dungeon now?"

"You said you wanted to find the waypoint."

"I know, but the dungeon's right here, and the waypoint might be a long ways off..."

"Hmm." Heather considered this. "Isn't there something that tells you where everything is so you don't have to hunt for it?"

"No maphack, Heather. Besides, it probably only works on battle.net. Let's stick to the plan and find the waypoint. We can always go in by the Great Marsh if it's too far."

"Ok. The act III jungles are really complicated. I think I like act II better."

"Yeah, big open areas are good. The jungle twists and turns every which way; getting the waypoints can take forever. On the other hand, mud is good for your complexion, and we haven't seen any of those giant mosquitoes. Let's get going."

Ormus took the Gidbinn solemnly, and put it in its place. Asheara was fairly impressed by how easily Bodiccea claimed to be dealing with the Flayers, and again offered the services of one of her mercs.

"Nah," Bodiccea grinned, happy to see Asheara's approval. "I like having Heather around too much. We're a real team."

"Oh," Asheara nodded, smiling faintly. "Good."

After a long silence, Bodiccea nodded. "Uh... yeah." Still smiling, she asked, "Hey, are you wearing eyeliner?"

Asheara blinked. "No."

"Oh. For a minute, I thought you were. Have you thought about wearing eyeliner?"

"No."

"Well, you should! A little bit more definition would make your eyes really stand out. And maybe just a tiny dab of foundation to cover that scar a little --"

"No," Asheara shook her head, still smiling but looking a little irritated. "I like my scars."

"Oh. Well, ok!" Bodiccea shrugged, and smiled. "I wouldn't want one on my face, but you make it work!"

"Thanks," Asheara's smile broadened. "You haven't noticed the hair, I take it."

"Huh?" Bodiccea looked up. "Oh! You've got red steaks! Is that a henna rinse?"

"Yeah. Thought you might like it."

"I do! I do! I'm sorry I didn't say anything... I guess I kept looking at the scar. You really should try some concealer, you could look so pretty."

"I'm never going to be pretty. You could use a few scars. It'd give you some character."

"That's funny, Heather said I was quite a character. Well, I've got to get a useless ring from Ormus. See you later!"

On their way there, Bodiccea jumped up and down and squealed, "OhmiGOSH oh wow I cannot believe it! I think I'm getting through to her!"

"I guess," Heather said. "She's still kind of weird. She looks at you a lot."

"Yeah! That must be why I'm getting through to her! This is gonna be so great. I'll send off to Mary Kay for a gift basket, and we can have a party! She's at LEAST got to have her nails done, that is just the bare minimum I will accept."

"Greetings," Ormus said as Bodiccea almost bumped into him. "This magic ring does me no good. Wear it proudly!"

"Uh..." Bodiccea looked over the ring. "Yeah. I'll take cash instead."

"Very well. Ormus has also composed a poem in your honor."

"Oh, goody. Let's hear it"

Quietly, and with great dignity, Ormus took a deep breath and began the recitation:

Sheeee's... the... breastica-boobical, chestica-mammical, pendular globular one,

For moundula-nippulal, fleshula-orbulal, absolu-glandular fun!

And for gluteal-maxular, tushical crackular, cheekular morning-'til-night?

She's buttulo-asstical, fanny-fantastical, mashulo-fleshular right!

She's an areological, autoerotical, tubular boobular joy!

Some exposular regional, tushobutt creasual fun for every boy!

For a litisimal dorsical, hung like a horsical, calliphyligical ball,

She's the barea-moonular, fruit of the loomular,

Funular bunular, frenchical tongular,

Tushobutt cheekular, orgasimo-squeakular,

Most smorgastico-boobular one of them all!

Heather, who had the most appalled expression on her face, said, "Oh. My. God."

For her part, Bodiccea was staring open-mouthed at Ormus. Then she broke into a broad grin, squealed "I LOVED THAT!!" and jumped over to give him a big hug.

Heather shook her head and quietly muttered, "Oh, why am I not surprised?"

Once they got back to the Flayer Jungle, Bodiccea and Heather quickly found a second side area only a short distance from the first. It was almost empty, except for the Swampy Pit and the waypoint. The arrangement was as convenient as they could hope for, and it was very late by now, so after hitting the waypoint, they went home for the night.

"Weren't you going to tell the others off tonight?"

"Nah, I'm in too good of a mood. That poem rocked."

"It was... something."

"Oh, hush. You're just upset 'cause nobody ever writes you poems."

Heather laughed a bit. "I guess I'm not pendular boobular fun."

"Nope! You should try it sometime, it's fun. Nighty-night!"

(Song blatantly stolen from "Tubular Boobular Joy" by those lovable guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000.)

Chapter 26

The next morning, Bodiccea was ready to go while Heather was still sleepy, so she went to find Amanita and Xanthippe by herself. It's not like they're joined at the hip or something. Amanita was easy to locate, out in active memory reading a web page, but Bodiccea couldn't find Xanthippe, in act II or elsewhere. A diligent search finally turned her up in one of the other games, trying on a deep red gown in a luxurious bedroom suite. Her hair was loose and her feet were bare as she turned this way and that in front of a full-length mirror.

"Green's more your color," Bodiccea snipped.

Xanthippe jumped with a gratifying shriek, then whirled around, eyes blazing. "What the fuck's the matter with you?! Don't you know how to knock?"

"Sorry if I might have caught you with somebody," Bodiccea lied, with a big cheesy grin all over her face. "Come on! Let's go talk with your little co-conspirator."

"What?! Jerhyn isn't here anymore. And don't you go near him!"

Bodiccea looked pointedly at the rumpled bed. "I kind of figured that out for myself. I'm talking about Amy. You know, Ms. Mental?"

"Huh?"

"I know what you two are up to!" she said, grabbing Xanthippe by the bodice. "Come on! I've got something to tell the both of you."

Her eyes narrowing to obsidian slits, Xanthippe closed her fingers around Bodiccea's wrist and squeezed until the larger woman's grip loosened. Soon, Bodiccea had her face mashed into the wall and her arm twisted painfully high up behind her back. "I made matriarch for a reason," Xanthippe snarled. "Now, what the hell are you babbling about?"

"Ow. Ow. Leggo. Ow!"

"Oh, forget it," Xanthippe said as she released Bodiccea. "So, you've got an idea rattling around in that big empty space you call a head?"

"Yes!" Bodiccea said, pouting and rubbing her arm.

"You think Amanita and I are conspiring against you?"

"I know you did!" Bodiccea yipped. "You made me look stupid in front of everybody! They were all laughing at me!"

For a long moment, Xanthippe just stared. "What makes you think it takes two people working together to make you look stupid?"

Glaring, Bodiccea said, "Look, just come on so we can find Amy! I don't wanna have to tell you off, then go tell her off!"

"What, are you afraid you'll forget what you were going to say?"

"No! I'm busy, unlike some people, and I don't like repeating myself anyway!"

Xanthippe sighed. "Fine, whatever. Let's find her and get this over with. Anything so you talk less is a good thing."

Out by the web browser window, Amanita looked up as Xanthippe and Bodiccea came tromping over. "Hi, long time no see. Cute dress. Didn't have it in green?"

"There was a green one," Xanthippe said, "but I didn't like it. The skirt was too short."

Amanita raised an eyebrow. "Shorter than that butt-wrap you started out with?"

As Bodiccea burst out laughing, Xanthippe glared. "Look. I know they stuck us in those tiny outfits, but that doesn't mean I had to like it."

"Mmm," Amanita shrugged. "Anyway, I should be one to talk. I got pants the first chance I could too. Whatchoo two up to?"

"Oh! Yeah," Bodiccea stopped laughing and did her best to look serious. "I just want you two to know, in spite of all the whispering behind my back, and trying to embarrass me, that I do not care what you or anyone else thinks of me!"

For several long seconds, they both stared at Bodiccea. After loudly clearing her throat, Amanita at long last said, "Yeah, and?"

"Why did I let this bimbo drag me all the way out here?" Xanthippe muttered.

"That's all," Bodiccea said, standing tall and proud. "You can't hurt me, 'cause I don't care what you think. You can try to make me look stupid in front of everybody, it doesn't matter 'cause I know you're only doing it because you're just jealous."

Now it was Xanthippe's turn to burst out laughing. Amanita managed some restraint, but she still barely suppressed a grin. "Ok, this is new. What are we jealous of?"

Smiling triumphantly, Bodiccea started counting on her fingers. "I am better looking than you, I am more stylish than you, I am..." She bit her lip, thinking, "I am..."

Amanita slowly nodded. "You're closer to naked than us?"

"Yeah! Obviously, I have a lot more to show off than you, and you're jealous!"

Xanthippe tried to respond, but broke out in more giggles instead. "Um... ok." Amanita started laughing. "Lemme ask a coupla questions..."

"Shoot," Bodiccea smiled confidently.

"How much does your back hurt after a day of running around?"

The smile curdled a little. Bodiccea shrugged a little and bravely said, "Some."

"Can you sleep on your stomach?"

"Uh... not really, no."

"How about finding clothes that fit right off the rack?"

Bodiccea's face slowly fell. "Um... no. Not a chance."

Chuckling, Amanita went back to looking at the web page. "I'm not jealous."

"Well, you had some reason for wanting me to look stupid!"

"Yeah!" Xanthippe giggled, leaning over Amanita's shoulder. "And we conspired together to do it to her!"

"Who'd need a conspiracy to do that?"

"Don't you start!" Bodiccea snapped. "All I know is, you sent her off after Jerhyn, she was gone, and everybody started laughing at me!"

"Oh," Amanita tried to suppress a guffaw. "Ok, that was kind of mean."

"What was everybody laughing about?" Xanthippe asked.

"Her throwing a big hissy fit about you being off with Jerhyn."

"Cool!" Xanthippe snorted. "I wish I'd seen it."

"HEY!" Bodiccea shouted. "That's one more reason I'm better than you! If I got a guy away from one of you, I wouldn't go around gloating about it!"

The others looked at Bodiccea, and said, almost in unison, "Yes, you would."

Bodiccea drew herself up in righteous indignation, then shrugged. "Ok, yeah I would. But I still got a better Ormus poem than either of you."

"That's your opinion," Amanita said.

"And you can have it," Xanthippe said. "Do you even know what those words meant?"

"Sure! There was boobular, bumful, asstastic... uh... whatever, it was great."

"How about 'calliphyligical'?"

"Uh... ok, what's that mean?"

Xanthippe smirked. "It's from callipygian, meaning 'possessing large, shapely buttocks'."

"Wait a minute." Bodiccea frowned. "Was he saying I have a big butt?"

"Why wouldn't he?" Amanita said, not looking away from the web page. "You do have a big butt."

"I'll kick his ass later. What is that you keep looking at, anyway?"

"It's a fan fiction web site," Amanita said, "with critiques. They've got some interesting stuff to say."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Apparently, you can tell bad fan fiction because there's only three types of woman: the slut, the b!tch, and the man with t!ts. Most bad fanfic writers are male. They write women either the way they want them to be, the way they think they are, or they just write manly stuff and have a woman doing it."

"Huh," Bodiccea nodded, and looked at Xanthippe. "Well, I'm the biggest b!tch here, so I guess that makes you the slut."

"Oh, hell no," Xanthippe crossed her arms. "Nobody dressed like that deserves to call anybody else a slut."

"Can't argue with that," Bodiccea grinned. "Maybe I'm the b!tch and the slut."

"I'm more of a b!tch than you ever were. The only way you're bigger is height."

"That's not the only way!" Bodiccea bounced. "Ok, I'll let you be the b!tch. Sluts have more fun anyway."

"Uh, say..." Amanita frowned, "what makes you two so sure I'm the guy with t!ts?"

Xanthippe and Bodiccea looked at her quietly, then looked over at each other. "Don't tell her," Xanthippe said. "She might snap."

Bodiccea, meanwhile, had noticed something. "Wait... are you wearing lipstick?"

Xanthippe glanced down, though she couldn't actually look at her own lips. Quite uncharacteristically for her, she seemed a little embarrassed. "Um... just a little."

"No way just a little, you've got way too much on. And bright red is SO not your color. What are you doing wearing red lipstick?"

"I... just thought I'd try it. Like from that song. You know, 'raven hair, ruby lips, sparks fly from her fingertips...'"

"Oh, no no no..." Bodiccea rolled her eyes. "Didn't anyone ever teach you how to put on makeup? You went to a women's school, right?"

Xanthippe frowned. "The Zann Esu teach combat magic, not... girl stuff."

"Never mind, never mind," Bodiccea said, hurriedly pulling out a makeup case. "Everyone needs to learn about this sometime. Now listen: if you want to keep men in line, mascara and a good foundation will do more for you than a million fireballs. My first piece of advice is: NEVER take makeup advice from a man. Hair, fashions, room decoration, but NEVER makeup. Your face is too important to leave to amateurs. And don't listen to bad songs written by men who don't know any better either. Ruby red was the 'Hi, I'm a slut!' color of the late 70's; I do NOT think that's what you want."

"Um... no..."

"Didn't think so. What your coloring needs is a dark purple, maybe a bronze. I don't have anything that's not for my skin tones, but I'll do what I can. Bronze eyeliner, just a little mascara, no powder, and I think this lip color will work. Let me check. Yeah, that's good on you. Hold still! If you keep squirming it'll go everywhere. And hold this mirror up so you can see what I'm doing. I won't be here to do this all the time! And while I'm thinking about it, we need to do something with your hair."

By now, Xanthippe was looking slightly overwhelmed. "What's wrong with my hair?"

"You've got great hair! But you can't let it hang loose like that. You've got a triangular face and not much cheekbones, so loose straight hair will not flatter you. That thing you do with your little hair net is ok, but there are other possibilities. Amy, could you give me some braids at her temples? I want two on the left side and one on the right, asymmetrical looks are in right now."

Amanita, who was regarding all this with a mixture of amusement and disbelief, said, "What makes you think I know how to braid hair?"

"Oh, I do not believe this," Bodiccea snorted. "Do I have to do everything? Both of you pay attention. This is IMPORTANT. Now, the best way..."

After almost 20 minutes of struggling and lecturing, Bodiccea leaned back with a satisfied (and smudged) smile. "There! Now do you see what a little effort can do?"

Xanthippe just sat there, blinking into the mirror. "Um... wow."

"Yeah," Amanita slowly nodded. "Damn. You look like a girl all of a sudden."

"That is the idea, you know," Bodiccea smirked. "I still cannot believe no one ever taught you two about this. Makeup is SO IMPORTANT."

"You said that already," Amanita replied. "So, why is it important to you?"

After giving Amanita a look of great disappointment, Bodiccea said, "Ladies, we have one truly awesome hold over men: their appetites. Men are like floor tiles: lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them forever. Hair, clothes, makeup, all that 'girly stuff'? They're our weapons and armor. Spears and bows are ok for demons, but the real battle is in the bedroom."

Xanthippe looked up with a frown. Slowly nodding, Amanita said, "You're a 'The Rules' girl, ain'tcha?"

"'The Rules' is a great book," Bodiccea nodded. "There's a lot of wisdom in there, from women who've dealt with men their whole lives. You're not going to find experience like that with a bunch of Sorceresses who ran off and hid in the jungle."

They all went quiet, and the conversation died and fell with an almost audible thud. After packing up her makeup case, Bodiccea said, "Great. Now, remember what I told you, ok?"

"I will," Xanthippe nodded.

"Good. I better get going again. Talk to you later."

Once she was gone, Xanthippe slowly stood up and adjusted her dress. "Why do I want to get back into armor all of a sudden?"

"Because Jerhyn doesn't like you for your hairstyle or makeup or fashion sense? I feel like I need to take a bath."

"Yeah!" Xanthippe laughed. "Kind of. Do you think Jerhyn would like me like this?"

"Uh... probably." Amanita shrugged. "You look good. Just don't go over to the dark side, huh? One 'total woman' around here is all I can take." Then she laughed, and said in a high-pitched squeak, "No! Stay good, Xany! Stay good!"

"Stay bad, you mean!" Xanthippe giggled. "I was never good."

"Oh, I dunno..." Amanita gazed heavenward innocently. "You didn't show your face around here for three days. My guess is you were doing something good."

"Um..." Xanthippe grinned sheepishly, her face darkening. "Well... maybe."

"Cool, I guess. I never liked Jerhyn. He came off like kind of a weasel to me."

"Jerhyn was trapped in a terrible dilemma!" Xanthippe said, her voice suddenly rising almost to a shout. "What was he supposed to do with --"

"Ok, ok! Don't bite my head off."

Chapter 27

Down on the south docks, Heather had met the rest of the mercs. The prevailing mood was not good; unlike Atma's, there was no place to sit and no refreshments, unless you really like green bananas. Eventually, even Klatu's patience wore thin. "What did you say she was going back there to do?"

"She wanted to tell off the Sorceress and the Assassin," Heather said flatly, "'cause she thinks they made her look dumb."

Khaleel gazed downwards, trying to suppress a grin. "I'm not touching that one."

"She's has been gone a long time," Heather sighed. "I hope nothing's wrong."

"Doubt it," Kasim shrugged, gazing absent-mindedly at Natalya. "It's not like anything could happen around here."

Paige: (smirks) "But the scenery's good, huh?"

"Huh?" Kasim glanced over at Paige, then back at Natalya. "Eh... it's all right," he finally said with a sheepish grin.

Laughing, Khaleel leaned over and loudly whispered "smooth" in Kasim's ear. "By the way Heather, has Miss Bouncy been treating you any better?"

"Sometimes, yeah. She's trying to make new friends, which is good for her."

Paige: (grins) "No wonder it's taking so long."

"Now, now, be nice," Khaleel held up his hand, giving Paige a little wink. "She's trying, that's a good thing."

"Sheesh, lay it on thick, why don't ya?" Kasim whispered to Klatu, who nodded, looking ill. "Who's she been trying to make friends with?" Khaleel went on.

"Just Miss Asheara. I wish she wouldn't, she makes me nervous."

That seemed to surprise Khaleel a bit. "Huh. Well, ok. I'd never have thought she swung that way is all."

Paige: (and Heather together) "Huh?"

Kasim and Khaleel didn't say anything, but Khaleel suddenly found himself in the center of a circle which was giving him its full and complete attention. "Uh... look, there's not much to say. It's just... you know, all the rumors."

"What rumors?" Heather asked.

"Um," Khaleel grinned nervously. "Well... a lot of us guys who work for Asheara think she's a... you know... that she doesn't like men all that much."

Paige: "Why do you think that?'

"Yeah," Kasim said. "If it's that she won't sleep with any of you, there's probably another reason for that."

Standing up straighter, Khaleel glared at Kasim. "Like what?"

"Hey, I didn't mean anything! It's just... uh... like, you know..."

"Like what?! We're all wusses or something?"

Paige: "Guys! I think Kasim was saying that Asheara, as a business woman, knows it's not a good idea to have relations with her employees. She could be sued."

"What she said," Kasim quickly and not very believably lied. "I didn't mean anything. Damn, you act III guys are touchy."

Fuming a little, Khaleel said, "Look, just because nobody hardly ever hires us doesn't mean the Iron Wolves aren't the best damn mercs around! It ain't my fault we gotta use swords, and there's no good caster swords in the whole damn game! I'd like to see how any of you guys'd do without a useful weapon!"

"What about Hexfire?" Heather asked.

"Hexfire. A grand spankin' +3 to fire skills. Whoop-de-doo! I use ice!"

"Then chill, ok?" Kasim raised his voice. "Sheesh."

After glancing at Heather, who looked a little scared, Khaleel shut his mouth, counted to 10, and said, "Sorry. I guess I overreacted."

Paige: "It's ok." (smiles) "Maybe if we could use the Buriza, they should let you guys use those little Sorceress orbs."

"That'd be sweet," Khaleel nodded. "Wish I knew why they stuck us with swords."

"I think they did it to match your graphics," Heather said with a shrug. "It does seem kind of pointless on a sorcerer."

Klatu smiled slightly. "Swords have a point. Sorcerers..."

"Sorcerers don't need one," Kasim laughed. "Just talk to Ormus."

Paige: (grins) "Or Drognan."

"Hey, hey, hey! I said I was sorry. This ain't 'bash the sorcerer day'. Besides, Ormus is a Taan."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Kasim waved his hand. "You were trying to tell us something about Asheara before?"

"Oh, yeah. Um... nobody's seen her do anything with anybody. But it's like Ormus says: she's proud and ashamed of being a woman at the same time. She always wears that bikini, but hates it when a guy looks at her. And she goes to gay bars all the time."

Paige: "Is that what 'The Slippery Fist' is?"

Kasim guffawed. "What else?"

"I think she goes to hang out with guys who won't make a play for her," Khaleel continued. "I know she's taken so damn many potions of manliness she has to shave every morning."

Heather gasped. "Oh my gosh, how freaky."

Paige: "I always thought the potions were for one of you guys."

Once he'd regained his composure, Khaleel shook his head and said, "What, did you think that was for some kind of weekly stud service? No way. She takes 'em. They're the reason her voice is that deep. And as long as I've known her, she's shown no interest in guys what-so-ever. The last one who tried anything got his 'orbs' frozen."

Heather nodded, wide-eyed, and almost whispered, "Do you think she... uh... ?"

"I don't know what, if anything, she's done. If she has, she's been pretty... what's the word... pretty discreet about it."

"N-no," Heather stammered, her cheeks blushing red. "Do you think she might be..."

They all waited for more to come, but Heather seemed unable to articulate what was on her mind. After some thinking, Khaleel asked, "Interested in your boss?"

Heather's face flushed to the roots of her hair, and she nodded. Everyone else laughed, and Khaleel shook his head. "I don't think so. I think she's got more taste than that."

Paige: (laughs) "You know, they say opposites attract."

"Opposite, nothing," Khaleel said. "I'm surprised she didn't b!tch-slap her all the way down here for trying to put makeup on her. Asheara hates that stuff."

Heather went very, very quiet, pondering the significance of this. The others didn't seem to notice her silence; Kasim said, "Kind of figured. That's all she ever talks about. Makeup and hair and clothes and sh!t."

Klatu was leaning on his sword, pondering with great concentration. "If Asheara is like a man now, after all the potions... she would want a woman. She could not do anything about her desires, but she would still want a woman, and not care what she talks about."

Paige: (stares at Klatu) "Huh?"

"I think he's saying Asheara might want her, and not care what she blabs on about."

Paige: "Ah. Well, you guys'd know."

Kasim rubbed his chin. "Weird. I always pegged Kashya for 'least likely to be straight'."

Paige: (frowns) "Excuse me?"

"Oh, man, not again. Look, I didn't mean anything..."

Paige: "No, no. I'm just wondering why guys like thinking about that so much. Girls who like girls, I mean."

"Oh," Kasim said, and nervously tried to think. "Uh..."

"That's, um..." Khaleel chewed his lip. "It's not like that. Try it this way: suppose you didn't know Kashya all that well. If you were to, you know, idly speculate about the various NPC's, which one would you figure isn't quite straight?"

Paige: "It shouldn't be important."

"Nobody ever said it was. But, if you were to speculate... ?"

Paige: "Um..." (thinks a bit) "Well... ok, even for a military commander, Kashya presents herself in a way some people might think of as masculine. But the way people act doesn't mean anything as far as sexual preferences go."

"Bullsh!t," Kasim silently mouthed.

Klatu, who had gone back to pondering, suddenly said, "Meshif."

"Huh?" Khaleel stared at Klatu. "What about Meshif? You figure he's not straight?"

Klatu nodded. "He has a womanly voice."

"And Asheara has a mannish voice. What makes him less straight than her?"

"Hmm... it is more offensive for a man. Better for women to seem manly than for a man to be womanly."

Paige: (rolls eyes) "Oh, please..."

Still blushing, Heather nervously said, "Guys? Can we talk about something else?"

"Oh, sorry, Heather," Khaleel smiled. "Didn't mean to bother you."

"It's all right... I just... um..."

"It's ok," Khaleel hugged her around the shoulders. "We'll talk about something else."

Heather smiled, and looked around. A long silence descended. "So..." Kasim said.

"I dunno," Khaleel said. "Hmm."

Paige: "Hey, Heather: your boss is over there. I think she's looking for you."

"Oop! Gotta run. Bye!"

"There you are!" Bodiccea said. "I've been looking around all over for you. Let's get back out there, I need to get a brain."

Heather drew up short, and stared at Bodiccea in dumfounded awe. "Miss B, sometimes the things you say make me believe there must be a God."

"Oh, good. Anyway, my mission was a success. I let those two b!tches know just what I think of their little games, and gave Xany a makeover she won't forget." Smiling, Bodiccea gazed heavenwards and sighed. "You know, I thought I'd hate act III, but so many good things have happened. The monsters are easy, and my example is finally getting through to people. Except for Amy; there's no hope for her. Ormus wrote that cool poem for me -- I need to memorize that -- and Asheara, the coolest woman on earth, likes me!"

"Um..." Heather murmured, "There's something that maybe you should know..."

"Huh? What about?"

"It's about Asheara... I think she's... um..."

"What?"

"I... I think maybe you should stop talking to her."

Bodiccea stopped, staring at Heather. "Why?"

"I..." Heather started stammering again, "She might be... I mean... I don't think she's got really good motivations!"

"Oh, Heather!" Bodiccea tsked, flipping her hair back. "I just came back from telling those two off for being jealous of me. Don't you start! Asheara is super-sexy, super-cool, has totally amazing style, and you shouldn't be bad-mouthing her behind her back."

"But..."

"I am not listening, Heather."

Looking a bit desperate, Heather asked, "Have you noticed she kind of has a mustache?"

Bodiccea shrugged. "It happens with some brunettes. That's what bleach is for."

Sighing, Heather looked away. "All right. If you think so."

"I do. Now come on."

From the waypoint, they headed into the Swampy Pit. It was muddy and sticky and gross down there, but well-lit, like all the dungeons. Demons and ghosts are remarkably diligent about lighting in their dank and fetid lairs. The first monsters they met were a pack of Preserved Dead. Of course, jungle humidity should destroy mummified tissue no matter how much sodium benzoate you add to retard spoilage, so there was no good reason for mummies to be there. Bodiccea's pointed arguments to this effect proved unassailable, and eventually the mummies lay down and started moldering away in good order.

Gloams, lightning bats, and Flayer Skeletons filled the rest of levels 1 and 2 -- no Flayers at all, curiously enough, until they hit level 3. There were three shrines, all made from giant skulls. Bodiccea poked around underneath, and found Flayer bones under each one. Her joke about "little big heads" went over like a lead balloon; Heather must still be upset. The deepest level was one of the labyrinth layouts, a genuine pain for anybody with a merc. Only Sorceresses don't mind mazes, they have the 'summon merc' skill. Heather got lost repeatedly; even when she tried leaving the game and coming back, she kept getting the wrong corridor, so Bodiccea cleared most of the monsters by herself.

Back outside, Bodiccea and Heather ran to the Flayer Dungeon -- or tried. It's hard to run through that many Flayers. To keep things interesting, sometimes Bodiccea stopped and let Heather do all the killing. It kept her experience levels up, and might improve her mood. The Flayer Dungeon was right where they'd left it, next to the still-burning Gidbinn totem and a portal shrine, easily the most useless shrine of them all.

Unlike the Swampy Pit, the Flayer Dungeon had lots of Flayers in it. In the first room away from the entrance, Bodiccea got swarmed by a couple dozen of them, with Skeleton Flayers thrown in just to make it fun. The first time the Fend bug hit her wasn't too bad -- she'd whiffed before, but there's always the second try. When the second Fend whiffed, and the third, she began to feel a bit concerned. Luckily, Heather decided to show up at that point, and saved Bodiccea's bacon.

The lowest level was a different maze, but still hard to get a merc through. Large sections were empty, apart from poison gas traps and a couple of magic flying scimitars. Those were an act II monster Bodiccea didn't mind seeing again -- they're pretty. In the last corner of the dungeon was Witch Doctor Endugu, one of the coolest bosses in the game for his name alone. In his presence, a case of the whiffs could be fatal. Fortunately, that didn't happen. They waited long enough before going in that most of his minions had scattered; they found him almost alone, and killed him with almost no risk.

"All right," Bodiccea said as she opened the chest. "More saint bits."

Heather nodded, saying nothing. Bodiccea looked up at her with a frown. "Ok, Heather: out with it. Or stop sulking. One or the other."

"I'm not sulking," Heather said glumly. "And nothing's wrong."

"You've hardly said a thing all day. Something's pissed you off."

"No," Heather shook her head. "I guess I don't have anything to say."

"That's never stopped you before. Come on. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Heather, I can't stand the silent treatment. We're a team. Do not do this to me."

Heather closed her eyes and started rubbing her temples. "I just can't think of anything to say. I'm sorry, but I don't feel like talking right now."

"Got a headache?"

"Yes."

"Ok. It's getting kind of late, let's just go home. We'll hit Kurast tomorrow."

Chapter 28

Bodiccea

Contents

Act 1

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Act 2

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Act 3

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

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