Bodiccea (Chapter 27)

Template:Bodiccea nav Down on the south docks, Heather had met the rest of the mercs. The prevailing mood was not good; unlike Atma's, there was no place to sit and no refreshments, unless you really like green bananas. Eventually, even Klatu's patience wore thin. "What did you say she was going back there to do?"

"She wanted to tell off the Sorceress and the Assassin," Heather said flatly, "'cause she thinks they made her look dumb."

Khaleel gazed downwards, trying to suppress a grin. "I'm not touching that one."

"She's has been gone a long time," Heather sighed. "I hope nothing's wrong."

"Doubt it," Kasim shrugged, gazing absent-mindedly at Natalya. "It's not like anything could happen around here."

Paige: (smirks) "But the scenery's good, huh?"

"Huh?" Kasim glanced over at Paige, then back at Natalya. "Eh... it's all right," he finally said with a sheepish grin.

Laughing, Khaleel leaned over and loudly whispered "smooth" in Kasim's ear. "By the way Heather, has Miss Bouncy been treating you any better?"

"Sometimes, yeah. She's trying to make new friends, which is good for her."

Paige: (grins) "No wonder it's taking so long."

"Now, now, be nice," Khaleel held up his hand, giving Paige a little wink. "She's trying, that's a good thing."

"Sheesh, lay it on thick, why don't ya?" Kasim whispered to Klatu, who nodded, looking ill. "Who's she been trying to make friends with?" Khaleel went on.

"Just Miss Asheara. I wish she wouldn't, she makes me nervous."

That seemed to surprise Khaleel a bit. "Huh. Well, ok. I'd never have thought she swung that way is all."

Paige: (and Heather together) "Huh?"

Kasim and Khaleel didn't say anything, but Khaleel suddenly found himself in the center of a circle which was giving him its full and complete attention. "Uh... look, there's not much to say. It's just... you know, all the rumors."

"What rumors?" Heather asked.

"Um," Khaleel grinned nervously. "Well... a lot of us guys who work for Asheara think she's a... you know... that she doesn't like men all that much."

Paige: "Why do you think that?'

"Yeah," Kasim said. "If it's that she won't sleep with any of you, there's probably another reason for that."

Standing up straighter, Khaleel glared at Kasim. "Like what?"

"Hey, I didn't mean anything! It's just... uh... like, you know..."

"Like what?! We're all wusses or something?"

Paige: "Guys! I think Kasim was saying that Asheara, as a business woman, knows it's not a good idea to have relations with her employees. She could be sued."

"What she said," Kasim quickly and not very believably lied. "I didn't mean anything. Damn, you act III guys are touchy."

Fuming a little, Khaleel said, "Look, just because nobody hardly ever hires us doesn't mean the Iron Wolves aren't the best damn mercs around! It ain't my fault we gotta use swords, and there's no good caster swords in the whole damn game! I'd like to see how any of you guys'd do without a useful weapon!"

"What about Hexfire?" Heather asked.

"Hexfire. A grand spankin' +3 to fire skills. Whoop-de-doo! I use ice!"

"Then chill, ok?" Kasim raised his voice. "Sheesh."

After glancing at Heather, who looked a little scared, Khaleel shut his mouth, counted to 10, and said, "Sorry. I guess I overreacted."

Paige: "It's ok." (smiles) "Maybe if we could use the Buriza, they should let you guys use those little Sorceress orbs."

"That'd be sweet," Khaleel nodded. "Wish I knew why they stuck us with swords."

"I think they did it to match your graphics," Heather said with a shrug. "It does seem kind of pointless on a sorcerer."

Klatu smiled slightly. "Swords have a point. Sorcerers..."

"Sorcerers don't need one," Kasim laughed. "Just talk to Ormus."

Paige: (grins) "Or Drognan."

"Hey, hey, hey! I said I was sorry. This ain't 'bash the sorcerer day'. Besides, Ormus is a Taan."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Kasim waved his hand. "You were trying to tell us something about Asheara before?"

"Oh, yeah. Um... nobody's seen her do anything with anybody. But it's like Ormus says: she's proud and ashamed of being a woman at the same time. She always wears that bikini, but hates it when a guy looks at her. And she goes to gay bars all the time."

Paige: "Is that what 'The Slippery Fist' is?"

Kasim guffawed. "What else?"

"I think she goes to hang out with guys who won't make a play for her," Khaleel continued. "I know she's taken so damn many potions of manliness she has to shave every morning."

Heather gasped. "Oh my gosh, how freaky."

Paige: "I always thought the potions were for one of you guys."

Once he'd regained his composure, Khaleel shook his head and said, "What, did you think that was for some kind of weekly stud service? No way. She takes 'em. They're the reason her voice is that deep. And as long as I've known her, she's shown no interest in guys what-so-ever. The last one who tried anything got his 'orbs' frozen."

Heather nodded, wide-eyed, and almost whispered, "Do you think she... uh... ?"

"I don't know what, if anything, she's done. If she has, she's been pretty... what's the word... pretty discreet about it."

"N-no," Heather stammered, her cheeks blushing red. "Do you think she might be..."

They all waited for more to come, but Heather seemed unable to articulate what was on her mind. After some thinking, Khaleel asked, "Interested in your boss?"

Heather's face flushed to the roots of her hair, and she nodded. Everyone else laughed, and Khaleel shook his head. "I don't think so. I think she's got more taste than that."

Paige: (laughs) "You know, they say opposites attract."

"Opposite, nothing," Khaleel said. "I'm surprised she didn't b!tch-slap her all the way down here for trying to put makeup on her. Asheara hates that stuff."

Heather went very, very quiet, pondering the significance of this. The others didn't seem to notice her silence; Kasim said, "Kind of figured. That's all she ever talks about. Makeup and hair and clothes and sh!t."

Klatu was leaning on his sword, pondering with great concentration. "If Asheara is like a man now, after all the potions... she would want a woman. She could not do anything about her desires, but she would still want a woman, and not care what she talks about."

Paige: (stares at Klatu) "Huh?"

"I think he's saying Asheara might want her, and not care what she blabs on about."

Paige: "Ah. Well, you guys'd know."

Kasim rubbed his chin. "Weird. I always pegged Kashya for 'least likely to be straight'."

Paige: (frowns) "Excuse me?"

"Oh, man, not again. Look, I didn't mean anything..."

Paige: "No, no. I'm just wondering why guys like thinking about that so much. Girls who like girls, I mean."

"Oh," Kasim said, and nervously tried to think. "Uh..."

"That's, um..." Khaleel chewed his lip. "It's not like that. Try it this way: suppose you didn't know Kashya all that well. If you were to, you know, idly speculate about the various NPC's, which one would you figure isn't quite straight?"

Paige: "It shouldn't be important."

"Nobody ever said it was. But, if you were to speculate... ?"

Paige: "Um..." (thinks a bit) "Well... ok, even for a military commander, Kashya presents herself in a way some people might think of as masculine. But the way people act doesn't mean anything as far as sexual preferences go."

"Bullsh!t," Kasim silently mouthed.

Klatu, who had gone back to pondering, suddenly said, "Meshif."

"Huh?" Khaleel stared at Klatu. "What about Meshif? You figure he's not straight?"

Klatu nodded. "He has a womanly voice."

"And Asheara has a mannish voice. What makes him less straight than her?"

"Hmm... it is more offensive for a man. Better for women to seem manly than for a man to be womanly."

Paige: (rolls eyes) "Oh, please..."

Still blushing, Heather nervously said, "Guys? Can we talk about something else?"

"Oh, sorry, Heather," Khaleel smiled. "Didn't mean to bother you."

"It's all right... I just... um..."

"It's ok," Khaleel hugged her around the shoulders. "We'll talk about something else."

Heather smiled, and looked around. A long silence descended. "So..." Kasim said.

"I dunno," Khaleel said. "Hmm."

Paige: "Hey, Heather: your boss is over there. I think she's looking for you."

"Oop! Gotta run. Bye!"

"There you are!" Bodiccea said. "I've been looking around all over for you. Let's get back out there, I need to get a brain."

Heather drew up short, and stared at Bodiccea in dumfounded awe. "Miss B, sometimes the things you say make me believe there must be a God."

"Oh, good. Anyway, my mission was a success. I let those two b!tches know just what I think of their little games, and gave Xany a makeover she won't forget." Smiling, Bodiccea gazed heavenwards and sighed. "You know, I thought I'd hate act III, but so many good things have happened. The monsters are easy, and my example is finally getting through to people. Except for Amy; there's no hope for her. Ormus wrote that cool poem for me -- I need to memorize that -- and Asheara, the coolest woman on earth, likes me!"

"Um..." Heather murmured, "There's something that maybe you should know..."

"Huh? What about?"

"It's about Asheara... I think she's... um..."

"What?"

"I... I think maybe you should stop talking to her."

Bodiccea stopped, staring at Heather. "Why?"

"I..." Heather started stammering again, "She might be... I mean... I don't think she's got really good motivations!"

"Oh, Heather!" Bodiccea tsked, flipping her hair back. "I just came back from telling those two off for being jealous of me. Don't you start! Asheara is super-sexy, super-cool, has totally amazing style, and you shouldn't be bad-mouthing her behind her back."

"But..."

"I am not listening, Heather."

Looking a bit desperate, Heather asked, "Have you noticed she kind of has a mustache?"

Bodiccea shrugged. "It happens with some brunettes. That's what bleach is for."

Sighing, Heather looked away. "All right. If you think so."

"I do. Now come on."

From the waypoint, they headed into the Swampy Pit. It was muddy and sticky and gross down there, but well-lit, like all the dungeons. Demons and ghosts are remarkably diligent about lighting in their dank and fetid lairs. The first monsters they met were a pack of Preserved Dead. Of course, jungle humidity should destroy mummified tissue no matter how much sodium benzoate you add to retard spoilage, so there was no good reason for mummies to be there. Bodiccea's pointed arguments to this effect proved unassailable, and eventually the mummies lay down and started moldering away in good order.

Gloams, lightning bats, and Flayer Skeletons filled the rest of levels 1 and 2 -- no Flayers at all, curiously enough, until they hit level 3. There were three shrines, all made from giant skulls. Bodiccea poked around underneath, and found Flayer bones under each one. Her joke about "little big heads" went over like a lead balloon; Heather must still be upset. The deepest level was one of the labyrinth layouts, a genuine pain for anybody with a merc. Only Sorceresses don't mind mazes, they have the 'summon merc' skill. Heather got lost repeatedly; even when she tried leaving the game and coming back, she kept getting the wrong corridor, so Bodiccea cleared most of the monsters by herself.

Back outside, Bodiccea and Heather ran to the Flayer Dungeon -- or tried. It's hard to run through that many Flayers. To keep things interesting, sometimes Bodiccea stopped and let Heather do all the killing. It kept her experience levels up, and might improve her mood. The Flayer Dungeon was right where they'd left it, next to the still-burning Gidbinn totem and a portal shrine, easily the most useless shrine of them all.

Unlike the Swampy Pit, the Flayer Dungeon had lots of Flayers in it. In the first room away from the entrance, Bodiccea got swarmed by a couple dozen of them, with Skeleton Flayers thrown in just to make it fun. The first time the Fend bug hit her wasn't too bad -- she'd whiffed before, but there's always the second try. When the second Fend whiffed, and the third, she began to feel a bit concerned. Luckily, Heather decided to show up at that point, and saved Bodiccea's bacon.

The lowest level was a different maze, but still hard to get a merc through. Large sections were empty, apart from poison gas traps and a couple of magic flying scimitars. Those were an act II monster Bodiccea didn't mind seeing again -- they're pretty. In the last corner of the dungeon was Witch Doctor Endugu, one of the coolest bosses in the game for his name alone. In his presence, a case of the whiffs could be fatal. Fortunately, that didn't happen. They waited long enough before going in that most of his minions had scattered; they found him almost alone, and killed him with almost no risk.

"All right," Bodiccea said as she opened the chest. "More saint bits."

Heather nodded, saying nothing. Bodiccea looked up at her with a frown. "Ok, Heather: out with it. Or stop sulking. One or the other."

"I'm not sulking," Heather said glumly. "And nothing's wrong."

"You've hardly said a thing all day. Something's pissed you off."

"No," Heather shook her head. "I guess I don't have anything to say."

"That's never stopped you before. Come on. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Heather, I can't stand the silent treatment. We're a team. Do not do this to me."

Heather closed her eyes and started rubbing her temples. "I just can't think of anything to say. I'm sorry, but I don't feel like talking right now."

"Got a headache?"

"Yes."

"Ok. It's getting kind of late, let's just go home. We'll hit Kurast tomorrow."